My Justice League of America

The basic premise of the new Justice League of America series from Geoff Johns and David Finch is that the U.S. government wanted their own super hero team that they could control and that could also be used to potentially take out the original group if they get out of hand. The aspect I most love is that Geoff, being the type of nerd after my own heart who likes arranging his toys to match one up against the other, constructed the JLA with members specifically meant to counter their opposite numbers in specific one-on-one showdowns in the inevitable conflict (Amanda Waller shows a chart with arrows and everything in the first issue).

This is building block comics as you loved them when you were a kid stuff that tickles me whenever it showed up. There’s a reason every good super hero has an opposite number enemy (Bizarro, Venom, Sinestro, Sabretooth, etc.) and every super hero team has a villain group made up of one bad guy to counter each member (Injustice League, Dark Avengers and so forth). It’s good old-fashioned comic book-y fun, and as the guy who realized there was gold in taking the color green and splitting it across the rainbow, Geoff as much as anybody realizes that can be the jumping off point for a great story.

In the past on this very blog, I’ve ridden the coattails of various writers—usually Geoff, actually—and stories—usually Geoff’s again—and come up with my own takes on who would fill what slots in the fantasy draft that is comic book brainstorming. Since I enjoyed writing those—and if I recall correctly they all got a lot of hits…and that’s why we really do this—here’s my crack at a Justice League of America roster to call my own, with the caveats that I didn’t re-use any of Geoff’s picks and am still getting to know the New 52 mythos (but I also have the benefit of not having to coordinate with other writers or, y’know, actually write any stories, so there you go).

FRANKENSTEIN

When casting an anti-Superman, I always go straight for his weakness to magic, since it’s the one thing he seems to have never developed a true defense for (there’s always a way around Kryptonite) and practitioners of the mystic arts tend to be powerful besides. Whereas I’d usually opt for Captain Marvel, the New 52 version is still an untested kid; on the flipside, Frankenstein is a battle-hardened warrior with centuries of experience who may be mostly a product of science, but I wager has enough magic fused in that patchwork body—or at least that he can gain access to—to give Supes fits. He’s a powerhouse who can serve as the team’s tank, but also a strategist and proven leader. Oddly enough, he seems to have a level head in the heat of battle, which would come in handy here.

MIDNIGHTER

Since his creation, Midnight has generally been played as a more ruthless Batman, and that’s something you’d need badly to counteract the Justice League. What he may lack in the Dark Knight’s cerebral capacity for game plans—and not by much—he makes up for in sheer brutality as well as a degree of fighting ability that can be considered superhuman (depending on who’s writing him). Additionally, as a member even briefly of the New 52 Stormwatch—for the sake of this, let’s ignore the Jim Starlin reboot of last week for now—he’s been privy to the workings of another organization tasked with potentially taking down the League that has access to centuries of data. Other members of this team can try to match up with Batman in the game of human chess, but if he gets a crack at him straight up, Midnighter can potentially take him off the board.

POWER GIRL

To the best of my knowledge, not many warriors on Wonder Woman’s level have popped up yet in the New 52—I know Big Barda made a cameo in the last issue of Earth 2, but she hasn’t really shown her stuff yet—but in terms of sheer power, Karen Starr can match and perhaps exceed her. Added advantages PG possesses are that she’s still a relative unknown in the Justice League’s dimension who they wouldn’t have time to adequately prepare for—and who could probably be fairly easily talked into this role by the government—and that she boasts training from a more experienced incarnation of Superman, making her a threat to multiple targets here. If Power Girl comes in like a house of fire, she can bowl over Wonder Woman quick then look to do more damage.

KYLE RAYNER

I’m sure if they had their druthers, Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor would much rather go after a more experienced Green Lantern than neophyte Simon Baz to counteract Hal Jordan, but they probably correctly assumed none of the more tenured ring slingers would go against their brother. However, if any is going to turn at this stage, it would likely be Kyle, not because he’s dumb or evil, but because he’s trusting enough to be talked into thinking Hal—a guy he met as a villain…presumably still—is making another bad call (John wouldn’t listen, Guy is too much of a wild card). Again, it’s a long shot, and it probably wouldn’t work, but if it did, you get not only a powerful Green Lantern, but the only one who’s proven able to wield every emotion on the spectrum, making him potentially far more powerful and versatile than Hal Jordan; then again, worst case scenario, you get a pissed off uber-Lantern on your case…

TURBINE

A recent debut in the pages of The Flash, Turbine is a military man who spent 70 years in the Speed Force, mastering most aspects of the dimension and going nuts along the way. He’s a tentative ally of Barry Allen at this point, but a proven unstable commodity who’s used to following orders from Uncle Sam. His reckless nature means he may not have quite the finesses over his abilities that the Flash possesses, but he also has more raw power and knows tricks that no other speedsters have tapped into yet. Besides his ability to rankle and take out a major Justice League player, it’s just never a bad idea to have somebody with super speed on your side from every tactical angle.

ANIMAL MAN

You’re going to be hard up to find many people who can hold their own against Aquaman if he can get them to his native environment, but Buddy Baker may be one of them. With his ability to mimic any animal’s abilities, Animal Man can at least keep pace with the king of Atlantis under the sea until an opportunity arises to hit him with a power set snagged from other creature. Back on land or in the air, Buddy remains a tricky opponent for any member of the Justice League; he’s among the more versatile fighters in all of the New 52. As far as his attitude, following the events of Rotworld and the death of his son, Buddy’s more hardened than ever, but also in a terrible emotional place where he’d potentially welcome the direction of belong to a team; if he’s stable enough, he’s got the people skills to be a decent leader.

THE ENGINEER

Take everything I said about Batman and Midnighter, and then transfer it over to Cyborg and the Engineer. However, besides that edge in ruthlessness and access to Stormwatch, she’s also got a nod in experience and may have dealt with an even greater variety of threats and adversaries than most of the Justice Leaguers (hard to say with much of the history of the New 52 DCU still unaccounted for). She’s more likely to override Vic Stone’s toolbox than vice versa, depriving the League of their go-to support staff. Also, again depending on stability, like Animal Man or Frankenstein she does have the potential to lead with a great mind for organization and strategy.

You might not buy this book, but would these guys stand a chance against the Justice League?

Why I Left Comics

Despite the bold and emotional proclamations we may make when our favorite character is killed or a book we loves get cancelled, I don’t believe comic fans on the whole tend to leave their passion for the medium behind in one grand sweeping gesture. Rather, I think multiple factors tend to contribute to gradual erosion in enthusiasm that dulls the flame to the point where it’s not worth nurturing for the time being rather than stomping it out entirely.

For me, it’s tempting to simply say high school was the cut off point for my first life as a comic book fan and college brought about my second chapter (well, not that tempting, I do want this blog post to be more than two paragraphs), but certainly there was more to it.

Make no mistake though, high school played a role. For one thing, I suddenly had a lot of other interests to occupy my time, be it sports (I played soccer my freshman year and wrestled all four), the school newspaper, plays, and so on; my time to sit around reading about super heroes became more and more limited as I had other things to do. There was also the transference of funds and energy to parties and other distractions that weren’t on my radar in prior years. I saw my social outcast status fade a bit once I turned 14 or so; I don’t think I ever quite reached big man on campus level, but people seemed to generally like me enough to let me know what was going on over the weekend.

More than anything though, the friends I bonded with over comics drifted from the hobby, and certainly if there was any high school stereotype that proved true for me it was the follow the pack mentality, at least in some cases like this. With my buddies no longer making the pilgrimage to New England Comics or wanting to talk X-Men at lunch, those things held less interest for me as well (although in a story I can now chuckle at, I did continue “covertly” trekking to the comics shop every couple weeks for awhile, acting like I had stopped reading comics when I was still buying a few, and ran into a friend of mine who was doing the same; we both were mortified and didn’t acknowledge the encounter for some time, actually until I ran into him at New York Comic Con last year and said “Remember when…”).

It wasn’t just social contributors though. Comics lost me in the mid to late 90’s because a lot of the stuff that had fueled my fandom seemed to coincidentally wind down around the same time. There was good stuff like Grant Morrison’s JLA, Kurt Busiek and George Perez’s Avengers and more I wouldn’t experience for a bit after they came out because a lot of the stuff I was reading conspired to provide me with a convenient jumping off point. Here’s where I abandoned ship on the books that had been my childhood/young adolescent favorites…

What would be roughly a year-long process of me slowly going from a healthy number of monthly comic book purchases to none began in July of 1995 with the conclusion of the Age of Apocalypse. Whereas today I’m able to appreciate that event as the fun alternate reality epic it was, at the time, it was one of the first proclamations to a naïve 13-year old that comics changed. To that point, while I had been aware on some level of creators coming and going, directions changing and so forth, for the most part I still saw my most cherished books and characters as remaining in a state I could recognize them, typified by the 90’s X-Men titles, driven by a never-ending soap opera about people in colorful costumes drawn by guys with a splashy style that matched at least in part the Saturday morning cartoon show.

I remember reading in Wizard how the plug was going to be pulled on the X-Men books with no real explanation beyond that and not learning about the concept behind Age of Apocalypse until a couple weeks later via the Marvel Hotline (as a former Wizard employee now, I have to wonder to myself how much of the story they knew at the time and held back to help Marvel build an air of history; need to ask Brian Cunningham or Pat McCallum next time I see them). Comics were still vitally important to me at the time and in a childlike way that the idea I would “lose” so many of my favorites really shook me up (if 13-year-old me had been around for the New 52, he may have had a stroke).

When the X-Men books resumed their normal runs post-AoA (and without the Internet we did not know at the time when that would be if ever at the time), I regarded them with caution, feeling they had burned me once and I didn’t want to experience it again (I’m aware of how melodramatic that sounds, but I was 13 and hadn’t had a girlfriend yet, so work with me). In particular, I was unwilling to give the new incarnation of X-Force, once among my top titles, a chance. Fabian Nicieza, my favorite writer at the time, jumped off and was replaced by Jeph Loeb, whom I knew nothing about at the time. Tony Daniel, whose art I was really getting into, was replaced by Adam Pollina, whose style was not just radically different than the “X-Men house style” of the time, but just about anything I’d ever seen beyond those Vertigo books I never bought; he also almost immediately ditched the varied costumes for a uniform purple and yellow look.

But more than anything, the mission statement of the book was changing entirely, with the team going from a group of teenagers living on their own (with their gruff cyborg mentor) to moving back into the X-Mansion. As I have come to know Jeph to be a talented writer and a swell dude to boot, I apologize for not giving his run more of a chance, but there are few things less cool to a 13-year old than his heroes essentially moving back in with their parents. As the capper, Cannonball, my favorite character in the book, was “graduating” to the X-Men, so it felt like it was time for me to do the same.

I started picking up Justice League America around the time Superman died to get a better sense of the DC Universe. Truth be told, I was never that into it and didn’t feel like it was fulfilling that goal by letting me know what The Ray, Fire and Bloodwynd were up to on a monthly basis. It became more of a reflex buy for me the same way Silver Surfer or Iron Man was; a book I didn’t love, but I did like having a lot of new comics to read every month. After Zero Hour, when Gerard Jones took over as writer and centered the book a lot around the weird love square between Nuklon, Fire, Obsidian and Icemaiden with The Flash maybe getting something to do every three issues, I lost interest quickly. I stuck around because they dangled the carrot of Guy Gardner coming back to the team, but once it became evident he wasn’t sticking around, I dumped the book in August of 1995.

I began reading Captain America in 1993 or so admittedly because of the stunt “Fighting Chance” storyline where Cap’s Super Soldier Serum was going bad and he only had a year to live. Yes, it was goofy with the pouch-filled vest, the armor and Jack Flag, but I ate up every chapter of Mark Gruenwald and Dave Hoover’s year-long story. When they jumped off the book (and Cap disappeared mysteriously) in September of 1995, I did the same, figuring I’d come in for this story only and didn’t have any interest in a long term commitment (I did the same thing more or less with the Death and Return of Superman). Ironically, the next run was the to-this-day highly regarded Mark Waid/Ron Garney collaboration cut short but Heroes Reborn and I would not get to read it until years later.

I had tried to give the main X-Men books a chance even after I dropped X-Force, but that didn’t last long. I was kind of intrigued by the Onslaught mystery and loved Joe Madureira’s art, but weirdly Age of Apocalypse really botched it for me as I just couldn’t get into the characters as I had before. Having gone back and caught up on what I missed during the years I was gone since, I kind of wish I had stuck with it, because stuff like Operation: Zero Tolerance and the later Joe Kelly/Stephen Seagle run was right in my wheelhouse, but I said goodbye to the comics that had really been my childhood lynchpin during the fall of 1995, though I would continue following their animated adventures for another two years.

I bounced in and out of the Spider-Man books for a lot of the Clone Saga, Amazing Spider-Man and Web of Spider-Man being my primary titles of choice. Because that era was my entry point, I knew no other Spider-Man, and just assumed it had always been full of mysterious strangers, shocking reveals and omnipotent villains just like X-Men. As I began to cotton to the fact that this was not really the case and the creative teams waxed and waned between restoring the status quo to “the good old days” but then lurched back into another clone showing up to keep that thing running, I strained a bit from feeling like I was caught in the middle of a tug of war. When Ben Reilly took over as Spider-Man would have seemed the ideal jumping off point, but I was still somewhat under the impression the saga was finally winding to a close; around the time Spider-Carnage debuted in April of 1996, I gave up.

I’m sure it won’t surprise any regular readers of this blog to learn that New Warriors was the toughest comic for me to give up—in fact, I never did. I stuck with the book all the way to its cancellation with issue #75 in September of 1996, the same month I started high school interestingly and poetically enough (childhood’s end and all that). The stuff that had driven me off other books didn’t faze me when it came to the Warriors. Fabian Nicieza left with issue #50, but I found Evan Skolnick to be a very capable successor. Nova, Namorita and Night Thrasher were written out, but I stuck around for Justice, Firestar, Speedball and the new recruits. Even the altering of the seminal logo wasn’t enough to get rid of me (and that was a big deal, I assure you). I may have missed an issue here and there, but that was only because I was going to the shop less and less, so sometimes I’d forget the shipping schedule and they’d sell out, as New Warriors was not a book my retailer was getting in bulk.

As I’ve said before, I felt New Warriors ended on an appropriate note, with Skolnick bringing the full team back together and I do feel like those 75 issues constitute a complete story for me that subsequent revamps have left untouched. Still, it was a seismic shift for me as a fan, with my favorite comic being cancelled (despite my letter writing campaign of one letter to Marvel Vision) and me re-evaluating how into all this I still was.

Superboy was my favorite DC character as a kid (I liked the concept of The Flash, but didn’t know the person behind the mask that well yet). It was oddly serendipitous that at almost the exact same time New Warriors was coming to an end, Karl Kesel and Tom Grummett, the creative team that introduced Superboy and crafted the first two-plus years of his book, were moving on. If I had still been buying a lot of comics, I likely would have kept up with Superboy, but as I was pretty much done by the fall of 1996, their exit seemed an appropriate sign. In fairness, I did give the new creative team a few issues and really wanted to like it given how much I enjoyed Ron Marz on both Silver Surfer and Green Lantern, but even though they kept the same supporting cast and setting, the book felt different enough that it wasn’t too hard to move on (little did I know that 15 years later Superboy would be completely unrecognizable to a kid who grew up reading about him).

Strangely, as best I can tell, the final comic I was reading on a reading on a regular basis was Legion of Super-Heroes. This was odd because I’d come into the book late (I didn’t start until after Zero Hour in 1994), the characters had no recognition outside of comics (I never watched a cartoon with them or anything) and…well, Legion was just an odd book for me to end on. Don’t get me wrong, I thought that era was great, but it’s wild to me that I hung on with Legion of Super-Heroes longer than I did X-Men, Superboy and New Warriors. The split of the team and marooning half of them in the past where they suddenly weren’t as unique likely contributed to my severing ties.

(I should note the fact that I dropped my final two DC titles during Final Night speaks not to a disdain for that story, which I like, it was just coincidental timing)

And so as 1996 drew to a close, I was out of comics. I would check in now and again if I happened to spy a rack in a CVS or something over the next couple years and always checked what they had when I went to a bookstore, but for the most part, I was comics-free from 1997 to nearly 2001.

That, of course, is another story…

Grocery Store Comics: "General Mills Presents: Justice League" #1: "Unstoppable Forces"

[You may not always realize it, but there are a number of random print comics on sale at general retail outlets across America on any given week. A lot of them are for kids. Whenever Kiel comes across such a comic at a grocery store, a stop n' gulp, a newsstand or anywhere else they sell Doritos, he buys it. This column is the place where he rambles about those purchases.

As always, reviews on The CKT should NOT be considered any of the following things: The opinion of anyone who works at DC or Marvel. Brief. Smart. Entertaining. Insightful. Spoiler-free. Or vaguely resembling something resembling actual comics criticism. We cool? - KP]


General Mills Presents: Justice League #1: Unstoppable Forces
DC Comics
Written By Scott Beatty
Art By Christian Duce
Free With Cereal...my box of Trix cost $3.99
Website Here

Hey! An actual comic from an actual grocery store!

When I was a kid, I LOVED it any time DC or Marvel would offer some throwaway comic as a publicity stunt whether it be mailaway offerings on the back of pizza boxes or random Toys R' Us handouts. So when I heard that DC was working up a handful of Justice League one-shots to stuff in cereal boxes as the latest in DC Entertainment's attempts to brand build with little kids (never forget attempt #1), I was all for it. I know a lot of people would write this kind of thing off as the most crass of marketing ploys, but I know from experience that little things like this can be both entertaining for certain kids and foster a deeper love of comics in the chase to nab the books up if not the execution of the story on the page.

But to my mind, for the actual comics of one of these promotions to actually work they need to accomplish two basic goals: some solid action comic entertainment value (not just basic competency but some honest-to-goodness storytelling thrills) and that indefinable quality that makes these characters seem radical in the eyes of America's eight-year-olds. And this installment of the digest-size giveaways doesn't really succeed on either account.

While I've always found Scott Beatty's work perfectly serviceable in general and have honestly dug a lot of his more YA-ish work (Batgirl: Year One and Son of Vulcan both come to mind), his script here doesn't ever cohere in a way that overcomes its structural flaws. Setting aside the broad plotholes you'd be willing to write off for this kind of thing (the story opens with the League burying the Shaggy Man under a mountain and then forgetting about the comatose villain for two years while an entire city is built atop his resting place), the arc of the whole comic falls flat. The Shaggy Man is put down, he breaks out, and then the League finds a slightly better way to put him down. It's basic stuff, made even more undramatic by some awkward storytelling moments both in dialogue and the art.

Speaking of which, I have never seen Duce's name or work around before, but from the look of it, the artist is on his first full gig here. Not only does his cartooning embody the sameness of most licensing art, his storytelling has some major hiccups in the fight scenes in particular. There's got to be room for growth with someone this new, but woof...not an auspicious start.

But hey, there are a few better points on the "make these characters seem rad" front. Starting with the inarguable fun of cut-out Batman masks on the back of the cereal box:


Sure, this isn't part of the comic in question, but I think this cheap but fun part of the promotion points to something about how DC has approached this kind of thing. As I'm sure you can tell, the image above isn't from the actual box of cereal I bought. But as far as I can tell, EVERY box that contained a Justice League mini had a Batman mask on the back – nothing for the Flash of GL even.

If nothing else, DC as a corporate entity gets that Batman is a bad ass to everyone. They won that battle sometime around 1989, and the sentiment is as powerful now amongst general audiences as it's ever been probably. So the challenge here becomes making the the rest of their properties (God, I hate referring to characters like that, but in a product like this what the hell else can you call them?) seem as cool as the Dark Knight. If DC Comics is really going to compete as DC Entertainment the way Warner Bros. wants them to, their recently rebranded "Big Four" of Batman, Superman, Green Lantern and Flash need to be able to hold their own in t-shirt sales against Captain America, Hulk, Thor and Iron Man at least if not Spider-Man and Wolverine to boot.

So it seems to reason that if this giveaway is going to justify its cost in the eyes of DCE, the characters should all get their due on the page in one way or another. And this comic almost pulls some of that off. Batman is uber-prepared and flies a jet. Superman can punch out anything. Green Lantern makes some fun, goofy stuff with his ring (and some inexplicable stuff...do kids think big metal spikes are cool?). Flash even finds a few decent moments in creating whirlwinds, though I'm not sure how awesome it is to declare yourself "faster than a text."

But Aquaman and Wonder Woman? Holy shit do they get the shaft here. The King of the Seas spends most of his page time running himself down for having lame superpowers. Honest to God, there's a whole page where he stands there and just complains about not being useful on dry land to which Batman replies "You're a last line of defense." And poor Wonder Woman's plane seems cooler than here in this thing. She's only in about five panels and has two lines of dialogue. I guess little girls don't eat cereal anymore?

Overall, I'm probably being too harsh on something that was put together under a handful of content restraints and on a tight budget/deadline, but I'd like to think that a comic with hundreds of thousands of copies in print which will doubtlessly land in the hands of thousands of kids would put a better foot forward.

I'd still like to read Paul Tobin and Derec Donovan's attempt at one of these as they were the creative team on this I thought would do the best job at the outset, but I'm not due for more cereal pickups for a while. Let me know if you find one, huh?

Justice League Task Force was not very good

I’m not talking about Justice League Task Force the comic book, mind you. While I only own a few issues, Christopher Priest had a run as writer, and that generally ensures a certain degree of quality at least for a stretch. And while I loathe the “pro-active” super team chestnut, the Secret Defenders rotating line-up one is fun. Hey, did Justice League Task Force steal that gimmick from Secret Defenders or vice versa?

But I’m getting off topic—allow me to set the stage…

It’s 1995, I’m 13 years old, I’m huge into comics and while I’m only really versed in video games as far as my spare time at my friend Matt’s will allow me since I’ve only got an original NES with a partially rabbit-chewed wire, I do have some favorites, among them Street Fighter II. Thus the announcement of a fighting game featuring the Justice League seems like a slam dunk to me and I’m counting the days until Blockbuster gets their rental shipment in.

Any fan of comics and/or video game who has played Justice League Task Force is likely now cringing at my misplaced anticipated excitement.

To first give credit where credit is due, I liked and still dig the graphics on Justice League Task Force. The figures are colorful and energetic, looking like they’re straight out of a comic book, but the right mix of cartoony Street Fighter with more realistic Mortal Kombat living in harmony. The characters moved well enough—the women are in a kind of permanent uncomfortable looking crane pose—and the special moves look suitably neat. The mini movie that kicks the whole thing off is pretty well done too, with the cuts to all the locales and looming Darkseid promising a dope story to move this thing along.

And that’s where the good stuff ends.

The plot is that you’re a member of the Justice League going around visiting your friends to get info, but they all attack you and you need to fight them before gradually realizing they’re all android clones created by Darkseid. Then you beat Cheetah and Despero. Then you fight Darkseid. It ain’t Shakespeare, but it’s good enough for a 90’s fighting game, I guess.

You can play as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, Aquaman or Green Arrow. No Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter, which is a shame as both ring constructs and shape shifting would have made for some diverse special moves, but as I’ll get to, a variety of fighting options is not really this game’s strong suit. It’s 1995, so Superman has a mullet. Also, Aquaman carries a trident around because that’s presumably easier to program than getting whales to jump on and off the screen.

Each character has their own location-specific background, which is pretty slick as far as Gotham, Metropolis, Themyscira, Atlantis and The Flash Museum—complete with statue of dead Barry Allen—but I guess they ran out of budget because Green Arrow gets a forest clearing. Cheetah is in the desert, Despero is on a spaceship and of course the final battle with Darkseid is on a so-so Apokolips.

So far not terrible, but keep in mind I’ve really just given you the set up—now it’s time to play the game.

Remember back in the 60’s where those old school Justice League stories paired off the various members of the team and so none could be distinguishable from the others they not only had the same personalities but virtually the same powers as well? By that I mean that even if Green Arrow was teamed with Superman, GA would have “fire arrows” and “ice arrows” so anything Supes could do with heat vision or arctic breath he could approximate. Likewise they’d use comics super science to explain how anything Green Lantern could do with his ring, Flash could do with speed. And maybe Batman had a magic lasso or something, I don’t know.

While I’d like to think the creators of Justice League Task Force were paying in homage to Gardner Fox and company, in reality, they seemingly just got really lazy, because everybody in this game has the same moves.

Superman has heat vision and arctic breath, while Green Arrow has fire and ice arrows and Batman has fire and ice Batarangs—all are the same. You can do the same shit with Aquaman’s trident you can do with Wonder Woman’s lasso. The only guy who really has his own move set is Flash, who has an awesomely cheap one where you can just keep running across the screen in continuous motion so whoever you’re fighting keeps getting punched and can’t stop you; it’s the JLTF equivalent of playing Street Fighter as E. Honda and doing that million punches thing (which I always do). Also, Flash can create tornados—who knew.

Anyways, you’ve basically got six characters with about six total moves between them and it gets real old real fast.

Oh, also Superman and Wonder Woman can fly, but they can’t really attack well while flying, so it’s somewhat useless.

Long story short, Justice League Task Force is a pretty game to look at, but you get sick of actually playing it really quick. You’d hope they’d redeem that somewhat with cool character endings, but again, they all have the same one.

I may not know much about video games, but I know what I like, and this wasn’t it. I will, however, throw a bone to the game’s developers because they also made Death and Return of Superman, which was awesome and my friend Chris and I stayed up through an entire night of college to beat it. I don’t see a world where I will ever grow tired of beating up thugs named Molotov as Superboy in the leather jacket and John Lennon glasses he should still be wearing today (and forever).

First Impressions (and more): Wonder Woman

My first memory of Wonder Woman (as a comic book fan—blah blah blah usual disclaimer about how I saw her on Super Friends and lunchboxes as a kid) is her wearing a baseball cap and serving tacos at a fast food joint. I’m referring to the Brian Bolland cover pictured above to Wonder Woman #73, an issue set in the midst of William Messner-Loebs’ mid-90’s run with the character.

I didn’t read Wonder Woman growing up so my exposure came solely from DC house ads and seeing the covers, which more often than not featured her doing stuff I’d more expect out of Batman like fighting the mob or posing for sight gags like the aforementioned waitressing gig or having a delicious pasta dinner with Flash.

As a reader (rather than a cover viewer), I made Wonder Woman’s acquaintance when she became leader of the Justice League following the death of Superman. Now this was a ways before I understood what “pre-Crisis” and “post-Crisis” meant, so the concept that Wonder Woman wasn’t part of the Justice League already and further that her joining was a big deal first time thing baffled me a bit, but I rolled with it. More puzzling to me, I suppose, was how she come off almost as a bit of a wallflower with super strength. Fun Bolland covers aside, my abstract concept of Wonder Woman was still that she was a bad ass—she was an Amazon warrior after all—yet to my mind she was written in Justice League America as a figure whose name and reputation intimidated those around her, but she would then win them over with how down to Earth she was, which was a perfectly valid characterization, but seemed still off to me. I wanted to see her punching Guy Gardner in the face like Batman did, showing him there were women who could stand up to him physically as well as verbally, but instead she tended to reason with him.

Not long after this, Wonder Woman had her Death of Superman/Knightfall/Emerald Twilight prerequisite mid-90’s DC shakeup storyline wherein she was replaced in her role by a redhead named Artemis and took to just calling herself Diana and sporting a leather jacket and biker shorts as her look. I read the stories years later, and as is generally the case with Messner-Loebs (along with a young Mike Deodato) it was solid stuff, but again, at the time it was strange to me how there seemed to be this trending pattern toward making Wonder Woman/Diana “just one of the gang,” and humanizing her whether through comedy, fast food jobs, complacency on a team or losing her status; even at that age, I held the opinion—even if I couldn’t articulate it yet—that Marvel characters fit the “feet of clay” mold better while DC heroes were cool when they were aspirational, so humanizing Wonder Woman didn’t really work for me personally.

Apparently, somebody at DC in the late 90’s thought teenage me was right on, as the next era of Wonder Woman—which coincided with my getting out of comics temporarily, so I didn’t witness it first hand—brought her back in the direction of being a formidable and imposing figure who commanded respect through words as well as actions, both in her solo title under the reins of John Byrne and particularly as Grant Morrison penned her in JLA. Morrison’s Diana was certainly more along the lines of what I always expected, with her being an advocate for peace, but also somebody who understood it may take a smidgen of aggression to get there, at least in the short term. I dug how Wonder Woman fit into the team dynamic, with Superman and Martian Manhunter as her buddies, holding even Batman’s respect, flirting with Aquaman and then reducing Flash and Green Lantern to nervous man-children with her beauty/brassiness combo (Mark Waid was pretty great at writing that last one as well).

I finally jumped into the Wonder Woman well as far as her solo title when my good friend (not then, but now) Phil Jimenez was serving as both writer and artist. I’m a little nervous about using hyperbole here, particularly since I’m talking about a pal, but honestly, Phil’s Diana was the one I’d been waiting for.

Initially I picked Phil’s Wonder Woman up for the art—I’d been a fan since he did Robin fill-ins for Tom Grummett when I was a kid—but I stayed for an endearing take on a character I’d always been flummoxed by in regard to where her following came from. Ok, first off, the art was gorgeous, but I’ve talked about that before. What worked for me was that Phil was able to make Diana the fierce warrior I’d read about in JLA but also give her the softer side I’d always understood she was meant to have without having her roll over when challenged by her friends and teammates or depowering her. The key as I saw it and see was that where past creators had tried to make Wonder Woman more relatable in some way by “humanizing” her and attempted to bring her closer to somebody we felt like we knew, Phil made her empathetic by playing up that while the world may see her as a goddess, this can often make her feel more apart than embraced.

(This is about when I’ll get an e-mail from Phil explaining who this isn’t what he was going for but he can totally see where I’m coming from because he’s the nicest, most charitable person in comics)

She appreciated and loved the people who stood in awe of her, but felt a sad distance from the friends who had grown old while she remained young, the supposed peers who got weak-kneed around her, and the family she had reluctantly put at a distance so she could do her work. Phil’s Wonder Woman was powerful, regal and graceful, but she also had a loneliness in her eyes that made me feel like I knew her more than wearing a baseball hat ever would. This was a woman who could stare Lex Luthor in the eyes and not be intimidated, but didn’t know how to ask a normal man out on a date and was devastated when he said no (both scenes and several other terribly insightful ones occur in Wonder Woman #170, an issue narrated by Lois Lane who follows Diana around for a day and jots down observations, many of which I’ve cribbed for this article; I consider this essential reading for anybody who wants to tackle the character).

I would later read George Perez’s late 80’s reimagining of Wonder Woman—which came directly before the Messner-Loebs run—and see where Phil got a lot of his inspiration from. Perez brings Diana to Man’s World for the first time and grounds his story in her journey of discovery and her relationships with ordinary people. She is very much the foreign exchange student who is fascinated by everything around her and makes mistakes because she doesn’t understand, but she’s also still definitely Wonder Woman, able to stand up inspirationally to any challenge through strength and wits; just because she may be naïve doesn’t mean she’s not plenty clever. It was certainly a far cry from the Wonder Woman I remembered playing second fiddle to Captain Atom in my Justice League comics.

When Allan Heinberg launched a new Wonder Woman series back in 2006, I did a retrospective piece on the character speaking with him, Phil, Greg Rucka and others who had worked on her. It was an article about what was upcoming and what made Diana tick, but inevitably a lot of the familiar questions about her relative lack of commercial success against Superman and Batman came up. I explored the gender issue—character and fanbase—as well as the lack of a “Dark Knight Returns” (i.e. classic pivotal story), but also examined the other side of the coin: when Wonder Woman was a success. Two points came up specifically: Wonder Woman was a hugely popular character in the Golden Age, specifically during World War II, and that the Lynda Carter TV series remains a fondly remembered and cherished piece of Americana. While the character has been around over 70 years and had some great stories (and not so great stories) along the way, my conclusion was that her prominent place in the public consciousness came from images ingrained by those earliest tales and her multimedia portrayals in animation and live action TV shows.

I’m no expert on Wonder Woman, I’m just a guy who can kill an evening rambling 1500 words about her while waiting for the new episode of Happy Endings. But the take away I got from that article and really all my experiences reading the character is this: On Wonder Woman either go big or go home (coincidentally enough, a patented Phil Jimenez expression). She succeeded in the 40’s because perhaps even more so than Captain America she was over-the-top American propaganda, but also plain fun. She succeeded on TV because Lynda Carter embraced the role quirks and all. I love the work Perez, Jimenez, Morrison and others did because they enjoyed the fact that they were writing an Amazon princess who had a magic lasso and fought Greek gods; they didn’t feel like they needed to ground her in mundane trappings so readers wouldn’t be intimidated.

I’ve said it before, but it applies double to Wonder Woman: You don’t want to relate to every comic book character, sometimes you just want to read about them having crazy adventures. I’d much rather watch Wonder Woman hanging out with centaurs and fighting Joker with snake hair than serving fast food in a leather jacket.

5 Avengers Who Could Be Great Justice Leaguers

I don’t have to essentially repeat my intro from the other day in reverse, do I? If you haven’t already, go back and read my post on Justice Leaguers who would make great Avengers—or at least the first couple paragraphs—and then come back here.

Done? Ok, let’s rock…

IRON MAN
Yep, right out the gate with a big one, I think Tony Stark and his armored alter ego would be a tremendous asset to the Justice League of America. Iron Man is definitely your classic “feet of clay” Marvel hero rather than your idealized DC type, but if you look at his history, he’s all about rising to both the occasion and the people around him. Tony started out as military contractor, but upon experiencing the horror of war vowed to be better regardless of the personal and financial hits he would take. He may have fought a Civil War against Captain America, but he also has incredible respect for Steve Rogers and has been working overtime to be a hero worthy of standing alongside Cap since he thawed him out of the ice. Being an Avenger has always brought out the best in Iron Man and I believe being part of the Justice League would do the same. Tony Stark is both ultra-competitive and extremely—figuratively—goodhearted. He’d not only want to be on the same level as Superman, he’d want to prove he can be even better; he’d not only need to earn Batman’s respect, he’d have to beat him at being the best billionaire altruist and hero—I bet they’d actually go from a grudging respect to being good friends! He may almost irritatingly competitive, but it comes from a good place, and I believe Iron Man would utilize all his considerable resources to take both himself and the Justice League to untold levels of greatness.

HELLCAT
Nobody ever thought teen model Patsy Walker could make it as a super hero, but she did—she became an Avenger! Ever since, Hellcat has been bucking the odds, whether that means earning her place on a team where Namor was arguably the weakest member, making a marriage with the son of the devil work—temporarily—or coming back from the freaking dead. Bottom line: If you tell Patsy Walker she can’t do something, she will do it. If Patsy lived in the DC Universe, she would march right up to the Hall of Justice or build her own spaceship to fly to the moon and you better believe she would join the Justice League. Hellcat’s just the right amount of sugar and spice to make things interesting for DC’s pantheon of champions. She’s a sweetheart who would probably be a great gal pal to Wonder Woman and Zatanna, make Superman smile and get Batman to loosen up; she’s also as fierce as her namesake and would tell Green Arrow where to stick it, let Plastic Man know to shut it and get Batman to loosen up. Hellcat would be a neat variation on Black Canary—who she’d make a great foil for/confidante to—as an underestimated little lady with the spunk and skills to hang with the big guns.

MONICA RAMBEAU
If there’s one Avenger who doesn’t understand intimidation, it’s Monica Rambeau. She named herself Captain Marvel despite the moniker previously belonging to a legendary universal champion who died surrounded by the great heroes ever and didn’t flinch in trying to live up to it. She joined an Avengers team that included Captain America and Thor and did not just earn her spot but was chosen to be their leader before she’d even really completed her rookie season. Whether as Photon or just herself, she’ll fly into any situation with poise, confidence and skill to ensure the resolution that guarantees the safety of those around her. She has incredible powers that allow her to travel across galaxies in an eye blink or put down the toughest bad guys. There is no quality Monica Rambeau possessed that does not make her an ideal candidate for the Justice League. Picture her and The Flash as two light-fast streaks racing into battle. Imagine what she could do matching energy abilities with Green Lantern. Just think what a master strategist like Batman could do if he knew he had this kind of resource at his disposal. They’d be lucky to have her.

QUASAR
Wendell Vaughn is tagged as a guy with tremendous potential to be a great Avenger, but his sticking point has always been that with his other duties as Protector of the Universe and need to mainly stay in outer space for cosmic adventures, he hasn’t really been able to commit as much time to the team as they’d like. The nice thing about the Justice League is they don’t really mind if you miss a meeting or ten, just so long as you deliver when it counts. Any Green Lantern who has ever been in the League can’t be there all the time because they’ve got a whole sector to patrol, but they make it work. Batman comes and goes as he pleases, but the void gets filled. The Justice League has enough powerhouses that they can afford to be without Quasar one mission and then appreciate his presence the next. Speaking of power, as a member of the recently former Annihilators, Wendell has demonstrated that just as how I described Tony Stark earlier he’s a guy who plays up to the people he’s surrounded by, so being around other super-charged heroes would only raise his game. Quasar’s also just such a nice, even-keeled guy that he’d probably fit in better with the generally harmonious League than the oft-bickering Avengers.

JACK OF HEARTS
Jonathan Hart never really got much of a chance to find his true potential as an Avenger or a hero because his powers were so unstable he had to spend most of his time locked in an isolated room and then when he got out he exploded a lot—right up until his death. The combined brainpower of Hank Pym and Tony Stark couldn’t find a solution to Jack of Hearts’ condition, but for some reason I feel like the DC Universe could. The Justice League is a melting pot of such varied cultures as Kryptonian, Thanagarian and Martian, not to mention the New Gods of New Genesis, all of which have technology even further beyond our imagination than Iron Man’s armor. A city like Metropolis where the future is now doesn’t really exist in the Marvel Universe; the Guardians of the Galaxy don’t visit the present nearly as often as the Legion of Super-Heroes. Bottom line, while the Avengers certainly live in a world where anything is possible, I think the one that surrounds the Justice League is even a bit more far out, and my gut tells me they’d find a way to “cure” Jack of Hearts, who would be so grateful he’d be one of the most committed members their team had ever known.

5 Justice Leaguers Who Could Be Great Avengers

I believe I’ve said it before—been doing this a few years now, folks, hard not to repeat myself—but I do believe and also appreciate that the respective DC and Marvel Universes have distinctive DNAs. This is a good thing. It doesn’t make one better than the other, it just makes them different, and for fans and creators alike, this is a good thing. It also doesn’t mean anything is mutually exclusive, be it a style of storytelling or a type of character or whatever, but certainly I do believe if you’ve been around, you can tell when a comic hits perfectly on what makes either world singularly special.

Anyway, I’m getting into a whole other story—and really not one I have the patience or coherence to write, so just corner me at a con some time and buy Rickey a drink—but I do have a point.

One series that not only illustrated what gives Marvel and DC their respective shines via their apex representatives was a personal favorite of mine: JLA/Avengers by the brilliant Kurt Busiek and George Perez. The story was all about how while each Universe is awesome in its own way, the characters most ingrained in one can’t really cope with how the other does business (the examples Busiek chose to focus on were Superman feeling the Marvel heroes didn’t do enough to make their world a paradise while Captain America was uncomfortable with the level of idolization the DC champions achieved).

But it’s not a hard and fast thing. Indeed, I think some characters who have had distinguished and entertaining careers in the Justice League would perhaps thrive even further or at least show another side as Avengers.

And yes, the flipside also applies, but please, let me milk two posts out of this.

So I thought to myself about who would be the best candidates to make the World’s Greatest--Earth’s Mightiest jump, but before we get to my final five, here are a few who didn’t quite make the cut and why…

Green Lantern (Hal Jordan): He’s certainly got the swagger, but I don’t think the Avengers would be able to put up with his long absences quite as well as the League has in the past (they’ve parted ways with folks all the way up the ladder to Thor because they couldn’t put in the time).

Red Tornado: The Avengers already have The Vision.

Blue Beetle: Honestly, no good reason, he was just number six and I wanted to stick to an even five.

Guy Gardner: I think if anybody could straighten him out it would be Captain America, who possesses far more patience than Batman, but more likely he’d just quit after two issues like The Hulk.

The Flash (Wally West): Too obvious an answer from me, but also, he’s the ultimate team player and would likely work well with any group, so it’s not an interesting selection.

THE MARTIAN MANHUNTER
J’onn J’onzz is a cornerstone of just about every incarnation of the Justice League; it’s inarguable and he’s proven himself time and again. But despite how many aliens, robots, etc. may have joined the League’s ranks over the year, it’s very much a team designed to showcase the epitome of humanity—or at least folks who look human—and while beloved, The Martian Manhunter has always been something of an adopted outsider who must work to fit in. The Avengers, on the other hand, are considerably rougher around the edges, not unlike the Justice League International team on which many would say J’onn most thrived. Rather than struggling to prove himself the equal of Batman or Wonder Woman, MM would probably dig being the calming influence to wild cards from Quicksilver to Wolverine just as he was to Guy, Booster, Beetle and friends. Indeed I could see J’onn as being the glue that holds the Avengers’ menagerie of mutants, mystics and monsters together and becoming recognize as one of the Marvel Universe’s most potent and powerful heroes as he does it, no longer needing to tone down his considerable skill set just so Superman doesn’t feel insecure (c’mon, you totally know he does). On a team where former criminals and guys with bad complexions tend to be the norm rather than the exception, The Manhunter From Mars would find the home he’s long sought.

VIXEN
Despite the fact that Vixen has a strong power set, a fierce personality and some natural leadership skills, she’s never quite broken through to the Justice League’s A-list and a lot of that has to come down to timing. For better or for worse, she’ll always be seen as having cut her teeth in the Detroit Era League, and while there’s really no shame in that—hey, J’onn and Aquaman did time on that team—it seems to leave this lingering “not ready for prime time” feel. On the Avengers, that generally doesn’t seem to be a problem. Cap’s Kooky Quartet of him, Hawkeye, Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch was basically the Detroit League two decades early, and they all went on to be legendary Avengers. Heck, looking at today’s roster, did anybody but a young Brian Michael Bendis really ever believe Spider-Woman and Luke Cage would achieve the legitimacy they have? While the best of the best tend to shine on the Justice League, the Avengers are more about second chances and extending a hand to could-be contenders, and that sounds like Vixen all over. She’s got the ferocity of Wolverine, the fashion sense of The Wasp and the track record to date of Tigra—the girl was born to be one of Earth’s Mightiest!

BOOSTER GOLD
We’ve seen in 52 and his solo series how great a hero Booster Gold can truly be, but the Justice League has only ever really tolerated him and his antics, not embraced him and tried to make him feel welcome. The Avengers have dealt with far worse members than an opportunistic scam-seeker and kept them around long enough for them to do some good (Quicksilver again, Moondragon, Swordsman, Doctor Druid, USAgent, Sersi, Hank freaking Pym—and I could go on). With some mentors like Captain America, Hawkeye and The Wasp who actually give him a chance and show some patience with him, Booster could really live up to his potential and feel supported while doing so rather than having to be the greatest hero you’ve never heard of (though that does remain a pretty cool angle). He’d also be a pretty natural protégé for Iron Man, who could show him both the right way to manage money as well as the potential pratfalls of wealth—there are honestly few more conscientious millionaires in comics than Tony “Won’t take defense contracts” Stark”—and probably hit it off with Spider-Man as well.

POWER GIRL
She’s led the Justice Society and has enough power—pun unintended, but there aren’t many other ways to put it—to mop the floor with just about anybody, but strangely Power Girl has never really had a seat at the big table as far as the Justice League is concerned. It could be that Superman and Wonder Woman more or less already fill the slots she’d comfortably fit into. It could also be that PG is a bit brash and headstrong for the League’s oft rigid chain of command. Over on the Avengers, they’re not only always eager to load up on heavy hitters—it wasn’t too long ago they had The Sentry, Ms. Marvel, Wonder Man and Ares all on one roster with Iron Man to boot—but spunk helps more than hurts. Hawkeye spent years mouthing off to his elders then ended up getting handed his own West Coast branch and becoming one of the team’s most celebrated chairmen. If Power Girl doesn’t fit in straight away, I’m pretty sure her combo of battle savvy, proven intelligence and willingness to stand up for what she believes in would earn the respect of her teammates real quickly. Honestly, I don’t just think PG would be a great addition to the Avengers, I could see her leading the darn team.

MAJOR DISASTER
I can’t think of many former villains who have managed to turn their careers around as members of the Justice League; frankly, the standards the DC Universe, heroes and citizens alike, demand from their standard bearers makes it a tough road to hoe. Across the street, some of the most trusted and respected Avengers started off as bad guys: Hawkeye, Quicksilver, The Scarlet Witch, Swordsman, The Vision, The Black Widow, Wonder Man, Namor and Ares are just some of the folks who started on the wrong side of the tracks and ended up proving themselves worthy of being counted among Earth’s Mightiest. Major Disaster made a solid go at reformation, but whether it was the pressure or Batman shooting him dirty looks, he high tailed it to the black ops squad at the first opportunity and never got another shot at redemption before biting it in Infinite Crisis. With a burning need to turn his life around—his soul belonged to Neron, remember—and cool abilities like being able to create localized earthquakes, Disaster could have been a solid Avenger—or at least a decent Thunderbolt.

Batman: The Worst Justice Leaguer Ever

So the Justice League is front and center of all the big news coming out of DC the last couple days, with Geoff Johns and Jim Lee teaming up to make it the flagship book of a re-launched line. Part of the line-up has been revealed and it’s looking pretty exciting—if lacking in Martians—but there are still many spots to be filled.

I’m a total sucker for when iconic teams like the League or the Avengers have their recruiting drives as I’m totally a fantasy football player at heart who loves to mix and match my dream rosters. Don’t get me wrong; I get just as frustrated as the next nerd when the team formation part of a new series drags on or feels forced, but you better believe I’ll always be back for the next round regardless because I’m a junkie that way.

All that said, since the group seems to still be in the process of getting finalized and Kiel already wrote his open letter to Geoff and Jim, I feel it’s my responsibility to do my due diligence and speak to the characters themselves with a little warning based on careful research:

Guys—and Wonder Woman—you should totally not let Batman on the Justice League.

Ok, ok, all you angry fans out there just settle down a minute and hear what I have to say. I’m not saying Batman is not an awesome character and I’m not saying from your and my point of view a Justice League book with him in it isn’t better for his presence; I’m simply warning the heroes of the DC Universe that from a purely in-story standpoint, Batman is a fucking menace to his allies.

I don’t state this lightly, but as far as I can tell, Batman is the worst Justice Leaguer of all-time.

Now as with Forge a few weeks back I’m not saying Batman is lame or that he sucks—even I, the guy who thinks Star Wars was only so-so, know better than that—simply that if we’re going by performance review, nobody is a bigger liability to the Justice League than the Dark Knight. Allow me to state my case…

As far as the Silver Age goes, Batman gets a pass. Really nobody was a bad Justice Leaguer during most of the Silver Age because it was near impossible to be. One of the hallmarks of classic Gardner Fox era JLA stories was that each character, despite being unique in terms of name and appearance, could all battle the same obstacles on a fairly even playing field. Every bad guy had Kryptonite or yellow paint handy to neutralize Superman and Green Lantern as easily as The Atom or Hawkman and Green Arrow had plenty of heat-seeking or mind-scrambling arrows to put him on par with The Martian Manhunter when he needed to be. The totally human Batman standing side-by-side with Olympian demigoddesses and the Fastest Man Alive wasn’t a problem at all.

The first real knock against Batman came at the end of the 60’s in Justice League of America #77 and it wasn’t really his fault directly, but I still hold him responsible. Posing as “ordinary guy” John Doe, The Joker poisons the mind of JLA mascot Snapper Carr against his super friends, giving him an inferiority complex that leads him to give away the location of the Secret Sanctuary. The League thwarts the villain and moves into a fancy satellite up in outer space, but poor Snapper resigns his honorary membership in shame, later going on to suffer the indignity of joining the Blasters—NOTE: I have never actually read the Blasters comic and given that Peter David wrote it, it’s probably awesome—and getting his hands chopped off before finding eventual redemption as Hourman’s buddy and the mentor to Young Justice with an awesome t-shirt collection. Still, why were the teenage years of the League’s mascot ruined? Because Batman pissed off The Joker.

Batman’s first overt action against the Justice League didn’t come until he was getting into one of his moody periods in 1983. Bats gets pissy about the League not helping him be all crazy and vigilante-like when he wants to storm the war-torn Eastern European country of Markovia and rescue his buddy Lucius Fox from a villain, so he storms off in a huff and forms his own team, the Outsiders, to go break international law. To add insult to injury, he gets two dudes who turned the League down, Black Lightning and Metamorpho, to join his group of cool kids, then probably gives Firestorm a swirly and pops out back to smoke a cigarette. With that irresponsible lout Batman having thumbed his nose at it, suddenly the Justice League isn’t the hip place to be any more and they go from beating down Darkseid to getting their asses handed to them by one-offs like Paragon (a Kurt Busiek creation who is one of the most underutilized awesome villains ever). A year after the Bat Bailout, the League gets beat down in a war with the Martians and almost all the established members take off, paving the way for Vibe, Vixen, Gypsy and Steel.

Yes, that’s right: Justice League Detroit is Batman’s fault.

The Detroit era Justice League had its unique charm and Gerry Conway took some bold risks that resulted in solid stories, but the DC Universe was no doubt a pretty terrifying place when the supposed first line of defense against evil had a break dancing kid in parachute pants front and center plus Aquaman as the inspirational leader (sorry Kiel).

But that’s ok, because being a generous and benevolent sort, none other than Batman returned in Justice League of America #250, recognizing a deficiency in training and experience on his former team and vowing to help them become more formidable and giving the world the heroes it needed.

He left about six issues later with no real explanation and then half the team got murdered by Professor Ivo.

Apparently not feeling any remorse for breaking his promise to guide a new generation of impressionable youngsters to anything other than grisly death or survivor’s guilt, Batman was back in the fold a few months later as a founding member of what would become Justice League International. He was pretty grouchy and spent most of his tenure insulting everybody around him, but that was the general tone, so you can’t really blame him. You probably could blame him for giving Guy Gardner, one of the team’s biggest guns, brain damage by punching him in the face and rendering him virtually useless for a good period, but—nah, y’know what, I’m totally gonna blame him for that. Classic scene or not, that’s just irresponsible, sir!

After incapacitating poor Guy, Batman came and went as he pleased when it came to the JLI for a year or so before abandoning the group altogether. He’d stay away for a good half decade once more this time while the team he helped start stopped and started a bunch of times, getting several members killed or maimed along the way. In the midst of it, Bane broke Bruce Wayne’s back for a bit, perhaps not out of ambition as we all suspected, but maybe as karma for the Silver Sorceress or Ice? Ok, maybe not.

Until the last few years, Batman—the Bruce Wayne variety—has been more or less a fixture on the Justice League since JLA kicked off in 1997. He’s had some truly kick ass moments, from defeating the White Martians near singlehandedly to helping kill Darkseid in the future to knocking out Prometheus. He has also nearly gotten his teammates and sometimes the entire superhuman community wiped out on more than one occasion due to his paranoia and shoddy security.

First off you had Mark Waid’s excellent Tower of Babel storyline that ran in JLA #43-46. Ra’s al Ghul distracts Batman by snatching his parents’ corpses and dangles them above a Lazarus Pit then has his daughter grab some contingency plans he had lying around to horribly defeat and torture each member of the Justice League just in case they turn evil. Ra’s and his goons proceed to light Martian Manhunter on fire, use fear toxin to make Aquaman terrified of water, freeze Plastic Man and then smash him with a hammer, blind Green Lantern, trap Wonder Woman in a never-ending virtual reality battle sequence, shot Flash in the neck with a bullet that makes him experience seizures that takes up seconds but feel like they last months, and finally, poison Superman with Red Kryptonite.

Batman designed all this stuff by cozying up to his teammates and learning their secrets through the sinister means of friendship. Sure, I’ve done the same thing to most of my pals—TJ, your weakness involves wine coolers and laser tag—but they’re not super heroes and I’d probably only write stuff on them while they’re drunk or whatever, not shatter them into tiny pieces with a mallet. Hopefully Wally West has never invited Bruce Wayne to a barbeque with his family ever.

So about five years after the Ra’s al Ghul unpleasantness and Batman had been allowed back into the League—I’m pretty sure without apologizing—he decides it would be a swell idea to build a super spy satellite called Brother MK1 to keep tabs on all metahuman heroes and villains, once again, just in case. Granted this was a response to Bats learning he had been mind wiped by his League buddies back in the Silver Age after he saw them erase Doctor Light’s memories—after reading this article, can you blame them?—but still, at one point does a dude learn that his doomsday protocols are all destined for horrific failure?

Case in point: Brother MK1 gains sentience via Alexander Luthor, hooks up with Maxwell Lord and Checkmate, renames itself Brother Eye, creates an army of OMACs, gets poor former Leaguer Rocket Red killed, nearly razes Themysceira and commits all sorts of other atrocities before Batman finally cleans up his mess by leading a team of heroes into outer space and then abandoning the young Blue Beetle out there after he saves the day. Oh, did I mention that Batman was one of several DC heroes to dismiss prior Blue Beetle—and his former JLI teammate—Ted Kord when he got suspicious about Checkmate, leading to him getting shot in the head by Lord? Yeah, so did Superman, but he was at least polite about it.

So that’s Bruce Wayne’s track record as a member of the Justice League; abandons the team when he feels like it, gets others killed or injured, cooks up contingency plans to kill or injure those he hasn’t already, and is pretty much always a jerk. He’ll save your ass against White Martians, but he will also likely poison you without meaning to at some point.

For the record, Dick Grayson has not gotten anybody killed or enacted a single scorched earth scenario since he’s been the League’s Batman. Neither has Wally West or Kyle Rayner—have I mentioned lately they should be on the team?

So fellow readers, while we all love Batman, for the sake of the other characters we care about, I do hope you understand why the worst Justice Leaguer ever should be kept as far away from that team as possible—I mean, except for the fact that the book is way more awesome when he’s inadvertently nearly getting his pals killed.