XOXO 4 Ever: Ben & Kiel Say Goodbye to Gossip Girl Pt. 2

Previously on Cool Kids Table, Ben and Kiel revealed their roots as Gossip Girl fans, talked about the show's origins, discussed the Blair-Chuck wedding an more. We continue...

Ben: Ok, before we get to the big stuff, let’s talk Dan and Serena. As people were falling in love with the Chuck/Blair pairing season two and beyond, I was the dude sitting there screaming “The show is about Dan and Serena, people!” I stuck to my guns on this one no matter how boring Dan got (in the opinion of others—I always thought Lonely Boy was the best) or how loathsome Serena became; I firmly believed that both characters and their story would be redeemed if they ended the show together, and…I still feel that way.

Kiel: I wasn't assuming or rooting for them to end up together, really. I just wanted to see how they would logically make an ending happen after all the awful shit these people have done to one another. But again, I'll wait to put all my pieces together. Proceed.

Ben: Yes, it’s a bit creepy that Serena ended up with the guy who essentially admitted to being her long-term stalker (which actually makes total sense because she’s a narcissist). Yes, Dan forgave a shitload more than any sane person would have (I still think she got off way too easy for making that sex tape last season; when this season opened she was back to pouting about how everybody else ruined her life when she was a monster and that’s probably the biggest dangling unresolved thread I have an issue with). And yeah, it’s kind of a bummer the way that otherwise glorious flashback scene to the high school (junior high?) party complete Chuck Bass in all his scarf-adorned glory underlined how far they are from the relatively decent people they were at the beginning of the show, but whatevs. Gossip Girl was about a lot of stuff (and also nothing of substance whatsoever), but more than anything it was about the guy from outside getting the golden girl, so yay for that happy ending.

It also made the reveal of Gossip Girl’s reveal beautifully creepy and subversive.

Kiel: Yes. Well, it was creepy by an objective standard, but by the show's logic I'd argue that the reveal actually CONFIRMS its overall "message." But again, you roll with it...

Ben: First off, the identity of Gossip Girl is a sweater you really can’t pull any strand off if you don’t want it to come apart entirely. I can say with near certainty there are scenes of Dan alone reacting to Gossip Girl blasts and being shocked that blow up the whole deal—I’m sure bigger fans than me have already located said scenes and are crying foul. But I don’t care if the continuity adds up perfectly here—it’s fucking Gossip Girl—or if the creators had this planned from day one—I doubt it—as long as the emotional payoff and explanation works, and I think it did, big time.

Kiel: I've been meaning to rewatch the Season 1 DVDs that I've got around here to see if there's any way they can justify this ending and say that they "planned it from the beginning" or some such. But until then, I'm going to assume you're 100% right.

Ben: Inverting the entire power structure of the show and making Dan the one who was really in charge all along? Brilliant. It retroactively gives all those schemes particularly from the early seasons where he was left on the outside looking in a renewed punch. I also love the larger message underlining Dan’s speech at Thanksgiving dinner to Serena and really showing what this show is about (not learning a lesson): these people were all horrible to each other, but at the end of the day forgave one another literally anything, so the only way to gain not just acceptance but the sort of unquestioned moral free pass you needed to thrive on the Upper East Side was something like this.

All that aside, I do like that when all is said and done the central conceit of the show was acceptance and gaining power respect and all that, but really a guy trying to get a girl. Was the way he went about getting said girl incredibly creepy and beyond borderline sociopathic? Yes! Absolutely! Was it still kind of sweet? Am I a monster if I say yes? I’m ok with that.

I also don’t think the fact that along the way Dan had relationships with Olivia, Vanessa, Blair, etc. blows anything up, because even if he momentarily lost interest in Serena—as a teenager would—that’s no reason he’d want to give up the intoxicating power of being Gossip Girl.

It was smart of them to cover their bases with the “Jenny knew all along” thing (and made for a hilarious “confrontation” scene demonstrating once and for all how low on the totem pole of respect and relevance Rufus is), but they hammered a little too hard with how Dan shutting down Gossip Girl after Blair and Chuck’s accident made him somehow a good guy; he wasn’t a good guy, but nobody was, so just own it. 

So anyhow, I was thrilled with the Gossip Girl ID. I can’t think of anybody else among the main cast who would have been as satisfying and bringing in somebody from left field would have been fun, but a bit of a cheat.

Kiel: All right. I agree with all of your points in a logistical sense. Dan's reveal made all the right people look foolish and all the the right reasons for his re-acceptance to the crew. I don't mind one iota that his canceling the blog when the car accident happened is a magical forgiveness bullet. I'm down with the "Jenny always knew" thing just because it semi-justifies the way that the characters kept mentioning her once every six weeks for the later seasons when any other show would have just ignored her existence once she was written out. I laughed out loud at the "it's not Dorota" joke.

But what really makes the reveal work is that idea you said about Dan being a monster for hatching a years-long plan to fool this girl into loving him. In anything resembling real life, that's 1000% true. But this is not real life. This is the Upper East Side.

For me, the show has been riding this line for a while where the characters would eventually either err on the side of actual, logical ethical structures (as Blair and Serena often profess to do while making up for the 135th time) or just embrace the evilness of what they are and ride that to its soapy nadir. Is Gossip Girl a series where the pursuit of power and social status is the ultimate moral code? You bet your ass.

I started thinking about this a lot during Season 4 where Sean made the A+ observation on Juliet's reveal as a big villain. She was poor. The poor are the bad guys in this show! For the characters to triumph, they don't have to do what's right. They just have to win the game, and poor people with their petty emotions and sense of fairness never learned to play.

To put it another way, Serena was a goddamned supervillain at the end of last season, and this year they found her out not for revenge but to beg her to rejoin the crew. You follow that through Dan's slow boiling plan of screwing her over so hard that she'd have to respect him (my FAVORITE storyline of the year...and now ultimately the true story of the whole show), and what the writers are showing us is that true happiness for these characters – for this world – is wealth by any means.

And while the reveal feels out of left field in the moment, it feels so right the more you reflect it against any other relationship in the show.

Ben: Speaking of out of left field—those cameos! I love that pics of Katie Cassidy leaked out early so people assumed she’d have a major part in the finale yet Vanessa wouldn’t show up, but instead they both ended up getting the same two-line appearance as Lola and the rest. It maybe would have been nice for them also to get Elizabeth Hurley or Bucky from the Captain America movie (or any of the other male love interests, really), but I was pretty satisfied with what we got. Kristen Bell and out-of-nowhere Rachel Bilson were incredible and made that scene seem more legitimate than it had any right to be; if somebody hasn’t already made a video loop of Kristen’s wink on YouTube yet, there’s your prompt to do so. Nice sneaky touch working in Olivia via Hillary Duff on the playbill for Ivy’s life story in the flash forward as well.

So finally, let’s talk about the flash forward. As already mentioned, the Nate thing was perfect in its sublime ridiculousness. I like that Blair and Chuck had a kid—and named him after Chuck’s French alter ego—because it gave them more substance than the destiny junk. Rufus wearing hipster glasses and being with an un-credited, non-speaking Lisa Loeb is more brilliant than words can express. Eric had a better appearance than Jenny—and I like that he made no effort whatsoever to visually move himself back to that character as opposed to the one he plays on Revenge—and I thought it was pretty BS that she got the “and” in the credits when he’s probably a bigger deal at this point. Lastly, Dan and Serena getting married in Blair’s apartment was ridiculous—I loved it.

Kiel: WOW. You caught so many more of the Easter Eggs than I did! I have it on DVR, so I'll have to go back and rewatch the last ten minutes. I had heard none of the leaks beforehand, so all the cameos were surprising and fun for us. The Bell bit was killer.

But what made me really love the montage into the final ridiculous wedding scene was how every little detail drove home what I was talking about a few paragraphs back. When I saw that Lily and William were still together, I loved it. It confirms everything about the Dan reveal. Ivy Dickens was a poor Florida actress (possibly a graduate of the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks) who also had some serious mental issues in the great "obsessive lover" tradition. But she still did a few decent human things in her arc. She was the only person nice to CeCe at the end and so she won that money for being good. And even though she did awful stuff at the end, it was for a so-called "pure" reason – true love for William. And what did she get for it? William scraped her off like she was dog shit he stepped in at the polo match.

Meanwhile, he and Lily go off to live the end of their romance as ultra wealthy assholes. And even Rufus is just like, "Fuck it! I'll marry Lisa Loeb and be rich!" The ending of that crazy cameo implies is that Rufus learned Dan was right in all this.

Even looking at that last scene in a meta sense supports the triumph of the Upper East Side ethos. Why did Taylor Momsen get a special screen credit when that Eric kid has a better career? Because Taylor Momsen is a fucking name in that ridiculous way that People.com readers kind of care about who she is. All the supporting roles in ABC dramas in the world can't buy Taylor's It Girl cred.

And hey. Pour one out for Georgina Sparks. She may have been a shadow of her former self since sometime around the "I went to Christian Camp" storyline, but never forget that her blowing into town at the end of Season 1 was the thing that galvanized this show's themes. Take a bow, Harriet The Spy.

Ben: The final final scene, with Kristen Bell doing the “you may be rid of Dan Humphrey” narration and then explaining how as long as there are social outsiders there will always be a Gossip Girl felt like a freaking horror movie and was a nice “the characters you love are in their little bubble but the world they live in continues to be terrifying and awful” was the perfect way to end the show and one I never would have guessed.

This was a master class in how to do a series finale, in my opinion, be it ever so humble. Josh Schwartz did a great job on The O.C. with this too, so I’m not surprised. His formula of centering a big current event (the Chuck/Blair wedding or the Cohens moving) while also tying up all the loose ends (Gossip Girl’s identity or the relationship drama) then providing a flash forward so you don’t have to spend time wondering how all the characters ended up is a winner.

Kiel: You may find this random, but this reminded me so much Seinfeld finale. SO much. For years we've been watching these people do horrible and crazy things, and we've been perfectly entertained. Now as one last blast of people they've shit on are paraded in front of us, we realize our worst suspicions about them are totally true. But where Seinfeld reestablishes a normal moral universe at its very end, Gossip Girl revels in the triumph of its subterfuge. In this New York, awful rich people who laugh at a fat guy while he's robbed do not go to jail for a year. They go to a rooftop party where they drink for free, buy drugs from the DJ and embezzle from the host.

Ben: My hat’s off to the folks who created this for an exciting and satisfying finale to a show that wasn’t always good, but never took itself too seriously that I couldn’t at least laugh at it and ultimately taught me nothing.

Kiel: You know you love it.

Ben: XOXO!

But wait! There's more! Coming soon to the Cool Kids Table, the one and only Sean T. Collins joins Ben for an extensive interview on his original Gossip Girl comic, The Secret Origin of Chuck Bass!

XOXO 4 Ever: Ben & Kiel Say Goodbye to Gossip Girl Pt. 1

Gossip Girl was a television series that ran on The CW for six years, finishing up last month. It was primarily aimed at the female demographic, specifically young women.

Ben Morse and Kiel Phegley are grown men.

Here, they discuss the show, the finale and more.

Ben: Before we get into the finale itself, let’s do a brief history lesson. I have watched Gossip Girl from the beginning, and I believe my co-writer here did as well. I got hooked by borrowing the pilot episode from Mel Caylo when we were back at Wizard and watching it with Megan; we both liked it a lot. It was funny how Mel got sent such a random assortment of pilots given that we were ostensibly a comic book magazine; we got stuff like the failed Aquaman show Mercy Reef and the failed Ultra show…Ultra (based on the Luna Brothers book) but then we’d also get stuff like Dirty Sexy Money, Big Shots and Gossip Girl. The super hero stuff or the really schlocky stuff we’d all watch together in the conference room, but if you wanted to watch a teen soap opera, you were bringing that shit home with you.

Kiel: Ha! I recall the Mercy Reef/Ultra double feature at lunch. Mercy Reef was so awkward! I can't believe that Justin Hartley was in it as I look back now fully believing he was one of the best things about late period Smallville. But beyond the repeated hilarity that was repeating Ving Rhames' pronunciation of the name "Ooooo-rin" over and over, it was awful. I don't even think I made it through the Ultra pilot. But back on topic, I too watched Gossip Girl from episode one, though I'm not sure exactly why. It may have had something to do with the fact that we were living in New York at a time with only an antenna for entertainment in the apartment, and The CW was one of the few channels that came in with crystal clarity.

Ben: I don’t know if you already knew about the YA novels before the show?

Kiel: I did in that I knew they existed in a general sense, but beyond a vague understanding of the concept of what my idol M.T. Anderson has called "the modern tween bitch lit series," I knew nothing about the particulars of Cicily Von Zeigler's story.

But oddly, the books did cross paths with my watching of the show in two very distinctive moments that I recall even years later. First is that in advance of the premier, I read the New York Times review of the pilot which heavily referenced the books. As I remember it, they reviewer made the case that the appeal of the books was how the teens drank and screwed and schemed with reckless abandon and that the addition of parents with Rufus and Lily dragged the proceedings down and ruined the show's ability to match the outlandish fantasy nature of the book. We all know how untrue that turned out to be, but it was a cute theory, I guess. You hear a lot in the YA/tween media marketplace about how parents kill the marketability of stories because kids hate reading about adult authority figures in their preferred pop fiction, but I think that's a load of bunk. Parents are a HUGE parts of kids lives and therefore great antagonists in YA.

The second memory I have is of a newscast that ran just after the pilot or one of the first episodes. I don't know if you're aware of this phenomenon, but The CW is rife with that particular brand of corporate synergy where the local newscast is always doing stories about how rad the network's shows are. For example, when Veronica Mars was on, they did a story one night about fans sending Mars Bars to the network heads to stave off its cancelation. With GG, the New York local news did a piece I saw about actual teenagers from the Upper East Side who loved the books and were excited for the show. I remember this mostly because the girls they interviewed raved about how much the books were like their real lives – how the characters went to the same places as they did and acted just like them. And to be blunt, these were kind of nerdy-looking, bookish 14-year-olds. Blair Waldorf they were not.

I guess what I'm saying overall here is that YA books have a tendency to feel VERY real and in the moment to the kids that read them yet very artificial and ridiculous to most adults that encounter them, which is I think what a soap like this goes for in spades.

Ben: I’ve always liked prime time soap operas and I had always been a fan of teen protagonists in other mediums—mainly comics—so Gossip Girl hit for me. I had also gotten into The O.C. late, so I gravitated pretty naturally from one Josh Schwartz show to the other. I remember having lively “debates” with the likes of Rickey and TJ over whether or not Gossip Girl had any intrinsic social value, but I can see now my argument was pretty silly. I would contend that whereas shows like The Real World or Jersey Shore glamorized real people behaving badly and getting paid to do so were hurting society, a show like Gossip Girl that was more of a send up of how ridiculous the idle rich was helped it, but…wow, that sounds even more idiotic when I write it out. The Real World, Jersey Shore and Gossip Girl all have pretty much no redeeming social value, but I found the last one entertaining.

I also watched Melrose Place when I was a good decade younger than the leads and Gossip Girl when I was a good decade older than the leads; I’m sure that says something about me and my fascination with whatever stage in life I’m not at.

Kiel: No, I get what you're saying. There's a definite ironic distancing the show has from reality (or in the case of those other shows, "reality") that sets it apart. That's a huge part of the appeal. I'm not sure that fact always tips the show into the category of art that has something big to say about human existence, but it sure does make it less of a guilty pleasure and more of a pleasure, full stop.

Also, while you mention it, I did want to put in one word about The O.C. Like you, I didn't watch that show from square one. Actually, it started when I was in college, and aside from being a Phantom Planet fan, my only exposure to its start was when I'd mention my comics stuff at a party and have some drunk girl go, "Ooooooh! You're just like Seth from The O.C.!" Eventually, I started watching it after hearing that so much, but by the time I picked it up in Season 3, the show had apparently taken a dive in quality. I get the feeling that show was like other notable nerd flame out Heroes. But I think that experience was a positive for Schwartz and company in that they were (mostly) able to avoid either letting GG get stale or blowing up what worked about it in an attempt to stay relevant like they had with The O.C.

Ben: Ok, enough jibber jabber, we’ve got a finale to take on.

Kiel: Yeah!

Ben: Actually, a little more jibber jabber.

Kiel: Okay!

Ben: Did you catch the one hour recap/farewell special prior to the episode itself? I highly recommend it if you did not. For one thing, it’s fantastic to get a look back at young Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Penn Badgley and Chace Crawford—and by the way Sean T. Collins hit the nail on the head when he immortally noted that every young actor on this show has a more pretentious real name than just about any of their characters—but most of all Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass. Because Chuck has more or less been in a suit for the back half of the show, I forgot all about his ridiculous scarves, red tracksuits and ascots from the early years. Westwick waxes poetic about how much he used to love ascots out of character and it’s hilarious.

Kiel: Jami and I ate that up. We were also shocked to recall what the cast's hair was like in the first season. That they flashed back to short-haired Freshman Dan in the episode was slightly mind-blowing.

Ben: Per Megan, the flashback was the final scene they shot of the entire series because Penn Badgley had to shave his head more or less. Apparently he has super human hair growing abilities, because I saw him from afar when I was going to Subway a couple weeks back and his hair was longer than ever. I also did not approach him because I was starving. In retrospect, I can't imagine he would have wanted to chat for more than 20 seconds, so that was probably a mistake on my part.

All the out of character interviews with the actors are pretty great. Crawford and Badgley both come off as guys you’d want to party with while just hearing Westwick’s heavy as hell British accent is a trip. Blake Lively seems overly excited in a “I am so happy I can finally leave this show” way, but that’s fun too. Kaylee Defer is also pretty unintentionally funny trying to make it seem like she was ever more than a bit player. The only interviews I was let down by were Meester’s, because Blair is probably my favorite character—tied with Dan maybe—and she was just kind of blah.

Kiel: My only real complaint was that they didn't directly address the kind of pro-sleeze stance Gossip Girl has always had. They briefly showed the BRILLIANT poster from Season 2 that was just Serena making an orgasmic face with the quote "Every parent's worst nightmare" on it, but mostly the special was just the producers patting themselves on the back for being culturally relevant by CW standards.

Ben: I was also able to confirm that all those people who showed up for cameos and they made a point to say their full names on camera were indeed fashion, art and New York society people I had never heard of.

Kiel And Sonic Youth one time!

Ben: Ok! The show! I guess it makes sense to start with Chuck and Blair, since as the show went on it really seemed to become about them, and the finale was no exception. I like both characters and their early hook-ups were a lot of fun, but once they became the “destiny couple” of the show, I got a bit bored with the whole thing, because the two chief troublemakers became so defanged every time they were cooing or emoting over how they were meant to be together. That said, as much as I was momentarily fascinated by the Dan/Blair diversion last season, even if I got sick of the destiny stuff, it was hard to ignore, and it was nice they got their happy ending here. I do feel like it didn’t really allow either Leighton Meester or Ed Westwick to truly shine in this final episode because both are more enjoyable to watch when they’re being mean and snarky as opposed to lovey dovey, but oh well.

Kiel: I remember desperately wanting the Blair/Dan hookup to happen and being very pleased when it did. That was the only move in the show that could really shake things up, and in retrospect, Dan's fizzled relationship with Blair was the best catalyst to put him totally on the outs with the gang. It added emotional heft that writing tell-alls didn't.

But you're 100% on that Chuck and Blair were never quite the same, in a bad way, after their relationship was in full swing. The worst arc of this final season was the absurd idea that they made "a pact" to only get together once they'd won their respective society battles. Even by the standards of the wacky rich person fantasy land this show exists in, that was mega contrived.

Ben: I did enjoy the simplicity of “if you two get married, you can’t get convicted for murder” rationale since plans that eschew logic and sense for the sake of providing a splashy event are the backbone of Gossip Girl. I also enjoyed Jack Bass immensely as he’s one of my favorite characters and I’m glad he got such a meaty role in the finale, getting to deliver all the obnoxious lines everybody else was too busy worrying to get in there. His “room service” entrance with “I’ve got some bad news…Bart is dead” was great, although he was holding that tray really oddly. I also enjoyed “I had cameras installed back when I still hated you.”

Kiel: Jack Bass 4 Lyfe! The series best pseudo-villain by far.

Ben: Was it ultimately a bit unsatisfying that Chuck didn’t really best his father after spending the whole season trying and instead just let him fall to his death? Eh. Lily getting the line about just reusing the stuff from the first funeral made Bart’s brief resurrection all worth it (actually, he was a pretty good villain in general, it’s just too bad they killed him rather than defeating him).

The wedding itself was nice. Wallace Shawn rushing through the vows was a delight. I don’t really know if Blair’s dress was ugly or not.

Kiel: Neither Jami nor I have any real barometer for whether the fashion on the show is good looking or not. This gets especially confusing when they're telling us the fashion is supposed to be horrendous and/or brilliant as they did all over with Blair's designs this season. But otherwise, yes, I agree with everything you're laying down.

Ben: Getting back to Lily briefly, this was a good season for her as it got her away from the toxic bore of a relationship with Rufus and back to being the bitchy socialite the show needed. Everybody on Gossip Girl is pretty good with the art of the putdown line, but as a Melrose Place vet, Kelly Rutherford is certainly the old pro. I’m fine with her ending up with William both because it allowed for the return of scene-chewing Billy Baldwin—who has become an almost eerie parody of his brother Alec at this point—one last time and him getting the great slam on Ivy about how a Lifetime movie about her would be called Nobody Gives a Damn (for the record, I thought Ivy had a lot of potential when they introduced her as Serena’s fake cousin, and I actually like Kaylee Defer, but no character got used more poorly).

Kiel: Okay, I've got a lot of opinions here. For one, Lily as a character is someone that whipsawed around all over the place for me. I'm down with her being the archetypal mega-bitch of the Upper West Side in a general sense, but the idea of her softening from that position had the potential to be a worthwhile character arc. The whole purpose of the character in the early seasons was that she had once been a grungy (i.e. poor) groupie of Rufus and that said youthful romance was the missed love of her life. Yes, predictable but also a perfectly fine storyline for the C-characters that are the parents on this show. And you're right. Her and Rufus as a married couple was flat as shit.

On the other hand, there were things I really liked about Lily's conversion from queen of her generation of gossip girls into halfway decent human being. I ADORED her relationship with Chuck over the years. The fact that we never got any dramatic closure with Chuck's real mother was fine by me because Lily filled that role in such an unexpected and believable way. All that made it only that much more bizarre when the writers would have Lily throw her own daughter under the fucking bus just to ratchet up the soapy drama.

On the gripping hand, her ending up with William was the most unexpected and hilarious scene of the entire finale, so I was all good with it. You're right that Ivy was maybe most intriguing in that first season when she went ape shit psycho on Nate and Serena at the eleventh hour, but I enjoyed her role throughout the show from the poor little rich girl we'd normally sympathize with but had to hate on through to her slutting it up with Rufus to make his arc worthwhile this season. In the end, what happened between her, Lily and William in the last scene of the finale is probably the biggest piece of evidence to support my "Grand Theory of Gossip Girl," but I'll save that for the end. Proceed with our next topic, sir!

Ben: No character on this show won me over more over the course of six seasons than Nate Archibald. He was unbearable for the first two or so—remember his life-sucking relationship with Vanessa?—but then over the summer before season three, Chace Crawford both learned how to act and decided to say “fuck it, they’re always going to give me the most ridiculous storylines on this show, let’s rock.” The whole 22-year-old trust fund kid who didn’t stay in college more than a semester—the greatest mystery in the Gossip Girl world is, of course, not GG’s identity but rather how they all opted out of school as freshmen and it never got mentioned again—and who has never demonstrated any aptitude for anything running a successful magazine plotlines was a keeper because you could see in Crawford’s steely blue eyes that he fully recognized it’s absurdity and was going to run with it. Similarly, Sage was an awful character, but because she was with Nate, it made everything ok. To once again quote Sean T. Collins: “You’re too beautiful for this world, Nate Archibald.”

Kiel Jami fucking HATED Sage. There was not one episode this season where I didn't hear her complain about that girl at least twice. And justifiably so! She was the latest in a string of characters nowhere near good enough for Nate. It's ironic in the grandest sense how at the start of the series, Nate was the hot rich boy all the girls wanted to bone and/or marry, but as soon as he became cool enough to earn that status, all the main characters stopped trying to get with him. Bizarre to the max.

Ben: And not to skip ahead, but 27-year old Nate Archibald is the leading candidate in New York’s mayoral race? And presumably still hasn’t earned a college degree?! There are five years of fantastic Nate stumbling upward storylines awaiting a spinoff, people!

Kiel I would watch his spinoff series AND vote for him.

To be continued later this week, as Ben and Kiel continue to throw their self-respect to the wind, gushing over Dan and Serena, gasping at the reveal of Gossip Girl and much more!

Ben & Jordan Watch Bachelor Pad: Finale

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watched and blogged about Games of Thrones this past season to the thrill of perhaps a dozen.

For years Jordan has been trying to sell Ben, who has never watched an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, to watch Bachelor Pad. Despite their youthful enjoyment of reality romance classics like Temptation Island and Paradise Hotel, Ben was skeptical, but decided to go for it.

Bear wit to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Mark L. Wahlberg as they try and bring some much needed dignity to these people’s search for love/money/fame/a place to crash for a few weeks.

Bachelor Pad Episode 8: Finale

Jordan: The thing I love about Bachelor Pad is they don’t even bother with playing out the final episode at the house. They just chuck everyone into a studio audience full of housewives…the reality show equivalent of throwing them to the wolves. Already housewives are shaking their head at the mere mention of Chris. I’m anticipating lots and lots of head shakes in this finale.

Ben: And what I love is how over the past eight weeks you have continually referred to the entire viewing audience of Bachelor Pad to “housewives."

And yeah, them being in a studio right off the bat rather than at the house caught me by surprise, but I dig it. I don’t need 20 minute packing montages set to Sarah McLaughlin and the three way “We’re awesome!” slow-mo high five between Chris, Nick and Sarah while Chris Harrison collected Rachel’s tears in a bloodstone-adorned goblet in the background to end episode 7 was an appropriate sendoff for the house anyhow.

Jordan: Chris Harrison introduces everyone in a smarmy way, making it seem like one happy family…in no way hinting at the pile of drama and sadness that will greet them in this final episode. While watching The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad is fun, it’s this final episode that really does it for me every time. It’s just so, so fun to watch these people tear each other apart while Chris Harrison cackles maniacally in the background.

Ben: Thank you for coming clean about watching the other non-Bachelor Pad shows after swearing to me you didn’t before we started this. It only took two months, but I’m proud of you.

Jordan: I must mention that I love that they introduce the one guy as “SWAT”. He has no name.

Ben: To be fair, his name is Chris, and they’ve already got two of those, so since he’s not a soulless, vacuous soldier of evil with a knack for hosting or a half-asleep douche bag who can’t spell “heart,” he gets the short straw.

Jordan: The contestants watch the recaps. You can see form their wide grins and laughter that they don’t mind having their images dragged through the mud and have absolutely no shame for anything they have done. I love them.

Ben: They showed Ed through 75% of this sequence, which was absolutely the right call. It was interesting how they completely glossed over the early drama with the twins, and by “interesting” I mean they found out they were on Jersey Shore. I was surprised they were at this taping, but I guess not having them there would have just drawn more attention.

Actually, the real notable exclusion was Reid, since his weirdness and inept plotting fueled the first three or four episodes, and then they never got into his stuff with Ed later, but it’s a spoil of riches I suppose.

Jordan: We learn Kalon and Lindzi are still together. Lindzi calls Kalon “sweet”, and somehow Erica Rose is the wise one who tells Lindzi to “be careful.” Erica Rose then bravely calls Kalon out for being out on a date at a movie with another woman. My one regret this season was that we weren’t treated to more of the kooky craziness that is Erica Rose. But alas, this was such a spectacular season that even her antics were lost in the shuffle.

Ben: You have to figure Lindzi knew what she was getting with Kalon, no matter how nice he was in the week they spent together—yeah, I’m going there early and often, get ready—but who knows.

A little Erica Rose went a long way. She didn’t need to be on any longer than she was.

Jordan: Next Michael comes to speak with Chris Harrison. Michael does his likeable “I can’t believe I made it past the first or second week” shtick, and then we are treated to a montage of him ripping Rachel’s heart out of her chest. It’s like a Mortal Kombat-esque rip of the heart as he says he has no intention of dating her out of the house. Then, elsewhere in the montage he is exposed as a bit of a dark puppet master, with evil sounding music underscoring it. By the way, an angel gets its wings every time Michael says, “This is a little bit devilish,” which is very ironic.

Ben: This was a bit of a testament to how much of this show is shaped by editing, as obviously if that clip where Michael told Erica he had no intention of dating Rachel post-show had aired during the actual season, his image would have irrevocably altered, but they saved it for here.

Jordan: The montage ends and IMMEDIATELY Michael goes into damage control saying he apologizes for his actions to Erica Rose. Michael then says he didn’t want to be with Rachel and his eyebrows extend wayyyyyyyy above his head as he tries very hard to do the “Hey, guys! I’m just an honest guy over here” look. Jaclyn tears into him and the audience housewives react by shaking their head yet again, which is like getting the guillotine on this show. On a side note, “Housewife head shakes” is also the first single off of Ben and my new album.

Ben: THE BULK OF THIS AUDIENCE IS IN THEIR EARLY TWENTIES! COME BACK FROM PLEASANTVILLE!

Yeah…Michael looked pretty bad coming out of this, no two ways about it. I still think he was wonderfully entertaining and charismatic during his stint on the show, but his “nice guy” image is pretty well-shattered. I’m not saying he’s a monster, and again, there really is no telling how much editing played a role here, but at the end of the day, that clip at the wax museum where he point blank tells Rachel not to worry about falling in love with him is pretty damning. I would have had more respect for him if he had copped here to playing the game not unlike Kalon did at pretty much every opportunity, but that he tried to weasel his way out of it and still come off smelling like roses made him seem like a weasel.

That said I would still love his new album for Christmas. I will listen to it while I work out, both physically and emotionally.

Jordan: Jaclyn gets a montage, which signifies she has made it into the hallowed pantheon of popular Bachelor Pad contestants and will likely be on future seasons. After she watches, fiery Jaclyn and her ugly mug lash out at anything and everyone, especially Rachel. She is entertaining, but the sorest loser I have ever seen and there are MANY sore losers on reality shows. Thus, in conclusion, she has come a long way since her days at Ben’s sister’s high school, but “long way” probably means “less respected” now that I think about it.

Ben: We both went to that high school, mister, and I’m pretty sure she’s maintained an even keel as far as both self-respect and that she receives from her peers.

There was no more laughable bit this entire episode than Jaclyn making the absurd statement that she was the “true puppet master” of the house. Her most strategic move was continuing to sleep with Ed after he gave his masterful “For the good of our team” speech. I’m pretty sure she would be outsmarted by actual puppets. Or Muppets.

Jordan: Next is Blakeley’s montage o’ crying/freaking out. In the montage, Tony does the “what has two thumbs, an incredibly hot girl by his side, and feels like he just won Bachelor Pad? THIS GUY!” Anyone who knows me knows I have a soft spot for this incredibly stupid joke, so Tony just won me over big time. Way to go out on a high note, Tony.

Ben: As the person who introduced you to that joke, I could not be more ashamed and embarrassed. As the person who introduced me to that joke, Alex Verdaguer just had a vein in his head burst somewhere (don’t worry, he’s fine, he does CrossFit).

Jordan: Blakeley, Jaclyn, and Native American Pocahontas headdress-wearer Jamie start arguing. It’s very fun to watch, with Blakeley and Jaclyn coming off as cold bitches, while Jamie comes off as a social awkward mental patient. Chris Harrison watches them fight, rubs his hands together, and subsequently laughs over their smoldering corpses. Their hate gives him strength.

Ben: What impressed me about Jamie is the amount of effort she puts into looking terrible. She’s a very pretty girl, and an ugly dress or hideous earrings alone would not be enough to fight against nature, so she brings out the kind of gold chain head adornment the love child of Cleopatra and James Brown would say “too much” to and complements that with what appear to be rhinestone tear drop facial tattoos. That is effort.

Jordan: Blakeley starts crying about how in love with Tony she is. Chris Harrison keeps hinting at something, which makes it sound like a Tony proposal is waiting in the wings.

Ben: I liked how when Blakeley questioned why she didn’t notice Tony during the first half of the season, he did this pantomime of how he was watching her from behind fences and around corners, like the creepiest stalker who ever stalked. Superfan Donna took a break from not saying anything to think he’s a weirdo.

Jordan: They even continue talking to Blakeley after the commercial break. My wife observes, “Tony looks a lot better when he is not beet red and sweating all over himself.” This lack of sweat leads me to believe they are going to announce they are engaged even more. Tony then…pulls the rug under me by saying, “We are moving in together!” Typical Tony…underperforming at every turn.

Ben: Tony’s son breathes a sigh of relief.

Jordan: Wait…he may be proposing as I write this. Tony is once again sweating and stammering. Blakeley is wigging out. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. HE’S DOING IT! HE PROPOSED! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! (sorry I default to Howard Cosell calling that famous Muhammad Ali fight whenever I get excited).

Ben: Tony’s son watches whatever was left of his childhood innocence burn on a pyre ignited by Chris Harrison.

Seriously, how lucky is this kid to not only get to watch his dad come off as a pervy loser on national television, but as bonus get a stepmom who spent the four days before her and his old man’s three day courtship pining over another guy and threatening to donkey punch multiple people in the throat? At age 13, Chris Harrison shows up to collect this kid to “fulfill his dark destiny,” just you wait.

And c’mon, man, at least Google how to spell Muhammad Ali’s name correctly!

Jordan: Now that is over with, let’s see the four remaining contestants! Nick enters, tan as Djimon Hounsou.

Ben: AMAZING REFERENCE!

Jordan: Rachel enters looking as gaunt and weathered as the tree that threw apples at Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Chris enters sneering with that familiar “I’m hot shit” expression. Sarah enters with a grin and hyper, hyper, crazy eyes. Aw, the gang hasn’t changed one bit.

Ben: You know how when they do the finales of Survivor—or at least did the two seasons I watched—it’s crazy because you get to see how all the contestants look when they’re not malnourished and living in the sun 24/7? Obviously for the most part that wasn’t the case here since Bachelor Pad lasted two weeks and they were all living in a mansion, but I swear, Chris looks like he somehow got access to a razor for the first time since the show started and ate enough to put on about five pounds of weight in his face between last week’s episode and this one.

Jordan: Rachel starts by looking at Michael, saying “there is some relationship stuff that needs to be discussed.” Chris Harrison jumps right in and says, “SAY IT!” Mark L. Wahlberg would be proud of Chris Harrison’s Satanic eagerness to create conflict. He has learned from the master.

Rachel says directly to Michael that he essentially is a cockface who slept with her and abandoned her. Michael’s eyebrows raise to the height of the Empire State Building with mock eagerness and says he is sorry but he just wasn’t in love. Nick sits there awkwardly, staring at the floor. I feel bad for him, not even getting two seconds of screen time on his own damn final episode. I want him to just team up with Chris Harrison and just take the money on an epic buddy trip to Vegas while these people argue over their petty romances.

Ben: I’d rather he team up with one of the other contestants who hasn’t gotten to say a word this entire reunion, like maybe Ryan, whose sole moment on the episode came from Jamie sneeringly noting how she didn’t want to partner with him and everybody else laughing like he wasn’t in the room.

Jordan: Rachel continues to drag Michael down, housewives in the audience shaking their heads so much their heads are just spinning like The Exorcist. Rachel breaks into tears. Nick stares his only friends in the studio, his shoelaces.

Nick then speaks! He speaks! He says he wanted to fly under the radar, and he actually needs the money so he didn’t want to get involved with any drama or anything stupid. The obvious segue way buzzwords of “drama” and “stupid” brings the attention on to Chris. Chris then uses the opportunity to apologize for all of his bad behavior on the show, the same thing chipmunk-voiced Casey did last season of Bachelor Pad (right down to the same “my father said that’s not how he raised me” line). Ugh, I can’t stand this guy…even his apologies are strategic and contrived.

Ben: Yeah, again, he could take a cue from Kalon, who lied as much as he ever did, but would admit it as soon as it was strategically safe to do so, and not apologize because it’s part of the fucking game. I get that Chris wants to win the quarter million here, but dude, even though you’re dealing with a group that would likely lose a spelling bee to a studio audience at a Barney taping, they’re not going to forget you were an utter turdbag like three weeks ago just because your dad took you out behind the woodshed.

Incidentally, there was a small part of me that hoped at this point Chris would win and then smarmily reveal his parents had been dead for years.

Jordan: It’s question time! Time to have everyone shred each other! Rachel apologizes to Jaclyn, causing one more disgusting bitter beer face out of Jaclyn (we knew there would be one). Chris then says he regrets nothing in regards to Blakeley, obviously showing his regretful speech earlier was fake. He then starts shouting at Jamie that he is sorry, getting visibly angry at her. Lastly, Chris says, “don’t vote for me…vote for Sarah” in one last horrendously pathetic attempt for votes. Rachel and Nick should kiss Chris right now for the grave he is digging himself.

Ben: I loved how superfan Paige, who got voted out the first week, tried to interject herself into the argument at one point only for Jamie and Jaclyn to shoot daggers from their eyes at her. I also liked how Bing Crosby made a cameo to compliment Chris on playing the game because he’s a deranged lunatic who sees people as chess pieces and has never experienced true emotion.

Jordan: Time to vote!

Ben: How excited was Chris Harrison to bust out that “Remember twins, as always, your vote counts as one” line? How long did it take for the twins to realize where they were?

Jordan: The final tally? 50,000 votes for Nick and Rachel, and 3 votes for Chris and Sarah from the crazy/game obsessed people in the house (Kalon, Erica Rose, and Bing Crosby). Jaclyn casts the winning vote to Rachel and Nick, and all is happy in the world. Yay! Rainbows and sunshine!

...I can’t believe it will end this way. Every season of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette end in some sort of awkwardly entertaining heartbreak or anger, and Bachelor Pad was way too atypically happy an ending last year. Nay, on the hell on earth that is Bachelor Pad, where only sadness and despair prosper, there is still hope for an entertainingly devastating ending! BWAHAHAHAH! I now realize I may have painted myself into a corner with that last sentence, setting up for a letdown if this ends happily. Shit.

The awesomely evil twist from last season comes with the “relationship test,” with the winning duo electing to either keep or share the money with each other. I am so, so hoping Nick fucks over Rachel here as it would be the coolest thing in history. I can’t imagine Rachel saying “Keep”…so I’m depending on Nick to go berserk and just swing his tan dong in the faces of everything television holds sacred. Do it, Nick. Do it. Do it!!

Ben: One, I think you’re elevating Bachelor Pad waaaaaay above its place in the annals of pop culture with that “everything television holds sacred” line. Two, how much time do you think they spent filming those cutaways of Nick and Rachel doing Thinker poses in their deliberation rooms? Three, could Jaclyn and company have been any bitchier to SWAT when he suggested Nick should keep the money and they tore into how he “doesn’t understand” because he wasn’t there long enough to form “real” relationships like they were over their two weeks?

Jordan: While the duo vote in their sound-proof booths, everyone in the cast bashes Nick, saying he has to realize he rode everyone’s coattails to get where he got. Absolutely no credit to him for actually staying drama-free and off of the cameras for his own benefit. DON’T LISTEN TO THE HEATHENS, NICK! KEEP THE MONEY! TURN TO THE DARKSIDE!

Ben: Again, Jaclyn was the loudest voice here, proving herself an even bigger sore loser and also smart as hell because she is going to be on this show for the next ten seasons if she so desires.

Jordan: Here we go. Chris Harrison, stoke the flames of evil with your mind.

Rachel reveals her card first: She chooses…SHARE! Big whoop. She smiles, pleased and smelling that sweet money coming to her. Chris Harrison is visibly displeased at the show ending this way again.

Ben: She could not have been more condescending with her “I suffered so much to get here…oh yeah, and I had a partner too” speech. She may as well have patted Nick on the head and given him a biscuit.

Jordan: Nick, take this home. TAKE IT!!!

Nick’s turn to reveal his card. Here we go.

Wait. Waitwaitwait. Something is happening. What I am seeing as I write this may stand as one of the greatest speeches in the history of television. Nick is detailing how no one in the entire game wanted to be with him. No one believed in him. They all mocked him, behind his back and to his face. Rachel, above all, didn’t ever want to be on a team with him. She kept saying she wanted be with Michael instead of him, right down to the final competition. Nick says he did this, from day one, by himself. And then….oh my GODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!! NICK KEEPS THE MONEY! HE KEEPS THE MOTHERFUCKING MONEY! AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!! Nick says to all of the contestants that they all wanted all of the money, he just stood up and took it. GENIUS! SHEER GENIUS! Kalon and Chris even applaud and congratulate Nick, saying he deserved it. I am FLOORED. I am completely and utterly floored. The audience loves it, I love it, I am SURE Ben loves it. BEST ENDING EVER!

Ben: Indeed, this was perhaps the greatest ending to a reality TV show I have ever witnessed.

You may remember early on in this blog, I talked about how on shows like these I either pull for the nicest possible people or the worst. Once upon a time I loved the ending of Survivor season two where nice guy Colby sacrificed his chance at winning to do the right thing. This was leagues better because Nick basically gave a full-on super villain speech, but he was also 100% right about each and every point and was completely justified in his behavior and decision. The traditional paradigm would say he’s a gigantic cock for doing this to poor Rachel, but you can see how the audience fucking LOVED him for it. He basically shattered reality TV, and again, his speech was AMAZING.

Two quick non-Nick points:

First, that almost immediately after Nick announced his decision, SWAT fucking ran up to give him a hug. After the shit that Jaclyn and friends had given that dude a few minutes earlier, I felt GREAT about that.

Second, as much as Nick deserves credit for being the greatest man alive here, my absolute favorite moment of the entire season and perhaps in reality TV history came when after his spiel Jaclyn and Rachel were bitching about how he didn’t “deserve” this and fucking Kalon shot them right the hell down with the classic “None of us DESERVE anything! Do you understand what that word means? We’re lucky to have the privilege of being on this show!” PREACH ON, BROTHER KALON.

I now revise my earlier request for a Nick-Ryan buddy movie to a Nick-Kalon bad cop-worse cop show with SWAT as the rookie on the force and Ed as the drunken commish.

Jordan: Weirdly, after many Rachel tears and Chris Harrison smiling wider than any human possibly can smile, Nick just stands up and walks off of the stage before Chris Harrison is even done talking. The cast is floored, not believing what they are seeing. Rachel chases after Nick and starts screaming at him. Nick calmly stands up for himself, saying he did what any rational person in a house full of people who didn’t care if he lived or died would do…all amidst Rachel calling him pathetic. Nick then leaves, gets in a limo, and the show closes with the best line possible. Nick, smiling to the camera: “B.P.3…ANYTHING GOES!!” WOOO HOOOO! I am still FLOORED! It is 1am as I write this and I KNOW I won’t be able to sleep tonight. My adrenaline is off the charts!!!! NICK!!!! YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!

Ben: I like to imagine the police finding the park across the street from you transformed into a hot sludge fundae and being baffled as to why.

I do feel bad for Rachel. Her life is awful. She got dumped, she lost a friend, she got dumped again (more or less), she regained that friend (who is awful) then she lost a quarter (or I guess an eighth) of a million dollars. She had every right to be upset and manic. On the bright side, I would hazard she will definitely be an upcoming Bachelorette if ABC likes money.

But everything Nick did was so very right. The foundation of reality television has always been people lying, whether it’s to form alliances during the show, or to come off as characters afterward. Near as I can tell, Nick was himself all through the show, then gave convention the finger in the end, not caring how he’ll be perceived by the fans because he “turned” on these jerks he spent a couple weeks with and taking the money.

The beautiful, beautiful irony was that the fans loved him more than they ever would have had he shared the money. It brought a tear to my eye.

Jordan: The show ends in the most magnificent way possible, with a montage of people throughout the course of the show saying bad stuff behind Nick’s back, making fun of him. He showed them all. And now he is $250,000 richer. God bless him. I am so, so happy right now. Every time I watched a reality show, I would always be confused by the people on the show who felt so “connected to each other” even after only knowing each other for a week or less. Nick just showed me that if you need the money enough, you can stay focused enough to put aside public expectations for what you privately think is right. He is a strong man. A strong, sun burnt, “dying of skin cancer as I write this” man.

Ben: If I can maintain the enthusiasm, I’m going to try and put together my own “montage” of all the insults we levied Nick’s way while we were writing these.

Jordan: And thus we come to the close another chapter of Bachelor Pad, and I have to say it has been an immense pleasure writing with my best bud Mr. Benjamin Morse. The list of lessons we learned from this season are long, but the chief one I learned was this: The next time you see someone pass you on the street with an immense, painful sunburn…do not laugh at them. With the help of one Chris Harrison, that same sunburned person could one day gain the power to ensnare your soul and steal all of your money. Laugh at their sunburn and THEN push them down a manhole. Protect yourselves, people.

Ben: Only the strong survive.

This was an unexpected delight and I am forever grateful you basically forced me to watch and blog about it with you. I feel enriched. I also feel we are far more suited to writing about reality dating shows than stuff than epic drama that gets nominated for Emmys, so there’s one more lesson learned. And I would not have wanted to learn it with anybody else, pal.

Jordan: Goodnight, one and all, and see you for B.P.4!!!!

Ben & Jordan Watch Bachelor Pad: Episode 7

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watched and blogged about Games of Thrones this past season to the thrill of perhaps a dozen.

For years Jordan has been trying to sell Ben, who has never watched an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, to watch Bachelor Pad. Despite their youthful enjoyment of reality romance classics like Temptation Island and Paradise Hotel, Ben was skeptical, but decided to go for it.

Bear wit to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Mark L. Wahlberg as they try and bring some much needed dignity to these people’s search for love/money/fame/a place to crash for a few weeks.

Bachelor Pad Episode 7: “Mighty Morphin’ Power Night Ranger”

Jordan: A camera slowly descends upon a large hamlet, nestled in the California hills. It is here, that our fateful tale continues. Was it love that brought the six inside the manse together? Perhaps a lust for adventure. Or maybe…just maybe…it was the Chlamydia. Either way, the Bachelor Pad cometh once again.

Ben: I don’t think the market for an Edgar Allen Poe-themed reality dating show has ever really been tapped into. John Cusack could host and it would be a financial and critical flop.

Jordan: The show opens with Rachel whining about missing Michael and Nick’s red face causing the Mars lander to crash upon it. Thus, right where we left off.

Chris Harrison pops onscreen with a pretty blue shirt that really brings out the shine in his forehead horns. He then surprises the guests by saying ONE COUPLE WILL BE LEAVING AT THE END OF THIS COMPETITION! If I am on a reality show and want screen time, I will just have wide eyes and mouth agape at every asinine announcement...even the "welcome to bachelor pad" one.

Ben: See I would go the other direction and just yawn or roll my eyes every time a twist was announced. Even if the producers hated me, I’d still make it further than Ryan.

Jordan: Tony says he is doing this for his son, with absolutely no context or point. The stakes are bringing the best out of these one-note characters.

Ben: Wouldn’t it be great if Tony is actually child-less and “my son” is his nickname for his penis?

I obviously have very little left to say about Tony.

Competition: Hanging from a Trapeze!

Jordan: The competition starts with Ed saying, “What IS this?!” no less than 70 times, evoking virtually every scene from Lost.

Ben: Holy crap, you’re totally right! Man, the more I think about it, Bachelor Pad may hold all the answers we never got from Lost given all the parallels—think about it! Much like Kate, Chris hops from one romance to the other but really wants to blow up his house. Much like Michael, Tony is doing everything for his son and will not win anything. Much like Sun, Rachel is separated from her true love and will probably become a ruthless corporate raider. Much like Jack, Ed has a drinking problem. Much like the smoke monster, Chris Harrison is the devil.

IT ALL FINALLY MAKES SENSE! The island really was purgatory—and Bachelor Pad is hell!

Jordan: Chris Harrison says this competition is a trapeze thingy, which is equal parts brains and brawn. Unfortunately it just so happens that these two traits are Blakeley’s only weaknesses. The shocker? The winner who wins gets to pick the couple that who goes home. I am pumped.

Ben: To further explain for those of you who inexplicably don’t watch the show but read our blog—thanks!—one partner had to hang on a trapeze while the other answered questions about the show. Every time anybody got a question wrong, their partner’s trapeze lost a support, until eventually they were just hanging by a bar.

Much was made of the fact that three of the guys went on the trapeze but Rachel insisted Nick answer questions, which led to him showing off his guns and wondering why she wanted to utilized his smarts over his muscles. However, as a little dude who has observed plenty of larger fellows trying to do pull-ups over the years, I’d argue that Nick’s muscle mass would work against him in trying to hang on. I’m no scientist, people, but I know how physics works!

Jordan: First question...Who is the first girl in a bikini this season? Donna the slut! Woo, this game is going to be fun.

Which person is from the earliest season?...Aka, who is the oldest, crustiest, saddest person…Erica Rose, of course! Haha, I am very much enjoying myself watching this.

Which woman did not compete in the Falling for Love competition? Erica, the twin! Wow, I didn’t even know they had names.

Ben: Megan got this one before me. I was just flashing back to Nick immediately falling out of that heart-shaped container and congratulating myself on the physics observation I knew I’d make over a week later in this blog.

Jordan: Who was David’s partner before the switch? It's Jamie, an answer I actually remembered and yelled at the screen. I am ashamed I remembered this, much less shouted it proudly. Blakeley guesses wrong and Tony hangs for dear life…FOR HIS DEAR SON!

Ben: Remember that joke I made about Tony’s son earlier? How funny is it now! You’re all welcome.

Jordan: Who took their top off in the pool first on Bachelor Pad? Hmmm...I ask my wife “who was that blonde slut girl on the first season? Natalie?” This, of course, is the answer. Gotta love them sluts.

Anyhoo, long story short Sarah and Chris win. Sarah appears on brain-centric competitions to be
VERY smart…despite sleeping with Ed…and she carries Chris along.

Ben: Knowing the answers to Bachelor Pad trivia equals VERY smart for you? Our alma mater would be ashamed.

Jordan: Oh, by the way, this competition is NO parts brawn because it’s IMPOSSIBLE for these hung-over contestants to hang while the cameramen reset the tapes in their cameras and Chris Harrison asks when he can leave to return to fly his collection of zeppelins.

Someone Going Home! Part One!

Jordan: Chris and Sarah contemplate who to send home. Blakeley melts down hardcore. It’s hilarious and over the top, just the way it was meant to be. Tony says he is doing all of this for the betterment of mankind and will donate the money to charity if he wins. JUST KIDDING, he says he is doing it all for his good-for-nothing son. Hey, message to Tony’s son: Compete in your OWN damn competition if you want any money. I don’t care if you are 3 years old. Quit being such a freeloader. Your dad sells lumber, so he has enough to worry about without making money for your sorry ass.

Ben: This is my favorite of your rants this season to date. It also comes close to asking the relevant question of what a generation of children raised by the contestants on reality shows will perceive in regards to “real” jobs.

We don’t shy away from the heavy stuff here.

Jordan: It must be mentioned that during all of this tension Rachel reveals quite shockingly what appears to be a rockin’ bod.

Ben: Never mind my previous attempt to elevate us.

Jordan: Like, it's eye opening and head scratching. Michael was onto something that none of us saw. None of us in the world. I feel quite comfortable saying that not one person in the entire solar system could have seen this coming. Michael, kudos to you. It’s sad you had to die. By the way, I assume all of the people voted off are swiftly killed and ground into roses for next season. It’s what gives those roses such power.

Ben: I know you’re joking, but the fact that you used last season’s winner to fuel said joke and thus reminded me of the existence of Erica Rose, another season two vet, really kills its internal continuity out of the gate.

Jordan: Chris votes off Blakeley, Tony, and Tony’s son. Blakeley freaks out and cries as if her world is crashing down. I suspect that this show was all she had in the world.

On a rare serious note, it is quite sad to see people like David (Bing Crosby) and Blakeley so broken up when they leave because their actual lives are such garbage. I hope their lives improve. I really do. (Sees Blakeley kiss Tony and say she is happy to continue a relationship with him off of the show) Well, there goes that whole ‘life improving’ thing.

Ben: That limo ride was super awkward to watch as Tony sunk his hand into Blakeley’s leg like she was the prize gazelle he took home from a hunting trip where he hit nothing and Chris wounded dozens of defenseless animals to be snatched up by lesser men. There was totally a moment of realization that you could see in Blakeley’s eyes that the cameras would shut off soon and she would still be in a car with this dweeb.

Jordan: Chris Harrison shows up in a spectacular blue blazer, made out of the souls of a hundred kittens, and says it's time for the next competition. They have to all get into a car to get there. In my mind’s eye, at each step…from getting to the door, to leaving, to seeing the car, to getting into the car, to traveling…Ed stops and says dramatically, “What IS this?!”

Second Competition: Awful, Awful Singing

Jordan: Chris Harrison brings the contestants to see Night Ranger…and Ed solidifies himself as my choice to win by calling it “a dream come true.” Chris acts bored and the others stare blankly, but Ed is grinning ear to ear and seems ready to jump onstage and crowd surf. Chris Harrison tells the contestants they will all be singing “Sister Christian” and Night Ranger will be judging. I feel like if this competition doesn’t make Ben a lifelong Bachelor Pad fan, nothing will.

Ben: It was a roller coaster ride of being super excited to see Night Ranger on Bachelor Pad, feeling sad that Night Ranger was on Bachelor Pad, remembering that Night Ranger really only had one hit and haven’t been relevant since 1984 aside from on my Monster Ballads comp and thus hitting a nice plateau of contentment.

Jaclyn pretending to have any idea who the fuck Night Ranger is was an affront to all that is good.

Jordan: Chris Harrison has a comical aside where he tells Night Ranger the contestants will be terrible. I wish we saw more of these Chris Harrison moments, because between this and how evil he acts on the “After the final rose ceremonies,” you KNOW he hates each and every one of the people on this show.

Ben: Oh Jordan, it doesn’t end there, Chris Harrison hates all of humanity; he is all our negative energy given form and tasked with bringing forth Armageddon through reality TV.

Jordan: The contestants all work with voice coaches and it is obvious immediately this is going to be a train wreck. Ed and Jaclyn appear to be especially awful, which is saying something. Chris and Sarah sound like Coldplay to me, which is to say they sound whiny, off-tune, and like horseshit. They aren’t showing Nick practicing at all, which leads me to believe he is actually good and they are saving it. Rachel sounds like Tom Waits, who I guess is a singer, so they are my picks.

Ben: Megan had a similar “They’re not showing Nick, he’s going to be amazing” theory going.

When they introduced all the coaches as being from Glee, I shook my fist at the air at that show’s ability to continue ruining hair metal songs for me long after I vowed never to watch it again.

Jordan: Before the competition, the show does a funny montage of animals fleeing while everyone sings the “Sister Christian” song. At this exact moment my wife Chloe stands up and leaves the room without a sound. I am amazed the singing actually made her leave. She later informs me she left because had to use the restroom. This makes more sense, as the sound of Ed singing makes me have to pee too.

Ben: I chuckled when you called it “the Sister Christian song” like a confused old man.

Also, Chloe just got up without informing you why she was interrupting the show? The nerve!

Jordan: It’s competition time! At this point I am rooting for anyone but Chris. Last season a jackass won in that bearded guy whose name I forget, so I want someone I like to win this time around. Here we go!

Ben: Who do you still like?! Oh wait, I’m writing this thing three days after you sent me this e-mail, you can’t respond. Also, I know the answer is Ed, I’m just having fun while hoping Kalon somehow gets thrown in last minute singing “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

Jordan: First up are Nick and Rachel. Rachel starts out the song and sounds like a balloon that is slowly having air wheeze out of it, squeaking wildly…but she's on key at least. Nick actually sounds quite good and struts about the stage like a rock star. I greatly enjoy their performance, especially since they don’t show much of Rachel’s singing. I’m guessing in that shrieking mass of fans, Michael is watching in disguise and is quietly rooting on his girl while wearing a blonde wig and lipstick.

Ben: I thought Rachel was going to be way better than she was. She did LOOK like a rock star from the 80’s though, more so than any of the others, for whatever that’s worth (nothing). I can’t even remember Nick’s voice, but he definitely ran around with the manic energy only a guy who didn’t realize he was on the show until six weeks in and now stands to win a quarter of a million dollars can.

Jordan: Ed and Jaclyn are next and in zero seconds flat forget the lyrics. Jaclyn then starts stripping and grinding like a showgirl, which marks the 500th time I wonder what her parents are thinking while watching this.

Ben: “That’s our girl!”

Jordan: Seeing Ed and Jaclyn sing is extremely stressful to watch. How the hell can Ed claim to be a fan of this song? Ed ends the song by dry humping Jaclyn then moaning loudly…perhaps for the first time this happens not in a good way with actual consequences. I never thought his go-to hump then comical moan move would ever fail to work out, assuming it always worked in situations like job interviews and best man speeches at weddings.

Ben: I was fucking LIVID that Ed claimed to be a fan and didn’t know the words. There are only a few things in this world I take seriously, and hair metal is one of them. Another is Ultimate Frisbee, if you were wondering. Between that and Jaclyn pathetically asking if they could start over then scoffing when the music didn’t stop had me booing out loud for these two to get the heave ho.

And yes, “Sister Christian” is a song one of the guys in Night Ranger wrote about his little sister growing up too fast, so I’m sure he was thrilled by this performance.

Jordan: Chris and Sarah go next and appear off tune, and forget only HALF of the lyrics, which is somehow a success. Sarah tries to rev up the crowd and just comes across as annoying while Chris calmly sings in a high-pitched voice. They strip down…copying Jaclyn’s only trademark move…and run around like little kids at Chucky Cheese. As horrific as this all is, they at least played to the audience instead of making love on stage, which gives them a leg up on Ed and Jaclyn.

Ben: Sarah never seemed less cool and together than she did here leaping around the stage like a rabid go go dancer in her hideous green spandex pants, and this is a girl whose jaw drops when Chris Harrison announces that there are sandwiches available on the patio. Chris’ nervousness and little soprano voice while trying to maintain his douchey cool guy grin was fantastic, as was the fact that the Night Ranger guys caught him reading lyrics off his hand.

Ed and Chris have both earned my wrath with their disrespect of the greatest music of all-time. Welcome to the top of my list, Nick!

Jordan: The judges give praise to Nick and Rachel. They slam Ed and Jaclyn. Lastly, they meet somewhere in the middle on Chris and Sarah, saying they were entertaining yet acted like complete idiots. Yes, folks, I can now safely realize one of my dreams and use the following sentence: “I agree on all accounts with what Night Ranger said.”

Ben: You actually have very copacetic fiscal policies as well.

Jordan: Rachel and Nick win, unsurprisingly, and now comes the hard part: Acting sad and fake crying while voting someone off.

A meteor falls from the sky, lands on a patch of dirt, and from the smoldering pile a Decepticon dramatically stands and transforms into shape of Chris Harrison. He tells the group that Nick and Rachel need to chuck out a couple. Everyone that was voted off hates Chris and Sarah, which would help Nick and Rachel win. They are the obvious choice. Nick sells Rachel with this conversation:

NICK: “What are you here for, friendships or money?”
RACHEL: (sobs hysterically)
NICK: “The money? Me too.”

Nick, you are the best. This is your finest hour. And yes, this is the only hour in the entire season you have actually been on this show.

Ben: Seriously though, Nick rocks for just being honest and saying exactly what every contestant on every reality show is thinking, rather than trying to put on a display of faux hysterics like Jaclyn or smarmily gaming like Chris. Good on you Background Guy #2.

Rose Ceremony Madness!

Jordan: The tense music swells and everyone at home is holding their breath for what is the most important moment in the entire game…factors that combine to cause Chris to cock his head and look bored. Ugh, I can’t believe this guy is going to the final two.

Ben: Really? Because you just described the consummate reality show competitor.

Jordan: Nick delivers the death blow to Ed and Jaclyn…meaning Chris and Sarah stay. Jaclyn gives the audience one final brutal bitter beer face. She crumbles even worse than Blakeley, tears and snot spewing from her face like a log flume. Jaclyn, the consummate good sport, then shoves Rachel away from her when Rachel tries to give her a hug. Next, Jaclyn continues to bash her in the limo ride home. Sigh. The limo ride is where final impressions are made, Jaclyn. You would have been wise to takes notes from Kalon. Then again, running into Ed’s limo would have only resulted in getting pregnant with Ed’s baby…and the only thing worse than sad bitter beer face is pregnant sad bitter beer face.

Ben: Also, Ed shot away from her and into his own limo faster than it took me to forget there were twins on this show.

Ned Morse, your final thoughts on Jaclyn?

“Good riddance. What an embarrassment.” –Ned Morse, Caregiver

Jordan: I just saw the preview for the finale. Holy. Shit. I can’t wait. Till next time!