Ben & Jordan Watch Game of Thrones: Valar Morghulis

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watch HBO’s Game of Thrones and have decided to write a column about it. While Jordan ran out and read all the books on which the show is based after season one, Ben prefers books with pictures and floppy covers.

Bear witness to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Melrose Place as they try to do the tradition of Sean T. Collins and Megan Morse proud!

Ben: To give you a quick peek behind the curtains of how this column works, Jordan and I will alternate weeks as the guy who “starts” and sends his initial thoughts on the latest episode, then the other one responds, then I edit everything together. I drew this finale, but upon finishing it, I actually texted Jordan and said it might be better if he did it because I was so let down and figured the whole deal would just become a “this season sucked” rant on my part.

Ultimately, I sat on it a day, my initial annoyance died down, and I notified my buddy I could lead off after all, as there were some things I liked.

However, I’m still very disappointed in this finale, and more over in this season, so before we really get underway, allow me a mini-rant…

I fell in love with the first season of Game of Thrones because, despite being a show with a huge cast, tons of plotlines and a wide variety of locations, it seemed to pull off the near impossible and juggle them all. I cared about almost every character and story; some more than others (I never enjoyed Jon Snow’s adventures on The Wall), but there were none I really tuned out during. I felt affected whenever anything major happened to any character. When people died, it was a big deal, despite the fact that there was a legitimate feeling anybody could go at any time. It was a show with great acting, spot-on direction and smart writing that pulled it all together in an epic way.

This season, I stopped caring. By the finale, there were probably three or four characters I would have been really gutted if they died (off the top of my head, Tyrion, Bronn, Arya and Jaime; maybe Dany); for the most part, I would have just gone “Thank goodness, one less person taking up screen time” even for characters I really like or liked. I enjoy Theon immensely, but if he got his head lopped off here, I wouldn’t have shed many tears because his story feels like its run its course and he only gets five minutes on camera every other week anyway. I out Jaime on my “no kill” list up there, but truth be told, he was so absent this season anyway, I probably wouldn’t much notice he was gone.

I feel like the show is collapsing under its own weight. I’ll try to keep this brief (already failed that one) because I’ve said a lot of this in weeks past, but we’re just not given enough time with any of these characters or plots to care about them. I feel like people who have read the books have a distinct edge now, because they have some attachment from having enjoyed this stuff once already at their own pace, but the rest of us are hung out to dry. My erstwhile commentary partner put it well a few weeks ago when pointing out how slight the death of Renly Baratheon came off due to how little he has been used. When Ned Stark died last season obviously it was huge, but I was similarly affected by the demises of King Robert or Khal Drogo since we’d gotten a good measure of who they were and come to care about them independently as well as through those around them. I haven’t gotten the chance to know Stannis or the Tyrells or Talisa or Dagmer or Hot Pie or any of the dozens of other players whose names I’m currently copying from Wikipedia well enough to care about them. And when plots like Dany’s interminable stay in Qarth or Jon Snow’s never-ending trek beyond The Wall advance at a snail’s pace due to how little time can be spent on them while still cramming in everything else, I lose all interest.

Game of Thrones still has a great and talented cast, impressive technical direction, and in its better moments strong writing, but the more complex the books become, the more I feel like they’re struggling to get it all on screen without losing anything. I don’t hate the show and I’m definitely going to keep watching next year, but I’m bored by it and the long wait for season three isn’t something I’m particularly sweating versus how I counted the days following that stellar first run.

Jordan: Well said. The moment I read "allow me a mini-rant" I cracked my knuckles, got my wiffle bat out, and prepared for an all out blog war (unquestionably the nerdiest type of war), but I have to concede that I agree with everything that you just wrote. The part that hit especially close to home was your point that this season was experienced differently if the viewer had read the books. On my end, this manifested itself in both in good and bad ways...

The "good” was as you described: I was able to identify and grow with these characters more than viewers of the television show because I spent more time with them. Characters that were seemingly pooped out onscreen for a scene or two, like Renly, Stannis, and Brienne were MAJOR players in the books. Had you read the books, by this point in the story you either loved or hated each of the characters outlined above...but at least you KNEW enough to feel SOMETHING.

I enjoy using CAPS LOCK.

The "bad," as the poor, unfortunate readers of my words have already heard a million times, was the frequent deviation from the original story. While some of this could be explained away in the name of having to fit all of the content in, much of it didn't serve ANY purpose other than to help the HBO writers sleep at night with the knowledge they wrote something original. For those of you who disagree, I can't wait to talk to your future selves and say, "Remember sweet, Bill Cosby-esque Tywin? The show's obsession with that unnamed red-haired whore woman? Arya playing a game of cat and mouse with Tywin regarding who she really is?...WHERE DID ANY OF THESE THINGS LEAD AND WHY WERE THEY INCLUDED?" After the resultant shrug, I will snap my fingers, birth a shadow demon and it will strike all of you down.

Ben: Separating the episode out from the season, it was a tremendous let-down coming out of the awesomeness that was Blackwater last week, as I think we kind of expected it to be, but it was also just disappointing in that it was the season finale. This was supposed to be the one that put us on the edge of our seats until next spring and I feel like it failed miserably at that. Not only were the cliffhangers, few, far between and uninteresting, but so many plots and characters were left in even flatter places than usual.

Last week was a master class from George RR Martin on how this show should be done and this week was anything but. With Blackwater, as we noted, we got a laser focused story full of intensity and memorable moments where you fell in love/back in love with the small cadre of characters involved; this episode was the equivalent of Ron Garvin’s lame duck reign as NWA World champion in 1987 because they wanted to take the belt off Ric Flair for a little bit but nobody believed he wasn’t getting it right back (it took me weeks, but yes, I finally worked in a pro wrestling reference).

Jordan: I too agree this episode was a letdown, and not just because it followed The Blackwater. The vignettes were just way too short and way too all over the place this time. If a viewer had missed the rest of the season and then plopped down to watch this, he/she would see it jumping from location to location and character to character and think it was the worst episode of SNL ever (though Haratio Sanz would have portrayed Cersei better).

Taking into account your fantastic point about the structure of the first season vs. this one, I can't help but wonder if the show would have been better served trying to do HALF of the second book instead of the whole darn thing AND parts of the third. Yes, I have the clarity of hindsight when saying this, but at the same time it's safe to say that most readers realized the monumental task ahead for the writers and approached this season with an "I have no idea how they are going to do this" mindset. I wonder if the success of the first season, and its ability to perfectly encapsulate so much of the book, set the stakes unreasonably high for the next season as far as how much they could feasibly accomplish.

I must add that I LIKED this season, and as far as translating book to screen it was a far cry from a "Michael Bay ruining my childhood" scenario, but I also think it could have been done better with stronger pre-production.

FUN FACT: Kids, "Pre-Production" is the stage before writing begins on a show where everyone sits in a room and figures out how the season is going to run. In more familiar terms, it's the time Ben Affleck should be spending on figuring out how he should portray a character in a movie as opposed to playing video games.

I have no idea why I wrote that Fun Fact part like the narrator from How I Met Your Mother.

Ben: For the most part, the stuff at King’s Landing was oddly disjointed simply because last week was clearly their season finale, and everything I know about storytelling tells me that you end your year on Tywin showing up and Tyrion’s fate unknown, rather than the immediate dull aftermath of both events before anything else happens.

That said, I still rather enjoy the King’s Landing scenes through the strength of the performances as most of the best characters/actors are based there and also got the most time to shine this season, even if it was in large part all last week. Though I stand by not really knowing the Tyrells and thus not caring about them as much as I feel I could, I will say I’m more intrigued by them than a lot of other new characters. I like that Margaery’s ambition is pretty naked, in that she’s not a Varys or a Littlefinger as far as manipulating her way into power, she just comes right out and says what she wants (to be Queen) and lets those in charge know she’ll do whatever they want to get that. I can’t get a bead on whether she’s a good person, a bad person, or something in between, so again, she intrigues me. I’d also like to know what’s driving her brother now that his lover is gone.

Jordan: I too like that Margaery is pretty naked. You served that one right up to me.

In all seriousness though, it adds a lot to boring scenes for her to wear that crazy boob dress she has. A fine point by you.

As mentioned in an old episode of this blog that I am too lazy to find or link [EDITOR’S NOTE: Ditto], Margery is a complete enigma in the books as far as what her ambitions are. It's obviously been spelled out for us in over-the-top terms on the show, but in the book there is an uneasiness around her character as no one (including the readers) seems to know if she is sincere in her words or not. As for her brother Loras, I'd hate to shove his motivations into such a simple place, but to my knowledge I have to default to, "He's gay. He's pissed. He wants revenge."

I will take this time to point out that the Tyrells don't interest me in the least. Boob dress excluded.

Ben: I go hot and cold on Sansa, or rather on the actress playing her, Sophie Turner, as she can be brilliant one scene/week and then awkward and stiff the next. It was nice to see her so gleeful at the prospect of being free of Joffrey—because who wouldn’t be—but it didn’t quite come off as genuine as I’d like. Littlefinger was great in his frank appraisal of her reality though; I didn’t realize how much the show missed him until that scene where he reminded me.

Jordan: Sophie Turner only has had to do one thing on his show and that's "act as if she is acting," otherwise known as the "January Jones Wheelhouse." I too am trying to figure out exactly how good she is. Rather than put too much effort behind this, let's just agree with this equation and move on:

GAME OF THRONES ACTING EQUATION: Peter Dinklage > Rest of Cast > A piece of tinfoil > The Hound/Mormont

I will now take this time to point out that the Gmail app for iPhone is the devil. It erased my entire response to this entry not once but (as of this morning) TWICE. Several weeks of my life have gone into simply contributing to this one blog entry, and while I looked like the man in the photo at the top at the start of this email, I now look like Balon Greyjoy. If you look closely at my dialogue, you can actually see the moment where my spirit was irrevocably broken.

Ben: The stuff with Tyrion and Shae was sweet. I have little interest in her on her own, but as he does with so many others, Peter Dinklage brings out the best; their devotion to one another given where each came from is sweet. I feel like Tyrion should have ended the season on a bigger note, though, and a cliffhanger given that he’s everybody’s favorite character and thus they’d get invested in not knowing his fate; as it was, it blew my mind that his last scene of the year was so bland (ditto for pretty much everybody at King’s Landing).

Jordan: Totally agree with you on there being an insufficient cliffhanger for Tyrion. Full disclosure: Because I knew it was the season finale, and figured "they can't go out this way with Tyrion in some weepy love scene," the moment Tyrion gently held Shae's head in his hands I expected him to twist her neck, killing her. Perhaps done in some sort of "killing her to save her from the pain of loving him" way. This didn't happen in the books or anything, but these HBO writers are untrustworthy sons of bitches so you never know.

It's now, as I write this, that I realize that reading the end of "Of Mice and Men" made me think that's the way every season of a show will end.

Ben: I don’t know what Varys is up to, but I think I’m supposed to be ok with that, and I enjoy watching him work, so I am. His bit with the whore was a highlight.

Jordan: He's a sneaky one!

...I got nothing.

Ben: How did Stannis get away from King’s Landing relatively unscathed? Wasn’t he right in the heart of the battle when Tywin rode in? I’m not saying it’s implausible he escaped, but even a throwaway line explaining how would have been nice. I actually kind of wanted him to be imprisoned as it would be a new setting and dynamic for the character and because he’d be an interesting ally to Tyrion.

Jordan: Maybe I have an overactive imagination, but I completely bought the unseen conceit that Stannis' men dragged him kicking and screaming from battle, chucked him on a boat, rowed around the icky green stuff, gave him a warm bath, and then plopped him back in that throne room in Dragonstone. Wasn't at all surprised to see him back home (though in my head he had fuzzy bunny slippers).

As much as I would have loved the idea of the caped-and-masked Stannis-Tyrion superhero duo you suggest, I don't think their personalities would have worked for it. Tyrion derives all of his power from persuasion and manipulation, and Stannis' power lies in his stiff, unbending nature. I can see them trying to have a simple conversation, getting pissed, and then flinging their teacups at one another (The English accents on the show suggest every conversation of theirs would happen over tea).

Ben: Still don’t care about Melisandre.

Jordan: I very much care about her. She made love on a giant game of Risk and then shot a shadow demon out of her girl-parts. Screw Bo Derek, these two actions are what I like to call a "perfect 10."

Ben: Timely reference!

Whereas I complained about other plots moving at a glacial pace, the Robb/Talisa one jumped to light speed. I was interested to see their courtship, especially given how they seemed drawn to one another yet on opposite poles of philosophy at first, but ok, I guess torrid sex and then a secret wedding works too. Catelyn’s attempts to extol the virtues of a loveless marriage made me chuckle.

Jordan: The Robb betrothal happens even MORE quickly and randomly in the books, making it both a wacky surprise for Catelyn and the readers. If my swiss-cheese memory serves me right, the whole first mention of Robb's lady and their betrothal happens like this:

CATELYN: Robb, I let Jaime Lannister go.
ROBB: WHOA! DUDE! NOT COOL! Why?
CATELYN: I want my daughters back, Robb.
ROBB: JEEZ! This is SO LIKE YOU! I'm ever so angry! (kicks a chair over)
CATELYN: Robb, I'm sorry, but I am a mother and I had to do what I had to do.
ROBB: Sigh. Well...I want to be angry at you, but I know as my mother I must forgive you.
CATELYN: That's very big of you Robb. Thank you for underst-
ROBB: I'M MARRIED! SURPRISE!!!!
CATELYN: Whoa, WHAT?! To who?!!
ROBB: Some lowborn wench. I was sad one day and she was consoling me...next thing I know we were re-enacting the train scene from Risky Business.
CATELYN: But...but you are supposed to marry some ugly Frey chick.
ROBB: I KNOW! Jeez, mom. I know! Still, I want you to meet her. You'll love her.
CATELYN: I dunno, Robb. I mean, it's sorta my THING to be a judgmental, unlikeable, nagging old crone. It's WHO I AM!
ROBB: Just give it a shot.
CATELYN: Okay. I will meet her. But I'm going to spend a few paragraphs talking about how irresponsible you are so I can maintain my spot as "most unlikeable character in Game of Thrones."
ROBB: Deal!
BRONSON PINCHOT: My lord, the enemy is advancing.

Ben: Still not sold on Brienne. I was hoping this would be her breakout scene, and it came close because she did kick ass, but I still feel like her line delivery comes off clumsy where it should be intimidating as hell. Need more Jaime next season.

Jordan: I am right about everything. We both know this. That said, I may have been wrong this one time when I said Gwendoline Christie as Brienne seemed good. She is not. Ohhhhhh boy she is not. I am not certain if they cast her simply by her looks, but she seems very vanilla for such an interesting character. Meanwhile Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Jaime is acting circles around her and the combo just looks off.

By the way, Jaime is supposed to be blonde, blonde, blonde. Blonde personified. Blonde times a million. He has a dark brown beard on this show. This makes me want to throw a desk out of a plate glass window and then kill a kitten.

Ben: Theon’s scene with Luwin was maybe his best all year, and he’s been one of the few guys I thought had a breakout year. After all the bluster, when he broke down and let it all out about how terrible his life has been, I was cheering, because dammit, he’s had it rough. The line about being constantly reminded how grateful he should be to the people who kidnapped him was particularly great and impactful. His confessions about his family hammered home what I’ve been saying about his motivation. I don’t get the sense Luwin was ever really scared of Theon, more he was indifferent toward him, but when he showed pity and kindness, I really liked this dynamic. I’m glad Theon didn’t elect to run or go to The Wall, because this is a character I do care about (though I still would have been ok with him dying, for the completely different reason that he’s so tragic and it would fit).

Jordan: Theon is really likable in this sequence, which is great because the chief thing I wanted out of this season was to flip the script on those people who thought I was a monster for liking someone as awful as Theon. Now those people look like unsympathetic jerks. Thanks, Game of Thrones!

Despite all of his shortcomings and the overwhelming odds he faced, Theon had a chance to flee and instead he chose to fight. I admire the hell out of that. Pat Riley, former head coach of the Miami Heat pro basketball team, once said, "To be a leader one must be unafraid to risk unpopularity in the name of standing up for what is right." Theon perfectly embodies this notion.

Lord, I butchered that quote. I'm also fairly certain it was actually said by Abraham Lincoln.

Ben: And after that heartfelt scene, delivering a rousing speech then getting clocked in the head by his own men was, I thought, a perfect exit for Theon; also, an intriguing cliffhanger, because who knows how he’ll be greeted back on the Iron Islands, or if they’ll even take him there as opposed to maybe dumping him with the Starks for a payoff.

Jordan: Theon getting clocked in the head by his own men was a surprise to me that made me chuckle. In the books he is actually knocked unconscious when his army...wait...I can't say because it may happen at the beginning of the next season. CRAP! HBO writers, you have left me unable to determine what exactly I can say because I don't know what you are skipping over and what you are saving for later.

Maybe I...can I say this?...I think I can...whatever, I'll do it anyways.

In the books Theon has an ugly-as-hell sidekick named "Reek" that does his bidding for him. In the show, this character has not been seen yet but definitely will be in there next season. I am not certain how the relationship between Theon and Reek will change now that so much has happened without Reek being there, but I guess that is another quandary for another day.

Crap, I just realized they are already changing the third book and the new season hasn't even begun yet. It takes skill to mess up future seasons like that.

Ben: Luwin did a nice job with his death scene, though I’m beginning to doubt the effectiveness of this “milk of the poppy” stuff given how often it’s prescribed and how little it’s actually used. What the fuck happened at Winterfell was another good cliffhanger.

Jordan: I didn't like Luwin in the books or the show, so I greeted his demise happily.

Whenever I hear "milk of the poppy" I think of the character of Poppie From Seinfeld. This sentence was of no use to anyone.

Ben: It felt like they remembered Arya was both on the show and a pretty pivotal character very last minute, so they tacked on a two minute scene for her. That said, the trick with Jaqen was pretty awesome and made me jump.

Jordan: Jaqen is a badass. Love that guy.

Arya got the short end of the screen time stick in this episode, and now that the season is over I can fully say they chopped out about half of her awesome-as-hell story in favor of more crummy made up Tywin scenes. This is SUCH a shame as her story was unquestionably the most interesting one in the second book. Gone are her scary scenes where she is simultaneously tracking and trying to elude Sandor "The Mountain" Clegane and his band of torturers. Gone are all of the scenes in the forest with Hot Pie and Gendry, making both of those characters completely useless. And, most notably, gone is almost any mention of the characters "Rorge" and "Biter." Were you to ask anyone who watched the show what "Rorge" and "Biter" were they would undoubtedly guess they were the names of skateboarding companies.

Ben: Dany had the big water cooler moment in last year’s finale, so it was going to be hard to top that. It was fantastic to see Drogo again, and made me really miss that character and in particular their relationship, which was by far my favorite on the show. I liked getting to see Dany once again empowered and flashing that creepy cool smirk after a season where she whined way too much, but it did also feel like the House of the Undying and Qarth ended up as being built up too long and too hard for how quickly it all unraveled. Eh, whatever, hopefully Dany stays bad ass.

Jordan: Ahhhhh yes. When this scene started I did a cursory glance at the clock I realized there was only like eight minutes left in the season (five minutes if you take out the credits, irritating ads for HBO GO, and "Coming up next: Encino Man"). This meant one of two things:

a) The season was going to end with Dany seeing the first of the many terrifying and fascinating hallucinations in the House of the Undying...perhaps something like the haunting, bloody figure sitting on the throne with a wolf's head crudely sewn onto its body...and the next season would begin with the realization that the thing before her was all in her mind. Then would begin the amazing journey of hers of trying to get out of the House of the Undying in one piece.

or

b) The show would shorten the whole House of the Undying bit to the length of a fart.

We all knew which one they would pick.

After a season of the HBO writers tiptoeing around how much they wanted to change the books into their own awful, awful creation, here comes the full-frontal "F YOU" to the book-reading audience. Dany's journey through the House of the Undying is many readers' favorite scene in the entire series...and they butchered it. Many book readers waited excitedly through the episodes for this payoff, only to be shadow demon'd in the back when they actually saw it.

In the books, when Dany enters the House of the Undying she realizes she is becoming more and more lost and that the place itself is a trap trying to cage her for all eternity. As she goes from room to room she is greeted with hallucinations from her past, eerily bloody and confusing hallucinations of the future, and a room full of creepy mummified wise men. Every vision of Drogo and the things she holds dear is meant to be a trap to make her want to stay there forever, but she fights them all away and presses onward like the valiant dragon-woman she is. When she emerges from the House of the Undying, she is not only substantially wiser, but stronger mentally and primed to begin the massive takeover she needs to invade Westeros. Hoo-rah!

In the show, for some reason, they boiled the whole thing down to “evil warlocks stole her dragons and she needs to find them.” The buildup was immense, the payoff fleeting and idiotic. The multiple hallucinations turned into a pointless "Aw shucks. I miss that Drogo guy" moment, and the climactic scene is whittled down to a campy villain vs heroine showdown. It was like this scene wasn't even written by the same people who wrote the rest of the series. Like kids handing in a half-assed final assignment before summer vacation, the writers just re-skinned the end of "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and then went outside to play "Manhunt" in the woods.

Ben: Jorah Mormont is not even capable of keeping up with a teenage girl as they walk leisurely around a small tower. That pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Man, did I want him to bite it. Seriously, I’m tempted to say that had he died I would consider all forgiven and the first five paragraphs of this post would have been me saying how awesome this season was.

Jordan: In the books Mormont does not attempt to enter the House of the Undying with Dany, so when I saw him and that other dude trying to enter with her I was confused as to why the change had been made. Then Mormont lost Dany, looked up to the building and yelled "KHAAALLEEEEESIIIIII" and I had my answer: The HBO writers are idiots.

Ben: Qhorin Halfhand’s plan and sacrifice was pretty clever and noble…except for the crucial fact that he did not take into account that it relies on Jon Snow not fucking up the opportunity he’s now been given, which he absolutely will do.

Jordan: In the books the situation is direr. Qhorin and Jon Snow are pretty damn sure they are going to be killed then and there, and Qhorin risks his life in the name of a plan that he hopes will save Jon Snow and work towards the betterment of all of Westeros. In the show, the thing got drawn out to the point of making the Wildlings look stupid when they fell for it. Also, it made Qhorin look like an idiot because (like you said) I wouldn't trust this Jon Snow idiot to walk my dog, let alone stop the Wildling horde and save the kingdom.

Ben: It was nice to see Ygritte bullying/flirting with Jon again, but she’s much less interesting when she was to rein it in around Shao Kahn from Mortal Kombat.

Jordan: Not a big fan of the treatment of the Lord of Bones in the show so far. In the books, ol' Rattleshirt (as he is called) is athletic, terrifying, and bloodthirsty. In the show, he is some slow-speaking fat, bearded dude who looks to me sorta like Cliff Clavin from Cheers. Hopefully they will make him more menacing and intimidating to up the stakes and help explain the actions surrounding his character...(remembers how The Hound acted this season)...God help us all.

Ben: And that brings us to the true cliffhanger of the season and the big finish: the return of the White Walkers. I have to say this was well done on pretty much every front, from the fact that we haven’t really seen these guys since literally the first minutes of the first episode to the masterful job the visual effects team did to the perfect pan out to close the episode with the reveal of just how vast this army is. It’s a definite wild card, which I love, and I’m interested to see where it goes. Also, I would add Sam to the list of people I’d be bummed about losing, so having him be the one in jeopardy was the smart play.

Jordan: I was surprised to see the White Walkers bit as the cliffhanger. The scene they showed is a relatively small part of the book when you compare it against the epic Blackwater battle and The House of the Undying. As cool as it looked, having it shoved in there at the end made me do less of an "Oh wow, COOL! I was WAITING to see more of those monsters" and more of an "Oh yeah. Totally forgot about those things."

The only thing I found a bit hokey was the White Walker seeing Sam and continuing on instead of trying to attack him. The White Walker seemingly tipped its cap to say, "Howdy. Just on my way to eat some people's brains. You stay classy, fatso."

Ben: My concern is that with so much already going on—the struggles at King’s Landing, Stannis’ imminent return, Robb’s campaign, Dany’s eventually arrival, Jon’s dilemma, whatever the heck’s happening with Theon and the Greyjoys—it may just add another unnecessary layer that diminishes the existing cast and stories even further. I do actually have faith here, though; if they held off their return for a whole two seasons, I feel like they’ll be able to use these guys with the necessary restraint.

Jordan: Yes, because restraint is squarely part of these writers' reputation…

Writer: "How do I capture the interesting innuendo that Renly and Loras are possibly operating as secret lovers....I know! Overt fellatio scene!"

Wow I sound so beaten down. While I liked this season, I think this final episode's fall from the epic Blackwater battle was a particularly steep one for me. It was a cataclysmic error to have the Blackwater, the unquestioned climax of the second book, be the second-to-last episode. You had built-in cliffhangers in that episode like "Is Tyrion alive or dead?" "Will Sansa be safe now what Joffrey's main enemy has been vanquished?" and "What happened to Stannis?" thrown straight into the dung pile.

As a television producer [EDITOR’S NOTE: Emmy-nominated television producer!], I'm trying to think practically about why the decision was made to have the Blackwater be second-to-last. All I keep coming back to is a fear from the show's producers that they would somehow fail in the show's hardest-to-film episode and the season would end on a flat note. Having a more conventional episode finish out the season would reduce the risk and provide a safety net should things go poorly. Turns out, ironically, that the final episode had the opposite effect. It diminished the astonishing triumph the Blackwater episode provided and sent audiences into the summer with a blah taste in their mouths.

The end of a movie or television season NEEDS to be the pinnacle of that season to keep viewers interested and coming back for more. It's the thing they teach you on the FIRST DAY of film-making 101.

I have never, in my life, taken a film course.

Ben: I said a lot to start, so I won’t say as much to finish, other than that I don’t hate this show, I just want it to live up to what I feel is the full potential it demonstrated in the first season and then just last week. Even recounting this tepid finale, I found so many bright spots I’d like to see exploited further. So I am looking forward to next season and hopeful Game of Thrones can recapture some of its former glory.

Jordan: I too am hopeful for the third season to be a return to the magic of the first season. From what I hear, they have already made the decision to have the next season be only the first HALF of the third book. This will hopefully avoid the scattered nature of the second season and properly tell the story without the need for shortcuts. The third book, A Storm of Swords, is one of my favorite books of ALL TIME. It is absolutely CRAZY the stuff that happens in it, so my hopes will be unreasonably high right from the get-go. What could go wrong?!

I never thought it would happen, but my brain has finally fatigued on Game of Thrones talk so it's fitting this is the last entry until we next meet Jon Snow n' Friends. This truly has been a very polarizing, exhausting season, and the highs of the Blackwater have been matched by the lowest lows of dragon fire in a warlock's face.

My final thought, before I enter into a long and restful summer hibernation, has been saved in the back of my mind all season long. I feel it is fitting that I share it with you now:

Hodor must poop a LOT. I mean like Mastadon levels.

Ben: My final note would be that even when I didn’t like the show as much as I used to, I still always enjoyed doing these blogs with you, buddy. Thanks for coming onboard and making it fun. Looking forward to our next top secret gig.

Jordan: Had such a fun time and can't wait for our next adventure! You are my moon and stars, Ben.

Ben: See you all in July!

Ben & Jordan Watch Game of Thrones: Blackwater

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watch HBO’s Game of Thrones and have decided to write a column about it. While Jordan ran out and read all the books on which the show is based after season one, Ben prefers books with pictures and floppy covers.

Bear witness to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Melrose Place as they try to do the tradition of Sean T. Collins and Megan Morse proud!

Jordan: Hooooooooo BOY the greatest Game of Thrones episode of all time and I get to lead it off! How to start, how to start? I know! Lena Headley's bottom teeth looked particularly jagged and out of place in this episode. We also noticed that she appears to only move her bottom lip while talking, like some sort of swamp creature...

Okay, if that doesn't grab you, then I will talk about the battle. This episode was just brilliant, and EVERYTHING in it worked for me. From the opening scene where Davos and his son are on their way to war, to the final scene where Tywin comes in to say the Lannisters were victorious, there was not an old choice from the book or a new choice scripted that I felt needed to be changed. I was not at all surprised to read afterward that this episode was written by none other than George R.R. Martin himself! The guy is a genius.

Ben: I’ve made no secret here that this season of Game of Thrones has been quite up and down for me, and at times I’ve been very frustrated the show. Another thing I’ve done frequently on this blog is compare it unfavorably to Mad Men, simply because that happens to be the other one hour drama I watch on Sunday nights and it happens to be in the midst of what just may be its finest season to date (and it wins the Emmy every year, so, y’know). Because my wife likes to use our DVR to tape a lot of reality shows, of late we’ve been catching the replay of Game of Thrones late Sunday night or even Mondays, meaning Mad Men gets priority and I generally watch that show first, making it even tougher for this one to compete. This past week, Mad Men perhaps had the best episode of its best season with “The Other Woman,” so even though I was psyched for the big war, I was not liking Game of Thrones’ shot of wowing me this particular go around.

Fortunately, Mr. R.R. Martin (read his interview with Marvel.com here!) penned an episode so great I wasn’t just talking Monday about how incredible Mad Men was, I was waxing about how it was simply of the best nights of television I could remember period.

This episode was everything that made me fall in love with Game of Thrones in the first place. First and foremost, the dialogue was top notch, be it powerful, moving, humorous or so on; it captured the full range of emotions. The cast involved was at the top of their game and had me audibly cheering and groaning. The ebb and flow of the tapestry of plot was masterful, jumping from one story within story to the next effortlessly as it did in the show’s earliest episodes. The orchestration of all the moving parts and the infusion of action worked wonderfully. It was indeed the best this show has ever been in my opinion.

Jordan: One thing I really enjoyed was that this episode stayed on the battlefront and never left. Unlike the last episode, where you got a bunch of snippets of scenes from a bajillion different parts of the kingdom, this one focused on the war in the kingdom's capitol. Much like the books, which made the reader feel the magnitude of the war by seeing it from several different characters' perspectives, the viewer was locked in and there was no escape from the clash of kings (nerdy book title reference). An even larger feat was somehow cramming the entire battle into ONE EPISODE! It made me somehow happy and sad at the same time to know that the season would not be going out on this momentous episode.

Ben: Definitely this was the flip side of my complaints that last week’s episode was short attention span theater and didn’t give me time to care about anything or anybody. You still had like a dozen viewpoints big and small to follow here, but keeping them all confined to one space and giving each scene proper time to development works wonders.

I can’t help but ponder whether or not this wouldn’t be a more effective format for the series overall at this point. Early on last year, while the cast was big, it was manageable enough that you could have them all in just about every episode, particularly as the bulk of the action was confined to Winterfell or King’s Landing or wherever, with the cuts to The Wall or the Dothraki kingdom feeling more like novelties than distractions. Now there are so many characters and they’re so spread out that at times like last week when they try to cram the whole world of Game of Thrones into an hour it has disastrous results. Obviously this week was a very special case as it was the payoff to the biggest storyline of the season and demanded the attention it got, but I wonder if the show couldn’t benefit from being structured a little bit more like you say the books are by picking a handful of characters each week and telling their “chapters” then not coming back to them for like a month.

We’ll see next week (and next season, I suppose).

Jordan: Because this episode was not a typical format, when dissecting it I struggled to pick something to talk about first. I kept going back to one thing: That wildfire explosion was one of the coolest things I have ever seen on television. When that arrow went up in the air and that neon green explosion happened, there was not a human being alive watching that didn't think the same thing: "OH SHIT!" It was the moment that changed the stakes of the entire battle and needed to be big and hoo-rah did it deliver. I have this bizarre urge to put an m80 into a glass of Ecto-Cooler just to recreate it.

Ben: The explosion was great as was the whole sequence leading up to it. I’m glad we didn’t get more than the most subtle hint as to Tyrion’s master plan (basically just him saying “pig shit” with a ponderous expression last week), as watching it unfold had me on the edge of my seat. I had an inkling of what was coming when they showed the empty boat, but really until it actually happened I wasn’t entirely sure, so I certainly jumped out of my seat (not really, but almost). It was a spectacular site. They used their FX budget well and something as seemingly small as choosing to have the fire be green resonated with my silly brain as I went “Oh! Dragons! Dragons are green!” like an idiot.

Granted I’m color blind, so maybe I saw something different than everybody else, but your Ecto-Cooler comment reassures me I did not.

Pooling their effects into big spectacles like the explosion also helped me forgive the night-camouflaged battle sequences, as even though I couldn’t quite make them out, I appreciated that they picked their shots and make the right calls in my mind.

Jordan: When reading this battle in the books, my wife and I both were squarely rooting for Stannis' army. He was the rightful king, his army was full of supporters who wanted a better kingdom, he would have saved Sansa, and...let's face it folks...Tyrion was literally the only Lannister that was truly likable in King's Landing. Thus, I was surprised when the director chose to use what can only be described as "ominous villain music" whenever Stannis was onscreen. They also changed a few lines to make Stannis seem like a monster. Varys saying something in the books akin to, "Stannis is a stubborn man, so in the name of his own personal justice he will never rest and the kingdom will be wrought with war" became "Stannis and his men loooooove raping people, and they work in the DARK ARTS!" The only thing I can surmise is that the show's producers must have told George R.R. Martin that the hero of the war was too ambiguous in the books, so the audience NEEDED to root for the Lannisters. Hence all that raping thrown in there. Lord there was lots of raping references.

Ben: I didn’t feel like the good/evil line was as clearly defined as you did. I thought Stannis was portrayed as a hard man, but not really any more so than in the past few weeks. I still saw him as the blue collar guy who had earned his reward and was willing to fight for it. Even his throwaway line about being ok with sacrificing thousands of his own men didn’t bother me because he’s a professional soldier and anybody who signed on with him knew what they were getting into. He was certainly a hundred times more likable than Joffrey, who I would have loved to see trampled beneath his boot.

Yes, at the end of the day we rooted for Tyrion, but that’s not just because he’s so fucking charismatic, it’s also because he was the only one who gave a shit about the common folks fighting for him. Joffrey and Cersei could obviously care less about their subjects and only see them as a means to an end. As noted, Stannis is decisively more of a grey area kind of guy, but I didn’t really feel like we were meant to relate to his army as they were never portrayed as any more than cannon fodder. Tyrion, even if his self-interest came first, seemed genuinely dedicated to motivating the working class populace of King’s Landing, who unless I’ve missed something are meant to be as close to “us” as this show gets (assuming “us” means middle class people who have HBO). Basically, I would have been fine with Stannis killing Joffrey, but I did want Tyrion to, at worst, get away, or, at best, lead the blacksmiths and barkeepers to victory if not some sort of peace with the invaders.

Lot of rape references.

Jordan: One thing I have been waiting two seasons for is an accurate depiction of The Hound. This was FINALLY it. He was every bit the scary, gravelly, monstrous beast described in the books...even making Bronn seem like a wimp by comparison. In my mind's eye George R.R. Martin and I were on the same page watching the soft, eyelash-batting portrayal of The Hound and he was like, "Oh F this. I am SO writing that Blackwater episode and making my character cool again." His scene where he dramatically tells Tyrion and Joffrey off was mesmerizing, and his all-too-brief scene with Sansa was wonderful. The only thing I must nit-pick is that in the books The Hound tries to get Sansa to come with him, but she is SO afraid of him that she would rather take her chances with the outcome of the war. Perhaps because of the weak portrayal of The Hound up to this point they had to go another tack and have Sansa tell him no although it made total sense for her to go with him.

Ben: The Hound was at his best this episode. His scene with Bronn in the bar was also awesome, as you really got a sense of both guys, their commonalities as well as their differences. We only got small doses of Bronn throughout the war, but man did he make them count, from his initial rousing in the bar to his firing the arrow to saving the Hound’s ass. I was SURE Bronn was going to die, actually, because after the bar scene I noted how awesome he was, and generally when I have done that on this show it has been the kiss of death (RIP Arya’s swordplay instructor and the dude trying to get her north; y’know, maybe it’s Arya, not me).

Jordan: I'm not sure why they injected the poison storyline into this episode. It got a bit muddy with Cersei telling Sansa that Ser Ilyn would chop their heads off if they were captured, and the next moment running out to poison her son. In the books, there is no poison, and Cersei, Sansa, and the noble ladies are locked up in a super elegant dining room (which added to the surreal nature of Cersei's cold comments). My guess is they told George R.R. Martin, "Look, budget-wise you can either have an elegant dining room or a wildfire explosion so insanely awesome that it will instantaneously impregnate any woman watching it." He made the right choice in my opinion.

Ben: I can’t really imagine this dining room you speak of, because the setting they were in seemed so perfect; they really were caged birds trying to create luxury in the most awful situation and their shoddy surroundings straining to be elegant sold it for me.

I figured the poison storyline was in place because while Cersei would have had Ilyn shred Sansa and company to bits without hesitation so Stannis didn’t get them as spoils or hostages, she sure as hell wasn’t letting him touch her or her son, that’s just what she told Sansa to mess with her.

Jordan: Speaking of Cersei, along with The Hound it looks like George R.R. Martin finally set things right with the character in this episode. No more of that "I'm a fragile flower" crap Lena Headley has been doing all series and more of the calculating, cocky, vampish Cersei we all loved (and loved to hate) from the books. It's with this quality that the character really comes alive onscreen, as with Cersei's previous scene of threatening to kill Tyrion's whore if he stepped out of line. You could see the relish and excitement in Lena Headley's eyes when she tells Sansa that a woman needs to use the weapon in between her legs. I am not sure if it is perceptible the way the characters are vacillating wildly from episode to episode to someone who hasn't read the books, but for me it's been a bit maddening. I blame the 150,000 directors the series has had.

Ben: Lena Headey was excellent for the third straight week by my reckoning. The more drunken and vulgar she got, the more I enjoyed her. It felt like she was pushing back against years of being forced to act like a lady by openly acting the part of the bitch she’s always been behind the scenes and loving every minute of it. Credit to Sansa as well for taking everything Cersei was giving in their dynamic.

Jordan: No Mormont! No problem!

Ben: I have nothing to add.

Jordan: If there was ever an episode I thought Peter Dinklage should win an Emmy for, it was this one. George R.R. Martin may have penned his best line ever with this part of Tyrion's speech to the troops: "Those are brave men knocking at our door...LET'S GO KILL THEM!" I am forever going to try to find a way to insert this bit of dialogue into everyday life.

Ben: That was a truly wonderful bit of dialogue indeed. I look forward to hearing it at least a dozen times when I see you this weekend.

We don’t say much about Tyrion or Peter Dinklage because he’s at the point where he’s so good you run out of nice things to say (my friend Sean and I used to have this problem all the time when we reviewed comics for the Wizard web site). This episode was the pinnacle of his hero’s journey to date, where once again he waded into battle as he did last season and once again found himself knocked out, but this time because he was an active participant, not because he was trampled. My heart broke for him when Tywin showed up—cool a moment as it was—because, dammit, he EARNED this one.

Jordan: One thing I was surprised at was the active role Stannis played in this battle. He was first out of the water, first storming the wall, and was chopping people's heads off like the Slap-Chop infomercial spokesman. In the books, he is on the back lines of the battle so this was a welcome change.

Ben: And this is why I didn’t find Stannis to be the clear cut villain. He’s out there amongst his troops, facing the same risks as them, giving his all for his cause in contrast to Joffrey, so you have to respect him. He didn’t ask anything he wasn’t also willing to put on the line.

Jordan: In the books, Lancel is seriously, seriously wounded in battle. Watching him gallop around the castle, I was like, "Oh crap, how are they going to change this part?"...then Cersei stabbed him and I was shocked. So damn exciting. I seriously can't say enough about this episode. I need to watch it again. I am hyperventilating.

I feel like I am missing commentary on some stuff, but I can't remember it. And you know what? It doesn't matter. Whenever anyone asks for my top television moment in recent memory, I will scream, "GLORIOUS GREEN EXPLOSION!" That's all that matters. Thank you, Game of Thrones...thank you.

Ben: It feels natural for me to finish with some “well, they can’t possibly top this next week” doomsaying, but I’d prefer to end on a high note after this excellent episode, so I’ll just copy and paste the last thing you said…

Jordan: Thank you, Game of Thrones...thank you.

Ben & Jordan Watch Game of Thrones: The Prince of Winterfell

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watch HBO’s Game of Thrones and have decided to write a column about it. While Jordan ran out and read all the books on which the show is based after season one, Ben prefers books with pictures and floppy covers.

Bear witness to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Melrose Place as they try to do the tradition of Sean T. Collins and Megan Morse proud!

Ben: After two solid outings that reeled me back into what I felt was becoming a subpar season, this episode torpedoed my enthusiasm right back down. It just didn’t work for me. It wasn’t atrocious, and there were a lot of good scenes and bits—which we will of course cover along with the bad—but my biggest issue is that they didn’t spend enough time anywhere for me to get invested.

Jordan: I could not have had a more different reaction! For the first time all season, there wasn't a scene, performance or creative choice made that I could easily point to and say, "The episode was good...but THIS part sucked." You are correct that they didn't spend too long in any one spot, but I felt like they spend juuuuuust long enough for me to get invested before switching gears. The hallmark of a good show is to hook you, then leave you wanting more. They teach you that on the FIRST DAY in (insert film school I didn't go to here).

Ben: That would be fine if they were hooking me, but the only thing they’re leaving me wanting more of at the moment is for the episodes to end so Veep will come on. Have I mentioned I love getting final edit of this after you’re already done?

Jordan: Since we outnumber you 2-1, the overwhelming consensus is that the episode was good. By "we", I of course mean me and Joe Rogan's twitter account.

Ben: I was very impressed with how they balanced an impressively sizable cast last season, so I didn’t pay heed to any concerns about even more new characters bogging things down, but now I’m starting to think those are pretty valid. I don’t have any trouble remembering who’s who or anything like that, but the stop-start momentum of the storytelling is really hurting things, in my opinion. Here’s where I’m starting to see the issues in book-to-television translation without even having read the source material. With the book, as you’ve explained to me, you get lengthy chapters rotated between characters, so nobody is really getting shortchanged; here, you get five minutes of Dany’s story a week so it all feels so stagnant because we’re getting at least what feels like the equivalent of two pages of action doled out at a time. Everything seems to move at a snail’s pace and we’ve got no option to adjust that; were I reading the book, I could gorge myself as I choose and decide when I’ve had enough of the plots advanced, but here I just have to content myself with a month of watching Arya have her 18th tense table clearing/bonding session with Charles Dance.

Jordan: Hmm...me and Joe Rogan see your point. I will point out that the books at times had trouble in the opposite extreme, namely being stuck in a 25 page Bran or Sansa chapter while quietly praying Tyrion or someone else entertaining would be the next chapter. I do have to agree with you that some "snippets within the snippets" I think are getting unintentionally lost. For instance, certain important secondary characters like Rorge and Biter are being shown for 1/10th of a second and probably have already been forgotten by the television audience despite their important roles in the series. Still, I find the vignette feel of the show exhilarating, and it will make for a ton of fun as this extensive cast starts meeting each other in various scenes down the line.

Ben: The fact that this episode crystallized so many of my issues with the larger season as outlined above marks it as not a great one for me, but as I said, it was still a mixed bag, so let’s proceed.

Jordan: Nah, I say we just abandon this thing right now. Want to play football?

Ben: I would love to play either the real deal or some form of Madden on your new Xbox rather than watch this show at the moment, but we’ve made a commitment to our readers!

Our boy Theon’s stuff was part excellent and part awful this week. The excellent part was Yara’s appearance and their chat, as once again interactions with his family bring out the best in this character. It reinforced what I dig about Theon and have been harping on week after week: his deep-seeded need to prove himself worthy in the eyes of really anybody, but especially those who he unintentionally abandoned for most of his life. It’s weird, but I do think there are tinges of guilt in Theon’s motivations in as far as he feels bad that he didn’t really comprehend that he was living the high life while his father and sister hanging around a decrepit castle back home cursing his foster family. When he’s yelling and flambéing little kids, he becomes far less interesting because he’s just a bad guy; when he’s around his family, he becomes a far more intriguing figure as the little boy who wants his dad to tell him he’s his favorite.

Jordan: Totally agree with you. In regards to Theon trying to prove himself, Yara's stern warning to him that the Greyjoys’ place is the ocean just goes to show the confused situation Theon finds himself in. He is not only trying to prove himself to his father, not only trying to become a hero to his people, not only trying to prove he is more worthy than his sister to be heir to the throne...but is ALSO trying to live how his people live. You see him goaded into chopping people's heads off and making any possession he has legit by making someone "paying the iron price" for it (i.e. killing someone for it), but it all feels completely foreign to him. He tries so hard to do something right, only to accomplish it and get told it's been done the wrong way. Let's recap the sad, sad tale of Theon so far…

Theon yay!: Theon becomes a hero for the Starks in battle against the Lannisters!
Theon booooo!: Theon finds no joy in this because he is fighting for the family holding him hostage (After each of these imagine a sad trumpet going "wah wah wahhhh").

Theon yay!: Theon saves the lives of Bran and Robb!
Theon booooo!: Theon gets reprimanded for not saving them SOONER because Robb deep down doesn't trust him.

Theon yay!: Theon presents a letter from Robb to his dad, proclaiming him a King if he helps the Starks!
Theon booooo!: Theon's dad hits him for this, calling him out as a stooge for the Greyjoy opponents.

Theon yay!: Theon gets baptized as a true Greyjoy by his uncle!
Theon booooo!: Theon's sister still reminds him every two seconds he is not a Greyjoy in his heart.

Theon yay!: Theon takes over Winterfell, the seemingly unconquerable land of the Starks!
Theon booooo!: Theon's sister tells him Greyjoys are meant for the ocean. Winterfell is inland and thus not something they will be able to hold successfully.

Theon yay!: Theon (seemingly) butchers Bran and Rickon, preventing any uprising of Stark loyalists against him within the castle walls!
Theon booooo!: Theon's sister says Greyjoys LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE killing people....just not valuable hostages and children. THAT is shameful.

I could go on and on. Somewhere Rodney Dangerfield is shaking his head at the lack of respect Theon is getting.

Ben: Gemma Whelan just owned it as Yara this week with her turn-on-a-dime performance. I loved when she was laying into Theon for being an idiot and letting his impatience and anger get the best of him in regard to the Stark boys, really undercutting all his supposed accomplishments. I also loved the flipside when she made the tender appeal to her brother, not her rival, to come home because she really does love him and doesn’t want him dead. They key was how she waited until every other Greyjoy loyalist was out of the room before she showed Theon any affection; it would have rang false otherwise. Telling him he was an awful baby was a nice touch too.

Jordan: I REALLY loved Theon's interaction with his sister in this episode. At her core Yara loves her family and while she finds Theon to be a completely over-matched idiot, he IS trying as hard as possible to do what he thinks is in the best interest of the Greyjoys. The way she looked at him in the scene was perfect too. It's as if in her eyes, she is a master magician while Theon is a little kid that is overcompensating by having his first ever magic trick be sawing himself in half and then lighting himself on fire. She knows he won't be talked out of it, that he is probably going about it all wrong, but in the end she can't do anything but hope and pray it all works out well in the end.

Ben: But then Yara leaves and it’s back to cackling Theon and his band of bullies. I’m so much less interested in him wanting to be a prince or revered/feared by his subjects than the more complex stuff with his family. It also kind of kills the tension when you realize just how little he’s accomplished and how screwed he is: He’s been outwitted by a jungle girl along with two little kids, he’s made awful tactical errors pointed out by Yara (giving up his hostages, land locking himself away from the sea) and despite how he proud he is of taking Winterfell with so few men, well, he has like no men. The moment Robb decides to confront Theon will be an interesting one based on their history, but the moment immediately after will be a foregone conclusion because it’s a horribly one-sided contest.

Jordan: Theon is trying to play the part of Robb, but there is one huge difference: Theon has NO CLUE what the people he is fighting with are like. While Robb is utilizing his life's worth of knowledge as a Stark amongst Northmen, Theon is guessing left and right what these kooky pirate people would want in any given situation. The results thus far have been predictably bad, which is saying something since we are talking about the frickin' NEW LORD OF WINTERFELL over heya!

Ben: Also, that fake out with the neighbor kids that I called last week was so transparent I’m actively annoyed they treated the “reveal” of Bran and Rickon being alive as even a remotely big deal.

Jordan: Yeah, that was pretty obvious. An unfortunate result of these shortened scenes is telegraphing a lot. Hard to hide the big reveal after a 30 second scene that consisted of "Wow, glad we escaped. Hey, look! Neighborhood kids! How will we hide? Hmmmmmm. Hodor, you are dropping nut shells! Hmmmmmm."

Ben: Even Ygritte couldn’t salvage the beyond the Wall segments this week for me, mostly because she had like two lines. It wasn’t even Jon Snow’s fault in this case, as he was serviceable, but this is a prime example of the stop-start stuff I was talking about, as they would never linger more than two minutes on these guys, but still felt the need to sprinkle their story out in tiny portions throughout the episode; the past few weeks with Jon and Ygritte were much more effective as they had less but longer scenes and I got a sense of them and their situation. I wish they’d just skipped the Wall stuff this go around and consolidated it all into a future, lengthier installment, but this show can’t go an hour without Kit Harrington’s confused pout. It was nice to get confirmation that Jon got all his companions killed, though, as his constant failure is a source of amusement.

Jordan: I enjoyed the short beyond the Wall scenes this week. The Dolorous Edd/Sam crew finding the dragonglass was pretty neat to see, and Ygritte saving Jon Snow from the Lord of Bones was our first true reveal that he appears to be more to her than a virgin she wants to mess with (both sarcastically and sexually).

Strange thing to note: Although the book described the area just beyond the wall as cold, I didn't necessarily see it all being a GLACIER IN ANTARCTICA like the show has suddenly presented to us lately. I was imagining trees, frozen rivers...things like that...probably because they were written about constantly. Like, are we to believe once you walked 10 feet past Craster's spot in the woods all of a sudden you were in the Arctic? It's not a huge deal, but I feel like in the producer's haste to shoot somewhere cool like Iceland they made it a little TOO barren. Wow, I'm nitpicking now. Let's move on. Or abandon this and play football.

Ben: Also nice to see Sam and company again, and in that case, those guys are nicely cast in their niches, so a little goes a long way. I was really hoping that thing they found was a manhole cover and we were going to learn Westeros is post-apocalyptic New York City, but maybe next time.

Jordan: My first reaction was that we would see whatever the Westeros version of Ninja Turtles was. Alas, we do not see Krang and the Technodrone until at least book five.

Ben: I’m glad our main caveat from last blog was resolved somewhat if not outright addressed with Arya and Tywin finally splitting up, at least for a little bit. I don’t know how many scenes of them sitting at that table I watched, but it feels like enough to create a spin-off show where the Benny Hill theme is playing on a loop as Arya comes up with dumb additions to her impossibly elaborate fake dead father’s back story while Tywin sneers and then sighs.

Jordan: It DID feel like a spin-off, didn't it? No one was happier they split up than me. It was beginning to feel like a bet in the writer's room for how many episodes they could seamlessly weave dialogue from Growing Pains into the show without anyone noticing. Fortunately, they got called out last week after this exchange:

TYWIN: Carol, how dare you disobey us!
SANDOR "THE MOUNTAIN" CLEGANE: I never thought I would ever say that but Carol Ann Seaver, you're grounded.
ARYA: Wait...
TYWIN: No explanations. You are not getting a nose job.
ARYA: I know I'm not.
SANDOR "THE MOUNTAIN" CLEGANE: What?
ARYA: I'm not getting a nose job.
SANDOR "THE MOUNTAIN" CLEGANE: Don't confuse us by agreeing with us, Carol.

Ben: That would have been amazing. Actually, it just was.

Arya is a character this show needs to badly redeem in terms of awesomeness, as she was a breakout all last season and to kick this one off, but weeks of making the same wide-eyed “am I going to get caught?” face and carrying cups around has been a drag. Her back on the run with Gendry and the husky kid is a good start. And even though telling Jaqen he had to kill himself if he didn’t help them isn’t up there with her better gambits, like saying the dead kid was Gendry, it brought her precocious cleverness back to the fore, and that’s the side of her I want to see; it also gave Jaqen another chance to be bad ass, with the hanging guards bit, so that’s always nice.

Jordan: One of my all-time favorite scenes in the book was Arya telling Jaqen that the third person he has to kill is himself, causing him to go from world's most suave murderer in one moment to "oh please don't make me do this" scared guy the next. This wasn't done as well as it could have been, but it was entertaining nonetheless. One thing I didn't expect is that there is a level of comedy to the Jaqen killings that undercuts the really terrifying nature of Arya's life in Harrenhal. This is one of the three most deadly murderers in the kingdom essentially saving the life of Arya and anyone she cares about because of a debt. If the Growing Pains Tywin scenes didn't take the fear of this place out of you, then most certainly the humor of the Jaqen scenes did.

By the way, there have been a lot of facts from the Game of Thrones world left out of the TV series, but I submit Joren pointing out “Jaqen, Rorge, and Biter are the three most deadly murderers in the kingdom” as the biggest one left out. Totally killed the stakes in regards to those characters, and they now just seem like unwashed nobodies.

Ben: I was interested to see Jaime and Brienne paired up, because Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is similar to Peter Dinklage as far as being charismatic and bold enough in his acting that anybody playing off him is either going to rise to their best work to keep up or be left in the dust; sadly, I feel it was the latter scenario here. Jaime’s japes were so seamless and airy while Brienne’s retaliation I felt was supposed to show, hey, she’s clever too, but they just came off clumsy and stilted. I will give this one some more time, but poor start.

Jordan: Believe it or not, Brienne is supposed to be completely clumsy and stilted in every way but fighting, so this was more successful reaction from you than you might think.

Ben: If their goal was the unorthodox one of making me not interested in watching a particular character’s scenes, then yes, mission accomplished.

Jordan: Jaimie and Brienne's interaction boils down to cocky, dangerous jokester and honorable, completely uncomfortable knight. I agree that this could go either way, but if the books are any indication it should bear fruit.

Ben: I thought the Robb and Talisa stuff was good. Her origin story was her acting highlight thus far and really made me care about the character. Their sex scene was hot because they’re among the more attractive people on the show. I do feel like she has been getting progressively softer in her attitude, though, which I suppose is supposed to demonstrate how she’s so head over heels for Robb, but I liked when she debuted that there was an attraction but she also called him out on his shit and made him questions the whys of this war; now it feels more like she’s trying to reassure him that he’s the good guy and is doing the right thing, which is far more bland and predictable as a dynamic.

Jordan: Watching attractive people go at it is always fun. It's seriously the only reason anyone watches True Blood. Oh yeah, High and mighty True Blood Fan, like it's that AMAZING plot and character development that keeps you coming back for more.

Ben: Uh, remember how we bought the entire run of Melrose Place on bootleg VHS during college? And then I bought the entire run again on bootleg DVD a few years back? Maybe we should keep quiet…

Jordan: For some reason, I buy Robb and Talisa channeling their anger and attitudes into lust for one another. They are both strong-willed characters, so being told by everyone that there is one little thing they shouldn't do makes it irresistible. Something I don't buy? The king's men just casually strolling away from the tents the 5,000th time Talisa is in Robb's company and he curtly tells them "Leave us." A little wink from a guard would go a long way, even if it kills all of the tension in the series.

Ben: The Davos/Stannis scene was pure gold, one of the true highlights of the episode; another case where they only got a brief window but these guys were able to make it count. I started to see why you dig Stannis here Stephen Dillane just did a masterful job conveying his motivation and how he’s been getting screwed over despite being the most loyal, hardworking member of his family all his life. I felt for the guy. I also liked how Dillane threw a little bit of a pouting kid into his speech but not the degree it overshadowed the capable and dangerous man delivering it. Davos was the perfect straight man and I also genuinely dug the mutual respect these two battle-tested soldiers showed one another; on a show filled with posturing, arrogance and demands (all of which I am also a fan), stuff like that stands out.

Jordan: This makes me happy to no end. Something quite strange in watching this second season is that since I know already what will happen (more or less. Screw you HBO writers), I take more delight in the reactions of those around me than the show itself. Like, I could give a crap if the scene I saw in my head is executed to perfection onscreen, but am DEEPLY wounded when people come up to me and say, "Why do you dislike Tywin? That guy is such a cuddly teddy bear!" You liking Theon, and now coming around to Stannis, has me grinning from ear to ear.

Up to this point, I was worried they were just transforming Stannis into a cold villain, which made NO sense to me because he is never presented in the book that way. For all of the love for Tyrion, at this point in the book I think many readers are going into the Baratheon-Lannister battle-to-end-all-battles rooting for Stannis to win. This episode's speech, albeit brief, went a long way to showing that while he’s a cold, stern man, he has come a long way and finally deserves to be king. The acting chops of Davos and Stannis really shone in this one too, especially with the cool moment of Stannis telling Davos that he will be the Hand of the King in the new regime.

Still can't get over your reaction to this scene. I may rewatch it. I am giddy right now.

Ben: I like Tyrion, I like Bronn and I like Varys, but their scenes have ceased really telling me anything new about them (Tyrion had a terrible childhood, Bronn knows how to fight better than rich people, Varys likes to keep secrets) and in this episode especially it felt like they were just being tossed on screen because people like them. Normally that’s cool, because again, they’re all entertaining and I like watching them do whatever, but when everybody else is already struggling for screen time and plot advancement, I really don’t need yet another grudging mutual admiration exchange between Tyrion and Varys. The best King’s Landing scene was the Tyrion-Cersei stuff with Dinklage’s card shark shell game and Lena Headey’s overblown smug satisfaction—I think she’s growing by leaps and bounds recently—but even that felt like it was a rehash of crap I’ve already seen.

Jordan: I loved all of the Tyrion, Bronn, Varys AND Cersei stuff this episode. The scene with Bronn revealing he killed all of the thieves in the kingdom shows that in a weird way Tyrion's appointees are actually making the kingdom a safer place. He has a bizarre, rag-tag group of distrustful misfits around him that STILL are better than what was there previously. I also laughed loudly at Bronn cleaning his fingernails and it upsetting Tyrion. Those two could sit and stare at the wall in a scene and I would eat it up.

As for Cersei, despite her ugly looks Lena Headey is showing off some fine acting chops as of late. In the books I actually cared about Shae, so this scene was a lot tenser until Tyrion realizes that Cersei stupidly found the wrong woman. The Shae in this series is gross looking and a bad actress, so I was not expecting to like this scene. It was Lena Headey's smug, misguided jubilation that won me over, and made me happy she is on the series (although I would be happier if she had a bag over her face).

Ben: Lena Headey is a beautiful woman.

That scene of Dany and Mormont added absolutely nothing to the episode aside from getting his requisite eyebrow raise quota in for the week. It felt like it was put in just so they could cut from Varys telling Tyrion that Dany was a live to a shot of her (and to be fair, it was a cool shot).

Jordan: I didn't mind Jorah Mormont that much in this episode, most likely because the show's producers finally found a good length of time to have him onscreen to conceal how bad of an actor he is (plus or minus 15 seconds). I'm not the world's biggest Dany fan, so less of her is better for me on this show. That's all I have to say about thaaaat (said in a Forrest Gump voice).

Ben: All that said, I’m excited for next week and the war finally getting underway as I figure stuff’s gotta progress given the build to this and the herd is probably going to be thinned as well, which is necessary at this point.

Jordan: I am PUMPED for the battle, which has been called by tons and tons of crew members "un-filmable." Look, Jack, with enough money you can film anything...and Game of Thrones has enough money right now to afford to make this epic battle AND afford a full facial reconstruction for Lena Headey next season.....please?

Ben: Lena Headey is a beautiful woman.