Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was whatever.


Anybody who knows me knows I have a big boy crush on Brad Pitt and Fight Club remains one of my favorite books (not to mention one of my favorite movies), so I was stoked to see this new film from director David Fincher (he directed Fight Club, too). But I didn't go in with massive expectations, though. I wasn't a fan of Zodiac, either, which Fincher directed, so I was careful upon approach.

That said, I still didn't think it was as entertaining as I'd hoped. It came off like a cross between Forrest Gump and Big Fish with a little whimsical dysfunction like you'd see in a Robin Williams film (remember Jack?), and like when I left the theater after watching Zodiac, I was underwhelmed by much of Benjamin Button. (Special note: The screenwriter behind Gump also wrote Benjamin Button, but the similarities go beyond stylistic similarities.)

Button is def moving in many scenes as it tells the story of a boy literally born an old man and follows him through his "extraordinary" life of growing younger as the years flow by. Needless to say, I'd rather the film was about Pitt as Ben Button, a time-traveling pit-fighter on the verge of retirement who finds himself dragged into one final tournament (you'd hear him say, "This is my last one and then I'm out" several times) where he must fight 5 adversaries from across time. The only catch is, these 5 adversaries are each a decade apart in age, and Button must take them on as a ripped, shirtless, greased-up 32-year-old man. Here are my picks for his opponents:

1. THE 10-YEAR-OLD: Dick Clark

He may be a dead-behind-the-eyes robot now and only useful for counting down a ball drop once a year, but this music-loving immortal could prolly wreck shop as a pre-teen. I imagine him moving as swiftly as Yoda in those Star Wars prequels.

2. THE 20-YEAR-OLD: Abe "The Great Emancipator" Lincoln

Yeah. The 16th President. This would be that fight in the film where you'd be all like, "aww, man, I kinda like both these dudes," but you know what? Someone's going down and it's not my boy, Ben.

3. THE 30-YEAR-OLD: Hitler

Yeah, the living embodiment of evil and the bad guy in the new Tom Cruise film. Pitt would pop in while the dude was crapping and catch him with his pants down and then Hitler would ask him in German if this "is some kind of trick?" And then Pitt would roundhouse kick him in the face and knock Hitler's head clean off and through a window where it would then roll out on the cobblestone street for the kids in town to play with like a soccer ball and then Pitt would whisper "Nein" and then teleport out.

(Note: "Nein" means "No" in German.)

4. THE 40-YEAR-OLD: Bea Arthur

The Golden Girl with the most reach, Bea turns 87 in May of 2009, so to nab her when she's 40 would mean Pitt would hafta drop a house on her around, oh, 1962. That was JUST before she became a regular on the Sid Ceasar Show and none of you have seen that stuff, so don't get all high and mighty just cause Brad Pitt killed a woman before her prime. Dicks.

5. THE 50-YEAR-OLD: Himself!

Oh! Didn't see that coming, right? Pfft. This is one of those mirror matches where you'll think younger Pitt has the advantage, but you're not taking into account the fact that older Pitt has more EXPERIENCE. This is a fight that will last about 45 minutes until at the very end of the film, seconds before the credits roll, younger Pitt looks older Pitt in the eye and goes, "Hey, old man. Momma sure loved us," and then older Pitt will shed a single tear and then step back and grab younger Pitt's hand in his own and then hold it up for the whole world to see: they BOTH win!

Cause they're the same person.

The end.


Ben Morse said...


Fun fact: Abe Lincoln was a bad ass wrestler. No lie.

Adam said...

I smell Oscar...

Mike Fitz said...

Awesome. Thanks for saving me some cash. With the entertainment this blog gives me, I'll never have a good reason to leave the house.

coffee said...

Cate Blanchett with a southern accent FTW; but Benjamin Button kept dragging on, always pausing dramatically on Brad Pitt's face, a lot like Meet Joe Black, FTL