Ben's Cancelled Comic Cavalcade part two

Continued from last time...

HOURMAN (1999-2001)
Unique case here as the entirety of the Hourman series actually took place during a time when I was not reading comics. I came back into the fold only months after the book's cancellation and one of my gateway books was JSA, so I quickly heard a lot of good buzz about Hourman and got to see firsthand the artistic talent of Rags Morales. It took me a few years, but I gradually tracked down the back issues and did get to read nearly the full run. Like pretty much everybody else, I could not believe they had cancelled this book. It's some of the smartest writing you'll find from Tom Peyer with equal parts wit and philosophy as he charts the hero's journey of the formerly omnipotent android, Tyler and masterfully sets up dominos only to knock them down way later. Great supporting cast with Rick Jones and his ex, Bethany, who are really more co-stars, and absolutely stunning art from Morales, who was clearly having fun. Ironically given the nature of the content and protagonist, it may just have been a book ahead of its time.

NEW WARRIORS (1990-1996)
A book near and dear to my heart as it was the title that more or less introduced me to comics beyond grabbing the occasional Archie digest. The thing was, by the end of 1994, Fabian Nicieza, the co-creator of the title and really its guiding force, had departed following 53 issues because he had run out of stories to tell. During the four years he was on the book, along with Mark Bagley and Darick Robertson, Fabian had compiled an impressive set of stories that, taken as a whole, comprised an epic super story that most fans could be satisfied with. His successor, Evan Skolnick, stumbled out the gate a bit and the book suffered greatly by being shoehorned into the Spider-Man editorial family, complete with Scarlet Spider randomly joining the team for a bit. However, Skolnick eventually found his footing, artist Patrick Zircher was coming along nicely, and most of the Spider-Man ties were dropped. When the book got cancelled with #75, I was upset mostly out of nostalgia and lingering fondness for the characters (upset enough to write a fan letter to Marvel Vision even), but also because the last story arc was probably the best since even before Fabe had left. It would have been nice to have seen New Warriors hit triple digits and become more o a Marvel mainstay, but alas.

NEW X-MEN (2004-2008)
This one is a bit of a cheat, since writers Craig Kyle and Chris Yost moved immediately over to X-Force, one of my current favorite titles, and carried many of their characters and themes with them, but I'm selfish and wish they were writing both books. New X-Men was just a really fun take on oft-attempted "next generation of heroes" trope and I dug what C&C did with it (as well as the base set up by Christina Weir and Nunzio DeFilippis).

SUICIDE SQUAD (1987-1992)
The aforementioned situation with Hourman to the extreme here, as I didn't read Suicide Squad until 12 years after it was cancelled on the recommendation of Geoff Johns, but quickly snatched up all 66 issues like candy and devoured them. It's unquestionably one of my favorite books ever and will certainly be the subject of an upcoming Essentials column. It's the only example I can readily think of where a long-running series starring villains worked without the protagonists having to lose the edge that made them appealing in the first place, and credit for that can be laid at the feet of the great John Ostrander and his wife and collaborator, the late Kim Yale. The plug and play premise of Suicide Squad was a great draw, but Ostrander and Yale's knack for getting the most out of their cast by pushing them to their limits as well as their ability to adapt and maintain that "anything can happen" feel for five years was even more impressive. This was the book that brought us Oracle, made Deadshot a badass, made Amanda Waller an even bigger badass and rehabilitated characters from Captain Boomernag to Vixen to Nemesis. The thing is, Suicide Squad was as good quality-wise at issue #66 as it was at issue #1 (with understandable peaks and valleys in between), but the market changed over five years and unfortunately it simply got edged out.

YOUNG JUSTICE (1998-2003)
For 55 issues, plus various specials, writer Peter David and artist Todd Nauck pulled off the impressive feat of an incredibly entertaining five-year run on an ongoing title with a grand total of like two fill-ins needed the entire ride. PAD and TAN worked some great coming of age drama, romance and action into YJ, but the big hook was always the fun and the clever ways they'd find to utilize the most ridiculous bits of DC trivia or break the fourth wall. The three-way discussion between Superboy, Impulse and the Ray about cancelled comics that Robin interupts to be glared at remains one of the funniest moments in comics to me. And don't get me started on Todd's array of DC-themed t-shirts for Snapper Carr! Ultimately, Young Justice gave way to the Teen Titans re-launch by Geoff Johns and Mike McKone, which proved a critical and commercial hit, so it's understandable why the move was made, but YJ was certainly a special kind of book.

A Semi-Rant About Getting Older as Society Gets Younger

I know we usually don't get too introspective here at the CKT, but indulge me if you will, because I'm curious to hear what other people think on this.

A few days ago, I did my standard Paragraph Movie Review for the movie Adventureland and it ended up getting more personal than those usually get for me. What hit me was how much the character of James Brennan, played by Jesse Eisenberg, reminded me of elements of myself in my younger years, and also how much the character of Em Lewin, played by Kristen Stewart, reminded me of an amalgam of girls I knew and had feelings for during that period. The movie made me very nostalgic, which at first added to my enjoyment of it (as I mentioned in that initial post), but in the subsequent days has led to a surprising amount of self-examination, most of it interesting, but some of it downright stressful.

First off, I can't deny the elephant in the room that is my brain: this movie made me feel kinda old. I'm only 27, but these characters reminded me of a time when I was about 10 years younger, and that's an odd and kinda uncomfortable situation. The thing I observed was how nostalgic I found myself for a period in my life that, to be honest, isn't generally one I look back fondly on. Today I've got a job I find great enjoyment in and a girl who I love more than anything--and we're getting married! So why would I be nostalgic for the days when I had no idea what I was going to do with my life and girls were a major source of anguish for me? It's a strange sensation, but polling my friends the last couple days, apparentl I'm not the only one who has gone through it.

The other big thing I took away from Adventureland was that it's weird to realize you've reached the point in your life where the actors in a coming of age movie are no longer older than you or even the same age, they're far younger. I remember being in high school, seeing movies like Dazed and Confused of Varsity Blues and even though ostensibly the characters were supposed to be the same age as my friends and I, they were clearly played by actors who were a few years older; there's a strange sort of comfort in that, in thinking "I will grow up to be that cool." On the flip side, the characters in Adventureland were only supposed to be five years younger than me, and in some cases, so were the actors, but in others (particularly in the case of Stewart), they were far younger. Not only does that have the danger of leaving you with the very different thought of, "Well, I guess I used to be that cool," but it also brings me to my next point...

As I mentioned, the character of Em reminds me of several girls who I felt strongly about at one time or another. Also worth noting: more than one person has pointed out that Kristen Stewart and my fiancee are not twins or anything, but they do share some resemblance. So I guess it's only natural that I'd be attracted to/fascinated by the character of Em...and that kinda creeps me out. Why? Because the character was supposed to be 22 and further because Kristen Stewart is only 19 years old.

Obviously it's not uncommon when you're watching a movie to develop a bit of a crush on a character featured therein even when you don't feel a particular personal connecttion to the story being told. My big example has always been that when I saw Almost Famous back in 2000, I was totally captivated by Penny Lane, played by Kate Hudson. I had a huge, embarassing crush on her (and on a related note was devastated when she didn't win the Oscar).

Now it has always weirded me out to be attracted in any way to a character in a movie or TV show or whatever, because I picture how the actress (or actor) in question probably would feel about it and imagine either bemusement or discomfort on their part. Yes, I overthink things sometimes. But with the Penny Lane thing (and most subsequent similar circumstances), I didn't feel that uncomfortable, because she was 20, only two years older than me, and also seemed much older. That seemed normal enough.

But crushing on a girl eight years younger than you? I'm not condemning it, but it feels weird to me, and it definitely makes me feel like I've passed some sort of weird landmark on my life's road I wasn't aware of. It maybe wouldn't bug me as much if even the character were a bit older (because again, it's the characters, not the actress), but I've got at least five years on Em too.

This got me thinking about the larger issue of how society in general today is different in regards to how quick people, and in particular, celebrities grow up. I'm not going to preach, because honestly I'm not so much disturbed by this development as I am fascinated. But it was interesting to talk to my old man and note that as he was approaching his late 20's, he wasn't bombarded by a society in which teenage celebrities (guys and girls alike) are promoted as sex symbols. It's an interesting generational thing. Certainly Shirley Temple (bad example because my dad isn't that old, but let's roll with it) never wore outfits like Miley Cyrus does. And hey, I'll go ahead and say it: Miley Cyrus is pretty hot, dude! And she is 16! And just to show I'm being equally opportunistic here, I'm sure there are plenty of chicks my age who think 21-year old Zac Efron is a piece of ass--and in my hetero opinion, they ain't wrong!

Anyways, it's undeniable that celebrities are being sexed up at a far younger age, and that makes it a strange time to be in your mid-to-late 20's, because we're a big chunk of the target demographic for movies like Superbad or TV shows like Gossip Girl and part of that means we're being asked to accept that kids a decade younger than us are sexually desirable. It's a weird place to be.

In the end, I still think Adventureland was a rad movie, but I'm honestly not sure I could see it again in the near future. The amount of soul-searching it has led me to do in regards to my feelings on both society and my place in it has been both exhausting and at times a bit depressing. I'm not gonna lie: the next time I'm flipping through Entertainment Weekly and see a picture of Kristen Stewart, I'm probably gonn feel a weird sort of shame-type deal, and it sucks that a work of fiction should have that sort of power over you. It speaks to the quality of said work, but it still kinda sucks. I'll also feel a bit dumb when I see an interview with her and remember she's still a kid.

The solace I have found is that many folks feel the same way I do. Oh, that and the fact that once I stop being retarded and pining for the days when I was getting drunk in my friends' backyard and awkwardly hoping a certain girl would notice me and instead remember that my life fucking rocks now, I feel a whole lot better.

And besides, the best-looking person male or female in Adventureland was still Ryan Reynolds, and m'man's 32.

Kidding aside though, writing this all out was actually pretty decent therapy. And I'm genuinely curious to hear what the rest of you think.

Back to talking comics after this, promise.

Ben's Cancelled Comic Cavalcade part one

Here's a harsh reality, my friends: If you are a comic book fan, odds are not great that a decade from now your personal favorite title will still be published. It's sad but true. Sure, there are those precious few books that have hit triple digits and others that have been started from near scratch countless times but maintained a presence seemingly forever, but the vast majority of ongoing comics, even the really good ones, are lucky to 50 issues, let alone 100.

Now in many cases this is not a bad thing. Some books like Sandman or Y: The Last Man get to end on their own terms at the time of their creators' choosing. For others, cancellation can be a mercy killing (even perhaps my favorite comic ever, New Teen Titans, ran out of steam long before it got put out to pasture). And in still other instances, your favorite book may have been so transformed by the time it gets axed that you really don't mind (X-Force, I'm looking at you).

But unfortunately, a lot of good series get cut down in their creative primes or as they seem to be turning a corner or when you are still personally enjoying them. Why do they get cancelled? Who knows. Sometimes it's a sales thing, sometimes it's a creative thing--the workings of the comics industry can be mysterious even to those of us who work in it.

Here are some comics I was sorry to see go over the years.

BLUE BEETLE (2006-2009)
I have spoken on my love for this title on this blog before. Without question it is one of my top five favorite books of the last few years. It was always more or less on the verge of cancellation from the moment the sales figures for the first issue came in, but the nice thing was we got more or less a complete 25-issue epic from John Rogers (with Keith Giffen) that can be set aside and read on its own. On the other hand, I felt like after a few shaky issues, Matt Struges was finding some good footing when the cancellation was announced. Jaime Reyes is also just such a different kind of teenage character with an awesome supporting cast and unique world. Fortunately, Jaime has kept in the public eye thank to Teen Titans and will soon be getting a back-up feature by Sturges in a book I already buy, Booster Gold, so it's about as happy an ending as a cancelled comic can get.

CABLE & DEADPOOL (2004-2008)
The spiritual successor to Joe Kelly's Deadpool, this series written by both characters' co-creator, Fabian Nicieza, was one of the funniest comics around for its full run. Both characters now have solo titles of their own which I enjoy (and which are more commercially successful), but the "buddy" genre is one so rarely well-done in comics (past Power Man & Iron Fist, it's a short list), that done right it is lightning in a bottle and something to behold. Cable & Deadpool was also blessed with some great underrated artists who did excellent work during their tenures, from Mark Brooks to Patrick Zircher to Reilly Brown. There were some dry spells and I'm sure Fabian would be among the first to admit Cable was a lot tougher to make fit than Deadpool, but this was 50 issues of fun that I'm grateful for (and I got to contribute to final issue!).

CATWOMAN (2002-2008)
Will Pfeifer had the rough task of following the character-redefining run of Ed Brubaker as writer on this book, but he ended up putting together a solid and entertaining sort of old school super hero adventure that happened to star not-really-a-super hero. I guess Pfeifer's Catwoman wasn't groundbreaking, but I never felt like it had to be; there wasn't much flashy about it, which may have ultimately led to its demise, but you could count on getting a smart book with good art where the writer definitely had a good handle on his lead and a plan on where to take her. I also admire the way Pfeifer deftly weaved in and out of line-wide crossovers without the main story ever veering too far off-track. Definitely a missed monthly pleasure.

FIRESTORM (2004-2007)
I admittedly did not give the Jason Rusch incarnation much of a chance at first, but when Stuart Moore took over with issue #14, I figured the jumping on point made it worth a look and then ended up spending the next year and a half singing the book's praises alongside Andy Serwin in the pages of Wizard as the most underrated and entertaining comic around. Part of the book's appeal was the straight up stripped down good guys vs bad guys approach Moore infused with science tidbits and great characterization. Another part was, like Blue Beetle, that Firestorm showcased both a unique lead and an appealing supporting cast. Still another part was that the book really utilized the DC Universe toybox, both in terms of guest stars and easter eggs. And a key piece of the equation was Jamal Igle breaking out as a really incredible artist. Like with Catwoman, Firestorm was never a book that felt like it was changing the world, but it was comfort food and guaranteed quality.

HARD TIME (2004-2006)
I joined the part late with Hard Time, picking up with the start of "Season Two" and then having to catch what I missed via trade. All in all, Hard Time only ran 19 issues over two volumes, but it was unlike anything else that was coming out at the time, and honestly unlike probably anything in comics ever. I mean, it was a supernatural prison drama--was there ever another one of those? The premise was bold and there's no denying the talent of the late Steve Gerber, who made sure there was never a dull issue.When reviewing the final issue for Wizard, I noted that it really seemed to go out on its own terms and did a nice job tying up pretty much every loose end, but there was such a vast mythology Gerber seemed only on the verge of tapping into, and I'm sorry we never got to see that.

HAWKEYE (2003-2004)
This series was a strange case study. For years, Hawkeye had been a popular character who fans clamored to see more of, so it made sense to give his own solo book. What didn't make so much sense from a marketing standpoint was to make it a book about Clint Barton, out of costume, having "on the road" adventures like he was in "Kung Fu" or "Renegade." In retrospect, it's not that shocking this book only lasted eight issues. That said, I loved it. Again, it was a Fabian Nicieza joint, so I'm always a sucker for that. In a way, it felt like Fabian was trying to re-create his old Nomad book with a more popular character, but also, having written Clint for years on Thunderbolts, he definitely had him down. I dug the very genre tone and the way Hawkeye was played as the handsome stranger who breezes into town, beds the hottest chick, gets in trouble, fights his way out, then moves on. It fit who I thought he was. It appealed to me the same way Wolverine one-shots do when Logan is out of costume and having random adventures. Unfortunately, Hawkeye is not Wolverine when it comes to marketability. I think judged on its own merits, this was a good book, but unfortunately, not the book Hawkeye fans were waiting for. It also had some truly rad covers.

More to come...

Paragraph (Plus) Movie Reviews: Adventureland

More than a paragraph because I wanna give a standard review and then a slightly more personal-to-me take on this one.

I have definitely seen films that are more technically proficent, funnier, and flat out better than "Adventureland" pretty recently, but I haven't seen a movie that gave me the kinda enjoyment and satisfaction I got with this one in years. It's a very intangible and hard to pinpoint thing, because like I said I know I've seen plenty of good movies lately, but something about this one just caught and connected with me on a level that made me grin. Admittedly, I think a large chunk of that came from the fact that I felt a personal empathy to the main character* as well as a sort of nostalgic link to his situation (I've never worked at an amusement park, but his summer job and the environment he was in definitely took me back to my summer camp days in terms of tone), so your mileage may vary on how much you dig the flick. That aside, I do think it held up well just on its own merits. It was certainly not what I was expecting (and, to be fair, what I feel was advertised in the trailers and commercials), which was another Apatow-style screwball comedy. Instead, it was a far more earnest and heartfelt story about young love that got its laughs from fairly realistic events as opposed to outright absurdity. It felt like a more reined-in "Superbad" (which makes sense, as it was the same director, Greg Mottola, who also wrote it) with a touch of "Almost Famous." The people and situations feel like ones you might actually encounter, which gives the movie more weight than something like "40-Year Old Virgin" or whatever. To wit, Jesse Eisenberg is a big reason I dug this so much, and I believe it's because he is what I want Michael Cera to be; he's able to do the "Oh, I'm such a dork, but I'm really sweet" routine and score with the awkward comedy, but not every line is for laughs and he's credible in his serious scenes; you believe that girls would fall for this guy and you're rooting for him. I was probably most concerned about Kristen Stewart going in, because she looked so wooden in just the commercials I saw for "Twilight" and certainly came off like a ditz promoting that movie, but man, she proved my expectations wrong in this one. She's incredibly natural and pulls off perfectly playing the hot girl who is also totally attainable, not an easy feat. It was also cool seeing Ryan Reynolds being given a chance to stretch, not playing the uber nice guy or the cocky prick for once, but instead a very flawed dude whose behavior doesn't match up with his exterior at all. As for Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig, literally all their scenes are in the trailer and I kinda presume they (and Reynolds) were used primarily to get people to buy tickets, which is fine, because I was much more intrigued by Eisenberg, Stewart and the rest of the young cast. Also, great soundtrack. I really just loved this movie. A great balance of humor and heart with a love story I cared enough about that I was on the edge of my seat to see if it all worked out.

*So why did I relate to Jesse Eisenberg's character, James Brennan, so much? Well, even though he was supposed to be 22, he sure reminded me a whole lot of me circa 16-19 (or so). He's a kinda awkward but sorta charming guy who becomes convinced very very quickly that if he makes a connection with a girl, he has found true love. Yeah, that was me in high school for sure. I can't tell you how many times I would just be hanging out with a girl and become convinced she was "the one" just because I was so desperate to fall in love. And much like James, there were a lot of times where I'd find myself turfed because an onstensibly cooler guy who also happened to be kind of a prick came along. It's hard to get into more detail if you haven't seen the movie and/or lived in my headspace for a bit (and that second one is tough), but now that I'm pretty far removed from that guy who I was 10 years ago and have actually found that elusive love I was always searching for, it was really kinda neat to relive those days in a way without having to actually, y'know, go through them again. If you had a similar period in your life (or even if you haven't), I recommend this movie.

Best LOST Ever?

My boy TJ really liked last night's episode of LOST. And TJ really likes LOST. Seriously, he says so all the time. And behind closed doors, he's calling last night's episode quite possibly the best episode ever.

Do I agree with him? Rarely if ever. I think he's just still high on the adrenaline of the episode being less than 24 hours old, but I also think he's going to let me be the godfather of his children some day.

Anyways, it raises an interesting question: If last night's episode wasn't the best ever (and it wasn't), which one was? It's such a consistently high quality show that it's tough to pick out a single standout.

In my mind, it's hard to beat "Through the Looking Glass", the season three finale. It's a wonderfully paced ride with great action, high tension, emotional impact to boot and so many great moments (Hurley saving the day with the van, Sayid actually being a badass, Charlie's sacrifice, Locke's resurrection, Jack beating the shit out of Ben, Sawyer killing Mr. Friendly, Rousseau beating the shot out of Ben, and so on and so on). And of course the kicker, the big flash forward reveal--how can you top that?

But hey, what do you think?

Remember the Ultraverse?

In 1993, Malibu Comics launched a new super hero line called the Ultraverse. This wasn't an uncommon practice at the time, as it came on the heels of Image and Valiant's success and occured around the same period that other upstart spandex imprints like Milestone, Comics Greatest World, Defiant (which I remember way more vividly than I think I should) and more were sprouting like weeds.

I was 11.

I've got an inherent fondness for the Ultraverse that really isn't reflected in the body of actual work I own from its brief history. In total, I think I've got maybe two issues of Prototpye, an issue of Prime and an issue of Mantra in addition to both of the bookends to the Break-Thru crossover, the Ultraverse Origins primer/secret files one-shot (with a Joe Quesada cover), and the Ultraforce/Avengers two-issue mini that basically ended Ultaverse v1.

However, I can name just about every character from the Ultraverse, distinctly recall what they looked like and give you a pretty decent overview of the big events. I used to love drawing Prototype and the Night Man, and the one and only time I tried to enter Wizard's Homemade Heroes custom action figure building contest, I got three quarters of the way through turning an old Thundercats toy into a bootleg Solitaire. Solitaire!

So what was the inherent appeal that with less than 10 actual physical comics in my possession I dug the Ultraverse so much?

Well, in retrospect, I attribute a big chunk of it to the fact that the Ultraverse had no high concept, it was just some very talented creators trying to do good super hero comics. Look, I dig ambitious themes and whatnot as much as the next guy, but I also want to hurl every time I hear about a new team book that is going to be "different than the rest because these guys are pro-active!" Dude, every new team book is pro-active for the first five issues and then becomes like very other team because writing about characters going out and actively looking for villains is tough.

But that's a tangent and a rant.

My point is, sometimes it's nice to just see comic book folks just trying to do good work with the basics as opposed to overdosing on pretense. At a time when you had multiple super hero universes that were supposed to be set in the "real world," or where all the characters were multicultural, or where there had to be a mystic tie-in to everything, it was refreshing to see a non-Marvel/DC set of super heroes who were just that: a set of super heroes. I look at something like CrossGen and appreciate the goals, but wonder if they didn't also get a bit too cute for their own good; the Ultraverse never felt like that.

Not only did the Ultraverse not shun the general idea of just doing super hero comics, in some cases it outright borrowed from the classic tropes but put neat twists on them that set what they were doing apart. There was definitely an element of the original Captain Marvel in Prime, but Kevin Green's teenage inexperience and often warped idealism led down some interesting paths that the Big Red Cheese never really explored. Likewise, Prototype was a fresh take on Iron Man where the armored hero was a hotshot kid who didn't realize he was getting played by the corporate types as opposed to the boss wearing the suit. Hardcase was Wonder Man but as the most successful hero in the world. Sludge owed something to Swamp Thing/Man-Thing, Freex was part X-Men or Doom Patrol, etc., but none of these characters were strict carbon copies.

And I can't really think of anything else quite like the original iteration of Mantra.

It was also cool that the Ultraverse branched out beyond Super Hero 101 with stuff like Sludge, or a detective book like Firearm, or a straight up horror comic like Rune.

The roster of talented creators who worked there didn't hurt either. Steve Gerber, Gerard Jones and Steve Englehart were among the founding fathers of the imprint. James Robinson had a significant role. Up-and-coming artists like Terry Dodson, Darick Robertson and Paul Pelletier were honing their craft. And as the movement gained steam, legendary creators like George Perez and Barry Windsor-Smith signed on to be a part of it.

Break-Thru was actually the beginning of my love affair with the art of George Perez, as I had never seen his work before and was, of course, blown away. What with it being 1993 and the height of Image and all, I had truly never seen anything quite like George Perez before.

I have to also give the Ultraverse a lot of credit for being extremely new reader-friendly. I started with Break-Thru, which featured every single character in the fledgling universe (which was still a couple dozen) and by the end of issue one, I totally felt like I had at least a decent grasp on who each of them were and why I should care. A nice job was done taking snapshots of every corner of the world being created and bringing the different players on stage just long enough to let you know their deal without derailing the story. The very next month, there was some sort of "Origins Month" deal which included the one-shot I mentioned. In fact, they may have done too good a job being new reader-friendly, because I felt so immediately acquainted with the characters that I didn't feel any particular urgency to go out and get the individual titles as I was getting enough out of the samplers and was content to wait it out for the next line-wide event.

But of course this was the mid-90's, and longevity was not a gift many companies outside the big boys were gifted with.

By 1994, Marvel had purchased the Ultraverse, and by 1995 or so, it was no more, as there was only so much cash to go around in a rapidly bursting industry and keeping the X-Men and Spider-Man afloat had to be a higher priority than making sure Prime and Ultraforce stayed in circulation.

So the Ultraverse had a brief but potent impact on comics and on me as a reader. I do regret a little that I never made more of an effort to get into those books full-on, but on the other hand, it probably saved me from a good chunk of disappointment as well. Maybe next convention it's time for me to conduct an overdue expedition to fill-in the gaps in my Prototype collection between and around the two issues I actually own once and for all.

Developing a Brocabulary: Barticulation

Been a bit since I've done one of these, but there is still much to be gained from the pages of Brocabulary: The New Man-i-festo of Dude Talk, so let's do it to it.

Now I myself have for better or worse been off the drinking wagon for the better part of a year now, but that doesn't mean I don't still enjoy a trip to the local pub. So in honor of both my buddies who I'm sure will be putting up a tab that makes the national debt look like small potatoes at my wedding as well as the hard working men and women of the alcohol service industry, of which I was once a part of (story for another day), it's time for some Barticulation or Articulation that occurs at a bar, or that applies to boozing it and losing it.

bartificial intelligence - The fake intelligence that occurs when you're drunkenly rambling at the bar.

barjack - To take over a bar by force, whether by brolling deep or by being obnoxious jackasses: "Dude, let's go to Futtbuckers!" "But it's trivia night." "So what, we'll just barjack the place. Put on your boots, there's going to be a bro storm!"

bar par - The number of drinks that it's appropriate to consume at a given bar. "Dude, this is the Swiggin' Brigand--you're six shots and one funnel under the bar par."

barsenal - Your alcoholic arsenal. "I always keep absinthe in my barsenal--the stuff is ginamite."

benderdome - A one-on-one drinking session cum competition between you and your bro in which "two men enter, one man leaves," in the tradition of Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. It's up to you whether you want to go as far as incorporating a Wheel of Fortune that outlines fates such as Amputation, Gulag, or Thirty Hours of Lifetime Television.

Wow, there's lots of good stuff in this chapter, so we'll revisit at a later date.

(This entry dedicated to the original Naked Trojan and one of history's greatest drinkers, Mr. Abraham Lincoln--and there's a story there too)