Thursday, September 13, 2012

Ben & Jordan Watch Bachelor Pad: Episode 7

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watched and blogged about Games of Thrones this past season to the thrill of perhaps a dozen.

For years Jordan has been trying to sell Ben, who has never watched an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, to watch Bachelor Pad. Despite their youthful enjoyment of reality romance classics like Temptation Island and Paradise Hotel, Ben was skeptical, but decided to go for it.

Bear wit to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Mark L. Wahlberg as they try and bring some much needed dignity to these people’s search for love/money/fame/a place to crash for a few weeks.

Bachelor Pad Episode 7: “Mighty Morphin’ Power Night Ranger”

A camera slowly descends upon a large hamlet, nestled in the California hills. It is here, that our fateful tale continues. Was it love that brought the six inside the manse together? Perhaps a lust for adventure. Or maybe…just maybe…it was the Chlamydia. Either way, the Bachelor Pad cometh once again.

Ben: I don’t think the market for an Edgar Allen Poe-themed reality dating show has ever really been tapped into. John Cusack could host and it would be a financial and critical flop.

Jordan: The show opens with Rachel whining about missing Michael and Nick’s red face causing the Mars lander to crash upon it. Thus, right where we left off.

Chris Harrison pops onscreen with a pretty blue shirt that really brings out the shine in his forehead horns. He then surprises the guests by saying ONE COUPLE WILL BE LEAVING AT THE END OF THIS COMPETITION! If I am on a reality show and want screen time, I will just have wide eyes and mouth agape at every asinine announcement...even the "welcome to bachelor pad" one.

Ben: See I would go the other direction and just yawn or roll my eyes every time a twist was announced. Even if the producers hated me, I’d still make it further than Ryan.

Jordan: Tony says he is doing this for his son, with absolutely no context or point. The stakes are bringing the best out of these one-note characters.

Ben: Wouldn’t it be great if Tony is actually child-less and “my son” is his nickname for his penis?

I obviously have very little left to say about Tony.

Competition: Hanging from a Trapeze!

Jordan: The competition starts with Ed saying, “What IS this?!” no less than 70 times, evoking virtually every scene from Lost.

Ben: Holy crap, you’re totally right! Man, the more I think about it, Bachelor Pad may hold all the answers we never got from Lost given all the parallels—think about it! Much like Kate, Chris hops from one romance to the other but really wants to blow up his house. Much like Michael, Tony is doing everything for his son and will not win anything. Much like Sun, Rachel is separated from her true love and will probably become a ruthless corporate raider. Much like Jack, Ed has a drinking problem. Much like the smoke monster, Chris Harrison is the devil.

IT ALL FINALLY MAKES SENSE! The island really was purgatory—and Bachelor Pad is hell!

Jordan: Chris Harrison says this competition is a trapeze thingy, which is equal parts brains and brawn. Unfortunately it just so happens that these two traits are Blakeley’s only weaknesses. The shocker? The winner who wins gets to pick the couple that who goes home. I am pumped.

Ben: To further explain for those of you who inexplicably don’t watch the show but read our blog—thanks!—one partner had to hang on a trapeze while the other answered questions about the show. Every time anybody got a question wrong, their partner’s trapeze lost a support, until eventually they were just hanging by a bar.

Much was made of the fact that three of the guys went on the trapeze but Rachel insisted Nick answer questions, which led to him showing off his guns and wondering why she wanted to utilized his smarts over his muscles. However, as a little dude who has observed plenty of larger fellows trying to do pull-ups over the years, I’d argue that Nick’s muscle mass would work against him in trying to hang on. I’m no scientist, people, but I know how physics works!

Jordan: First question...Who is the first girl in a bikini this season? Donna the slut! Woo, this game is going to be fun.

Which person is from the earliest season?...Aka, who is the oldest, crustiest, saddest person…Erica Rose, of course! Haha, I am very much enjoying myself watching this.

Which woman did not compete in the Falling for Love competition? Erica, the twin! Wow, I didn’t even know they had names.

Ben: Megan got this one before me. I was just flashing back to Nick immediately falling out of that heart-shaped container and congratulating myself on the physics observation I knew I’d make over a week later in this blog.

Jordan: Who was David’s partner before the switch? It's Jamie, an answer I actually remembered and yelled at the screen. I am ashamed I remembered this, much less shouted it proudly. Blakeley guesses wrong and Tony hangs for dear life…FOR HIS DEAR SON!

Ben: Remember that joke I made about Tony’s son earlier? How funny is it now! You’re all welcome.

Jordan: Who took their top off in the pool first on Bachelor Pad? Hmmm...I ask my wife “who was that blonde slut girl on the first season? Natalie?” This, of course, is the answer. Gotta love them sluts.

Anyhoo, long story short Sarah and Chris win. Sarah appears on brain-centric competitions to be
VERY smart…despite sleeping with Ed…and she carries Chris along.

Ben: Knowing the answers to Bachelor Pad trivia equals VERY smart for you? Our alma mater would be ashamed.

Jordan: Oh, by the way, this competition is NO parts brawn because it’s IMPOSSIBLE for these hung-over contestants to hang while the cameramen reset the tapes in their cameras and Chris Harrison asks when he can leave to return to fly his collection of zeppelins.

Someone Going Home! Part One!

Jordan: Chris and Sarah contemplate who to send home. Blakeley melts down hardcore. It’s hilarious and over the top, just the way it was meant to be. Tony says he is doing all of this for the betterment of mankind and will donate the money to charity if he wins. JUST KIDDING, he says he is doing it all for his good-for-nothing son. Hey, message to Tony’s son: Compete in your OWN damn competition if you want any money. I don’t care if you are 3 years old. Quit being such a freeloader. Your dad sells lumber, so he has enough to worry about without making money for your sorry ass.

Ben: This is my favorite of your rants this season to date. It also comes close to asking the relevant question of what a generation of children raised by the contestants on reality shows will perceive in regards to “real” jobs.

We don’t shy away from the heavy stuff here.

Jordan: It must be mentioned that during all of this tension Rachel reveals quite shockingly what appears to be a rockin’ bod.

Ben: Never mind my previous attempt to elevate us.

Jordan: Like, it's eye opening and head scratching. Michael was onto something that none of us saw. None of us in the world. I feel quite comfortable saying that not one person in the entire solar system could have seen this coming. Michael, kudos to you. It’s sad you had to die. By the way, I assume all of the people voted off are swiftly killed and ground into roses for next season. It’s what gives those roses such power.

Ben: I know you’re joking, but the fact that you used last season’s winner to fuel said joke and thus reminded me of the existence of Erica Rose, another season two vet, really kills its internal continuity out of the gate.

Jordan: Chris votes off Blakeley, Tony, and Tony’s son. Blakeley freaks out and cries as if her world is crashing down. I suspect that this show was all she had in the world.

On a rare serious note, it is quite sad to see people like David (Bing Crosby) and Blakeley so broken up when they leave because their actual lives are such garbage. I hope their lives improve. I really do. (Sees Blakeley kiss Tony and say she is happy to continue a relationship with him off of the show) Well, there goes that whole ‘life improving’ thing.

Ben: That limo ride was super awkward to watch as Tony sunk his hand into Blakeley’s leg like she was the prize gazelle he took home from a hunting trip where he hit nothing and Chris wounded dozens of defenseless animals to be snatched up by lesser men. There was totally a moment of realization that you could see in Blakeley’s eyes that the cameras would shut off soon and she would still be in a car with this dweeb.

Jordan: Chris Harrison shows up in a spectacular blue blazer, made out of the souls of a hundred kittens, and says it's time for the next competition. They have to all get into a car to get there. In my mind’s eye, at each step…from getting to the door, to leaving, to seeing the car, to getting into the car, to traveling…Ed stops and says dramatically, “What IS this?!”

Second Competition: Awful, Awful Singing

Jordan: Chris Harrison brings the contestants to see Night Ranger…and Ed solidifies himself as my choice to win by calling it “a dream come true.” Chris acts bored and the others stare blankly, but Ed is grinning ear to ear and seems ready to jump onstage and crowd surf. Chris Harrison tells the contestants they will all be singing “Sister Christian” and Night Ranger will be judging. I feel like if this competition doesn’t make Ben a lifelong Bachelor Pad fan, nothing will.

Ben: It was a roller coaster ride of being super excited to see Night Ranger on Bachelor Pad, feeling sad that Night Ranger was on Bachelor Pad, remembering that Night Ranger really only had one hit and haven’t been relevant since 1984 aside from on my Monster Ballads comp and thus hitting a nice plateau of contentment.

Jaclyn pretending to have any idea who the fuck Night Ranger is was an affront to all that is good.

Jordan: Chris Harrison has a comical aside where he tells Night Ranger the contestants will be terrible. I wish we saw more of these Chris Harrison moments, because between this and how evil he acts on the “After the final rose ceremonies,” you KNOW he hates each and every one of the people on this show.

Ben: Oh Jordan, it doesn’t end there, Chris Harrison hates all of humanity; he is all our negative energy given form and tasked with bringing forth Armageddon through reality TV.

Jordan: The contestants all work with voice coaches and it is obvious immediately this is going to be a train wreck. Ed and Jaclyn appear to be especially awful, which is saying something. Chris and Sarah sound like Coldplay to me, which is to say they sound whiny, off-tune, and like horseshit. They aren’t showing Nick practicing at all, which leads me to believe he is actually good and they are saving it. Rachel sounds like Tom Waits, who I guess is a singer, so they are my picks.

Ben: Megan had a similar “They’re not showing Nick, he’s going to be amazing” theory going.

When they introduced all the coaches as being from Glee, I shook my fist at the air at that show’s ability to continue ruining hair metal songs for me long after I vowed never to watch it again.

Jordan: Before the competition, the show does a funny montage of animals fleeing while everyone sings the “Sister Christian” song. At this exact moment my wife Chloe stands up and leaves the room without a sound. I am amazed the singing actually made her leave. She later informs me she left because had to use the restroom. This makes more sense, as the sound of Ed singing makes me have to pee too.

Ben: I chuckled when you called it “the Sister Christian song” like a confused old man.

Also, Chloe just got up without informing you why she was interrupting the show? The nerve!

Jordan: It’s competition time! At this point I am rooting for anyone but Chris. Last season a jackass won in that bearded guy whose name I forget, so I want someone I like to win this time around. Here we go!

Ben: Who do you still like?! Oh wait, I’m writing this thing three days after you sent me this e-mail, you can’t respond. Also, I know the answer is Ed, I’m just having fun while hoping Kalon somehow gets thrown in last minute singing “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

Jordan: First up are Nick and Rachel. Rachel starts out the song and sounds like a balloon that is slowly having air wheeze out of it, squeaking wildly…but she's on key at least. Nick actually sounds quite good and struts about the stage like a rock star. I greatly enjoy their performance, especially since they don’t show much of Rachel’s singing. I’m guessing in that shrieking mass of fans, Michael is watching in disguise and is quietly rooting on his girl while wearing a blonde wig and lipstick.

Ben: I thought Rachel was going to be way better than she was. She did LOOK like a rock star from the 80’s though, more so than any of the others, for whatever that’s worth (nothing). I can’t even remember Nick’s voice, but he definitely ran around with the manic energy only a guy who didn’t realize he was on the show until six weeks in and now stands to win a quarter of a million dollars can.

Jordan: Ed and Jaclyn are next and in zero seconds flat forget the lyrics. Jaclyn then starts stripping and grinding like a showgirl, which marks the 500th time I wonder what her parents are thinking while watching this.

Ben: “That’s our girl!”

Jordan: Seeing Ed and Jaclyn sing is extremely stressful to watch. How the hell can Ed claim to be a fan of this song? Ed ends the song by dry humping Jaclyn then moaning loudly…perhaps for the first time this happens not in a good way with actual consequences. I never thought his go-to hump then comical moan move would ever fail to work out, assuming it always worked in situations like job interviews and best man speeches at weddings.

Ben: I was fucking LIVID that Ed claimed to be a fan and didn’t know the words. There are only a few things in this world I take seriously, and hair metal is one of them. Another is Ultimate Frisbee, if you were wondering. Between that and Jaclyn pathetically asking if they could start over then scoffing when the music didn’t stop had me booing out loud for these two to get the heave ho.

And yes, “Sister Christian” is a song one of the guys in Night Ranger wrote about his little sister growing up too fast, so I’m sure he was thrilled by this performance.

Jordan: Chris and Sarah go next and appear off tune, and forget only HALF of the lyrics, which is somehow a success. Sarah tries to rev up the crowd and just comes across as annoying while Chris calmly sings in a high-pitched voice. They strip down…copying Jaclyn’s only trademark move…and run around like little kids at Chucky Cheese. As horrific as this all is, they at least played to the audience instead of making love on stage, which gives them a leg up on Ed and Jaclyn.

Ben: Sarah never seemed less cool and together than she did here leaping around the stage like a rabid go go dancer in her hideous green spandex pants, and this is a girl whose jaw drops when Chris Harrison announces that there are sandwiches available on the patio. Chris’ nervousness and little soprano voice while trying to maintain his douchey cool guy grin was fantastic, as was the fact that the Night Ranger guys caught him reading lyrics off his hand.

Ed and Chris have both earned my wrath with their disrespect of the greatest music of all-time. Welcome to the top of my list, Nick!

Jordan: The judges give praise to Nick and Rachel. They slam Ed and Jaclyn. Lastly, they meet somewhere in the middle on Chris and Sarah, saying they were entertaining yet acted like complete idiots. Yes, folks, I can now safely realize one of my dreams and use the following sentence: “I agree on all accounts with what Night Ranger said.”

Ben: You actually have very copacetic fiscal policies as well.

Jordan: Rachel and Nick win, unsurprisingly, and now comes the hard part: Acting sad and fake crying while voting someone off.

A meteor falls from the sky, lands on a patch of dirt, and from the smoldering pile a Decepticon dramatically stands and transforms into shape of Chris Harrison. He tells the group that Nick and Rachel need to chuck out a couple. Everyone that was voted off hates Chris and Sarah, which would help Nick and Rachel win. They are the obvious choice. Nick sells Rachel with this conversation:

NICK: “What are you here for, friendships or money?”
RACHEL: (sobs hysterically)
NICK: “The money? Me too.”

Nick, you are the best. This is your finest hour. And yes, this is the only hour in the entire season you have actually been on this show.

Ben: Seriously though, Nick rocks for just being honest and saying exactly what every contestant on every reality show is thinking, rather than trying to put on a display of faux hysterics like Jaclyn or smarmily gaming like Chris. Good on you Background Guy #2.

Rose Ceremony Madness!

Jordan: The tense music swells and everyone at home is holding their breath for what is the most important moment in the entire game…factors that combine to cause Chris to cock his head and look bored. Ugh, I can’t believe this guy is going to the final two.

Ben: Really? Because you just described the consummate reality show competitor.

Jordan: Nick delivers the death blow to Ed and Jaclyn…meaning Chris and Sarah stay. Jaclyn gives the audience one final brutal bitter beer face. She crumbles even worse than Blakeley, tears and snot spewing from her face like a log flume. Jaclyn, the consummate good sport, then shoves Rachel away from her when Rachel tries to give her a hug. Next, Jaclyn continues to bash her in the limo ride home. Sigh. The limo ride is where final impressions are made, Jaclyn. You would have been wise to takes notes from Kalon. Then again, running into Ed’s limo would have only resulted in getting pregnant with Ed’s baby…and the only thing worse than sad bitter beer face is pregnant sad bitter beer face.

Ben: Also, Ed shot away from her and into his own limo faster than it took me to forget there were twins on this show.

Ned Morse, your final thoughts on Jaclyn?

“Good riddance. What an embarrassment.” –Ned Morse, Caregiver

Jordan: I just saw the preview for the finale. Holy. Shit. I can’t wait. Till next time!


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