The Best of Rock of Ages (or My Favorite Hair Metal Songs)

On Friday, my wife, Megan, surprised me at the Marvel offices with my parents, who came down from Massachusetts to celebrate my birthday (it’s Tuesday, so don’t worry, you didn’t miss it). They took me out to dinner and we stayed overnight in New York City, but probably the highlight (besides seeing my folks) was getting to see Rock of Ages on Broadway, a show I’ve been wanting to check out since Bret Michaels’ ill-fated Tonys appearance a couple years back.

Rock of Ages is basically a loosely-scripted story of some folks trying to thrive in the 1980’s Los Angeles rock scene with requisite love story, kids who want to make it big, shady characters, etc.; really it’s just an excuse to put on a musical where the soundtrack is all hair metal and monster ballads from Poison, Journey, Bon Jovi and so on, which as anybody knows is music to my ears in more ways than one.

My mother asked me after the show where exactly my love for this kind of music came from—I was after all born in 1982, so I was pretty young during the heyday of hair metal—and best I could manage is that I probably had a camp counselor who liked it and turned me onto it. I can say that from about middle school on I devoured every bit of Guns N Roses and Motley Crue I could get my hands on plus any chintzy collection like Monster of Rock or Monster Ballads advertised on late night TV and there is no music I like more.

When I listen to music, my prime goal is to get pumped up or at least feel some sort of powerful emotion. I like to be able to picture myself doing something epic, to lose myself in the riffs and chorus so I’m squinting my eyes and looking like a fool to anybody around me. Lyrics and poetry are really secondary to me when they come up against rocking guitar or drum solos that make me want to go run a marathon I’ll get winded thirty seconds into; I want to hear guys (and girls) scream rather than sing.

Hair metal can totally be beautiful (the first dance at my wedding, after some persuasion, was a super slow version of “When I See You Smile” by Bad English), but all I’m really looking for is something that makes my arms tingle and makes me want to get up and jump. I don’t get that from today’s music, be it top 40 or indy, though much love and respect to people who do.

I had more fun at Rock of Ages than I’ve probably ever had at a show. The critic in me knows it wasn’t the best show I’ve ever seen (and I’m skeptical on how well it will translate to film this year since it was pretty light on plot and the rowdy, drunken crowd was a huge player in making it awesome), but I didn’t care because I was on my feet smiling, clapping along and scoring high fives from cast members as they ran up the aisle (so glad I took the aisle seat).

Here are my ten favorite numbers from the show, which incidentally are some of my favorite songs from the 80’s period (maybe I’ll get to a second post sooner than later on the songs I wish had made the show but probably got left out due to rights issues; 80’s rockers aren’t always known for their generous spirit with this type of thing).

“Sister Christian” by Night Ranger
Night Ranger’s one (real) hit is a perfect marriage of jam and ballad, with the flowing verses into a kick ass chorus. It’s also right off the bat an example of Rock of Ages’ ability to do what I was concerned they wouldn’t as far as shoehorning the actual lyrics of these songs into a story with very few alterations. The female lead is named Sherrie Christian, so her flight from small town Kansas to L.A. fits the song with her last name as the hook, the early parts following her parents’ disapproval, and the rev up into the “motoring” chorus transitioning her story into a love story with wannabe rocker Drew Boley (they get even more bang for their buck off her name by using Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherrie” for Drew’s second act pursuit of his girl).

“We Built This City” by Starship
Every time I’ve ever heard this song played anywhere, those opening staccatos never fail to get a big cheer, and the crowd I saw this show with went nuts for them. You get little tastes throughout, as the song initially gets subverted by the bad guys looking to demolish the Sunset Strip, but it keeps popping up later on as the voice of protest from those looking to maintain the rock. Great anthem for the cool used to perfection here.

“More than Words”/“Heaven”/“To Be With You” by Extreme/Warrant/Mr. Big
A truly epic mash-up that puts that crap on Glee to shame (and by the way, the reason “Don’t Stop Believin’,” the big show closing number, doesn’t make this list is because Glee ruined it for me, so screw those guys). On one side, you’ve got Sherrie realizing she’s got feelings for Drew with the combination of Extreme and then Mr. Big, two of the best ballads of the era. On the flip side, Drew keeps coming up with terrible lyrics to the tune of “Heaven,” then breaks through with the real deal by using Sherrie for inspiration and scores a gig off his righteous jam.

“Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake
Lonny, the narrator and general comic relief, breaks the fourth wall and sets this first act ending number up by explaining this is where “everybody’s shit is fucked up” and we get a killer montage of Drew selling out to get a record deal, Sherrie turning to exotic dancing, Regina protesting the development and Dennis lamenting the loss of his club; a bunch of different voices (plus the ensemble) meshing in glorious symphony as they march toward the second act.

“The Final Countdown” by Europe
Europe’s industrial rock epic serves as the backdrop to start the second act, with construction crews coming in to demolish the Sunset Strip as our heroes attempt to fight back against the establishment in exaggerated (and hilarious) slow motion. There’s a creepy quality to the booming industrial sound of “The Final Countdown” that makes it ominous, but it’s also overblown enough that it’s ripe to accompany physical comedy.

“High Enough” by Damn Yankees
One of the very best monster ballads of the 80’s plays for Drew and Sherrie’s near-reconciliation, and I’ll let bassist/vocalist Jack Blades (also of Night Ranger) explain why it was perfect: “‘High Enough' was about how you love someone so much and you just don't want to scare them away. And it's like, do I take the next step? And then she freaks out when you go, 'I love you.' And it's like, 'What!?!? I'm outta here!' And you're, 'Wait a minute! Come back!' But then the girl comes back, because in the bridge it's, (singing) 'The next thing I remember I was running back for more.' You know how you get scared at first when you fall in love, and everybody freaks out, and that can't be right. And then you go, Wait a minute, this is great, let's forget about the past. Can you fly me over yesterday? Can you take me high enough to fly me over yesterday?”

“I Hate Myself for Loving You”/“Heat of the Moment” by Joan Jett & The Blackhearts/Asia
A great spotlight mash-up for Sherrie as well as Stacee Jaxx, the rocker diva who she slept with after Drew said he just wanted to be friends and who got her fired from the club (he was one of the best characters in the show—played by the understudy no less!—and I’m super pissed I had to use the bathroom during his intro, which happened to be to one of my favorite songs ever, Bon Jovi’s “Wanted Dead or Alive”) as she asserts her new independence via Joan Jett and he fails at a last ditch grasp at dignity with Asia before getting punched out.

“Hit Me with Your Best Shot” Pat Benatar
One of the running subplots of the show is Franz, the effeminate son of the German developer who wants to level the Strip, falling in love with rebellious city planner Regina (“I’m not gay, I’m just German!”) and trying to find the guts to stand up to his dad. After a great slow burn, he finally does it here, tearing away his suit to reveal a spandex singlet and belting out Pat Benatar’s signature song as he makes his goofy and excellent stand. It looks like the Franz character got cut from the movie (from the trailer at least), which is a bummer, because he was one of my favorites (and portrayed by another understudy!).

“Can’t Fight This Feeling” by REO Speedwagon
Probably the two biggest crowd pleasing characters in the entire show are Dennis and Lonny, the aging rocker/owner of the Bourbon Room (where most of the action takes place) and his loyal, surprisingly nimble (dude busts out crazy pirouettes and whatnot) protégé. In the movie, they’ll be played by Alex Baldwin and Russell Brand, so that should be interesting. Here, they confess their “deeper feelings” for one another by singing and pantomiming along to REO Speedwagon’s song the same way my buddies and I used to when we did talent shows at camp (the pantomiming, not the confessing feeling part), i.e. actually acting like they’re opening a door every time they say that line. No number got more laughs and cheers than this one, and deservedly so.

“The Search is Over” by Survivor
A lot of people only know Survivor for “Eye of the Tiger” (if they know who sang that song at all), but as a proud owner of their greatest hits album, I can tell you they are a seriously rocking band who, like the Rocky movies, can pull off poetic as well as they do pump-up. This ballad about realizing the person you loved was right in front of you all along appropriately scores Drew and Sherrie’s romantic reconciliation scene and bridges to the end of the show.

All in all, an awesome experience that I would gladly repeat if any of my pals reading this feel like taking a trip to Broadway and floating me a couple hundred bucks (tickets aren’t that much, but I’d figured I’d go for it).

Who I Want Archie to Meet Next

While I’ve expanded my comic book consciousness significantly over the past decade or so, I’ll always be first and foremost a super hero guy. That said Archie Comics has always been near and dear to my heart.

When I was a kid, while I was only picking up the occasional spare issue of Spider-Man or Avengers, I’d regularly grab all the Archie I could get my hands on, from Archie & Friends to Laugh to Jughead to Betty & Veronica (if nobody was looking). I totally went in for Jughead’s Time Police, Archie 3000 and whatever that weird sci fi book with Dilton was.

I vividly remember that I would take baths when I was a kid (not showers? I don’t know) and while I didn’t want to “damage” my super hero books, I’d always bring an Archie double digest in the tub and end up with my toes and fingers wrinkled because I wanted to finish the whole thing.

Something about the clearly defined characters, classic art, and easy-to-follow storylines appealed to me; it was like comfort food comics. At the same time, even at that age with my writing muscles barely flexed, I had a lot of respect for the guys who wrote Archie because they had to take a pretty firmly and inflexibly established set of guidelines and then create within those, but for the most part, they cranked out a ton of new ideas and stories each month (with the occasional unintentional repeat).

These days, I’m fortunate enough to know one of those writers: the immensely talented and congenial Alex Segura, a good friend as well as PR guru for Archie who has taken up the pen on several high profile stories as of late. Since Alex started at Archie, coincidentally or not they’ve been grabbing a lot of headlines with cool concepts like the stories set in parallel futures with Archie married to Betty and Veronica, openly gay character Kevin Keller and more.

Most recently, in a move right up there with the seminal Archie Meets the Punisher one-shot from the 90’s Alex has helped bring the legendary band KISS to Riverdale in a four-part story currently unfolding in the main Archie book. It’s been a fun read that made me realize how much I’ve missed these characters.

In that vein, with the sky seemingly the limit as far as who could show up in an Archie comic and a pipeline to the powers that be, I’ve compiled a list of crossovers I want to see. Now it would have been easy to come up with “Yeah, that makes sense” stuff from a pop culture standpoint just by surveying the stuff my wife watches on TV and suggesting Jersey Shore and Kardashian knock-off stories, but this is a purely Ben Morse fantasy list, so those ideas get benched regardless of financial appeal (but you can have them too, Segura).

MOTLEY CRUE
After KISS, this is the next logical step, right? To the best of my knowledge Archie doesn’t have plans to start a mature readers line, so I’ll likely never see them do the Motley Crue story I really want to see, but there’s still plenty of potential. Maybe it comes down to the Crue against the Archies against Josie & the Pussycats in a Battle of the Bands. Maybe Reggie becomes a roadie for Motley and has to spend a week trying to make sure Nikki and Vince don’t kill anybody in Riverdale. Maybe you can just get Tommy Lee to co-write the story with the part of his anatomy that co-authored Tommyland (look it up if you can’t guess). Regardless, Bret Michaels makes a last page cameo to set up the Poison guest shot to end the trilogy.

ANTHONY BOURDAIN
The well-known chef, food critic and crank is already doing some sort of gastro comic I believe this year and there’s few better known characters who love to eat than Jughead, so this seems a perfect fit. Bourdain could be coming to Riverdale for No Reservations and give Pop’s a savage review that prompts Jughead to challenge him to an eating contest. It’s classic “heroes fight and then team-up” stuff. Bobby Flay can be the real bad guys trying to open a chain soda shoppe down the street.

GOSSIP GIRL
Kiel will back me up on this one. I would love if there is a to-this-point-unseen Upper East Side section of Riverdale that houses analogues of the Gossip Girl cast and a school redistricting moves them into the orbit of Archie and friends. Archie and Dan switch places in their respective love triangles with Betty/Veronica and Blair/Serena. Chuck introduces Jughead to the world of true hedonism. Jenny and Cheryl Blossom have a mean girl throw down. Nobody from any of the bands has any idea who Rufus is. Nate and Reggie have a really boring storyline. Serena sleeps with Mr. Weatherbee. It writes itself!

WITCHBLADE
Because everybody in comics crosses over with Witchblade eventually. Also, Archie has two of the most iconic female comic book characters in history and I want to see how the artists handle this.

ZACK RYDER
Archie goes nuts when his favorite WWE Superstar comes to town, because you know he’s totally a Broski. Really I just want to see Archie with spiked hair and a Broski headband. I’m not quite sure what the story would be.

X-TREME
Foreign exchange student.

Paragraph Movie Reviews: Friends With Benefits

If you don't have plans to see this movie, you can check the spoilers here and then come back.

Just not good. The plot was lame romantic comedy fodder--two friends decide to "just have sex" but fall for each an hour and a half or so later--but not irredeemable with a better script, which this did not have. Almost every line spoken by either of the main characters was some sort of sarcastic snark to the point where I was just angry at them. Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis are among the most likable performers I can think of, but in this film their characters of Dylan and Jamie are just irritating. It doesn't help that both leads seem completely unmotivated for the most part and deliver said crappy lines as if they're reading off cue cards. There are rare moments when they pick up a gag and make it work that had me mourning for the potential of this pairing if both were performing at 100%, but a lot more where I just wanted them to go away. The highlights are the supporting turns from Patricia Clarkson as Jamie's hippie mom and Woody Harrelson as Dylan's freewheeling gay buddy plus a great cameo from Emma Stone having more fun than anybody else in the cast, but Richard Jenkins, Jenna Elfman and others who should be better just whiff. With this cast, even a flimsy premise should have potential, but they came off as if the script had beaten down any enthusiasm they might have had, and less then 10 minutes in I felt the same way.

How an American "Misfits" Could Work

After a comment on my previous post (shout out to Keith!) about my new obsession "Skins," I had intended eventually to write a post on another British television series Robin introduced me to that I really liked, "Misfits." I didn't intended to write about it this quickly, but hilariously enough, today I discovered some interesting news that ties into both "Misfits" and my "Skins" post. Specifically, "Misfits" is being remade into an American show—to which my initial reaction was, "of course it was."

In all seriousness, "Misfits" is a fantastic show. It focuses on a group of young delinquents all on court-mandated community service for committing various crimes and misdemeanors. A freak storm ends up giving them all different superpowers—ranging from invisibility to time reversal to, well, I don't want to spoil too much. The rest of the show goes off from there. Other people gain powers as well, but this is where "Misfits" differs from other shows in this genre. Instead of becoming superheroes suddenly or realizing that they must use their powers for some greater good or something, the youngsters pretty much just continues on as they always have—as misfits. Don't get me wrong, characters grow and change, but not so much because of their superpowers but more so because of their circumstance and environment, which happen to include said superpowers.

Anyway, what's really interesting about the coming-to-America announcement is that I actually think "Misfits" COULD work as an American show, or rather COULD HAVE at a certain point. Not so much anymore. After shows like "Heroes," "The Cape" and "No Ordinary Family," which all more or less played toward the standard superhero archetype, at this point, I think it's increasingly unlikely general audiences will give a show like "Misfits" a chance—despite the fact that it absolutely subverts the genre. Ads will mostly likely position it the same as any other superhero television show and most people might end up just passing it off as another "Heroes."

Then there's the fact that the potential remake will be done by Josh Schwartz, co-creator of "Gossip Girl" and "Chuck." Now, I've never seen either shows, but from what I've seen through marketing and heard from friends who do watch the show, "Gossip Girl" doesn't exactly scream "Misfits" to me in terms of tone and writing… at all. And while I am interested in seeing "Chuck," just because a show like "Misfits" features nerdy subject matter doesn't not make it a nerdy show. Again, to me, there is a distinctive clash in tone and style between Schwartz's previous projects and "Misfits."

Now, I don't want to make this post another one about how British stuff should stay British and America needs to stop. Instead, I want to talk about how I think "Misfits" could absolutely work in America—providing of course we ignore the two things I just mentioned earlier and instead concentrate on these two simple things that could make it work.

#1: NOT A SHOT-FOR-SHOT

I think a big problem with previous examples of remakes is that they tend to follow the episodes of the British version shot for shot, line for line. I'm talking camera-work, scenery, everything. This happened with "Skins" and with "The Office." In the case of the former, there was a lot that didn't work beyond that, but in the case of the latter, while I love the American version of "The Office," I really didn't get into it UNTIL it went its own way.

I think in order for "Misfits" to work I think they should keep the basic idea, the manners in which things happen, but make sure it's shot and written in an original way. So, young offenders get powers during crazy storm. That's the basic idea of the first episode. By keeping the idea, it's still "Misfits." They'll get the new fans either way, but by avoiding doing a shot-for-shot, they can also bring in the elusive old fans.

As a fan of the British version, I personally will appreciate seeing something new since, well, I haven't seen it before. Moreover, when a shot for shot remake happens, I think people naturally end up comparing it to the original. "Oh, I like how the original actors said this line better" or "Man, I've seen all of this before... EXACTLY THIS!" By changing up the directing and dialogue, they can provide those old fans with something familiar but also something new.

#2: NEW CHARACTERS

I've often heard the complaint that there are never any new ideas anymore. Maybe to a certain extent that's true, but to me what makes something new and different isn't always the idea but the characters. Look at "Misfits" itself. The basic premise isn't entirely new. Everyday people gain superpowers. That's been done a million times over. What made "Misfits" unique was the characters—characters whose personality and actions guided that original premise into a completely new direction.

In fiction, two characters should never react to something in the exact same way. They need to be unique. One of my favorite writers—and an all around AWESOME person—Geoff Johns once gave me a great piece of advice in regards to writing characters. He told me, you imagine your character walks into a room and sees something shocking, like a person just standing there naked. How do they react? A different character walks into the same room and sees the same thing. How do they react? Those reactions should not be the same. Every characters reaction should be different because their personalities are different, their mannerisms are different.

Therefore, if you take any basic premise and insert Character A, the story unfolds one way. If you take that exact same premise and insert Character B, then a whole new story unfolds. This is because Character A and B are two different people whose actions, personality and life will guide that premise in different directions. Writers often talk about the characters becoming so real that they end up writing themselves. That's sort of what I mean here. It's like the Butterfly Effect. That one change should send a ripple across the entire story that changes how things end up.

This then works on a number of levels for "Misfits." For one, the storylines will be different. The tone and premise stays the same, but what happens will be different. Again, it'll be new. But mostly, you avoid the character conundrum. I talked about this with Cassie in "Skins." It was going to be impossible for the American version of Cassie to live up to Hannah Murray. A similar thing will happen to me with regards to the American version of "Misfits," specifically with the character of Simon.

Simon is easily my favorite character in "Misfits." He's super weird at first and get insanely badass later, but his lines are consistently pretty phenomenal and they're delivered brilliantly by actor Iwan Rheon. And I just know the American version won't live up.

Finally, there are characters that work in the UK but who won't work here. Nathan is the perfect example for this. That is a character whose entire purpose is to be super offensive and that type of offensive cannot translate to America because, well, he can't get away with half the stuff he does in the British version in the American one. And for a lot of fans, a tamed down Nathan just isn't Nathan.

So, there it is. I honestly would like to see an American interpretation of "Misfits," and that's the key thing: I'd like to see the American INTERPRETATION and not so much the American REMAKE. Take the theme, take the premise, but make it our own.

17 and a half years ago...

I was going to try and write a real post tonight, but I've got a sinus infection and a new iPhone and the combination of the two is making it difficult to concentrate.

However, I also don't really want the poster for The Help to lead the site all week (no offense, ladies, great movie), so instead, let's fire up the way back machine and take a visual look at what comics 12-year-old Ben was picking up...

(Why 17 and a half years ago? Because I was only reading like three comics regularly 20 years ago, I wasn't reading any 15 years ago, and I wanted to stay in the 90's)

Americop, Azrael as Batman and Bart Sears on Silver Surfer covers--good times in 1994.

Books I know for sure I was collecting but for whatever reason skipped in June of that year (I looked it up): Avengers, Adventures of Superman and, of course, Nova. I have the issues before and after of each. Avengers was an anniversary issue (Proctor!) and probably cost more than usual, Adventures of Superman was in the middle of a crossover with the other Superman books which I didn't read...but Nova was tying into Time and Time Again in New Warriors, which I was totally reading, so, I have no idea.

Paragraph Movie Reviews: The Help

If you don't have plans to see this movie, you can check the spoilers here and then come back.

In the wrong hands, The Help could have been a very bad movie. The script (adapted from a novel) is chalk full of moments that could have been sappy or overwrought, and in the pursuit of an accurate depiction of racism in 1960's Mississippi, there are times they skirt being too on the nose. However, it's a testament to the great work done by director and crew plus the wonderful, wonderful acting that for the most part, the film avoids those pitfalls, and even when they don't, you're enjoying it too much to notice. Octavia Spencer stands out as Minny, working sass and vigor into not just into her lighter moments but the ones where she was projecting rage; I didn't just appreciate her performance, she made me really like Minny. Viola Davis does a perfect counterpoint to Spencer, with Aibileen as the quiet and restrained half of their duo whose probably explosion of emotion has you anticipating intensely; Davis has a pronounced dignity about her that was perfect here. Bryce Dallas Howard has never been better than here as Hilly, creating a villain whose misfortunes you can laugh at without her stature and hatefulness ever being diminished. Jessica Chastain had me laughing out loud as naive Celia, the redneck girl who marries into wealth, but she also provided some of the most powerful scenes. I'd actually say the only person who fell a little short for me was Emma Stone, which is surprising; Stone is always great, and very versatile, but I felt like she played Skeeter's quirkiness for laughs maybe a few too many times and that upset the flow of the narrative slightly. So many other great performances though, from Allison Janney to Cicely Tyson to Sissy Spacek and on; even the little girl who played Mae Mobley was fantastic. A real joy to watch--and given the subject matter, that feels strange to say, but it's how I feel--The Help lives up to the hype.

Britain vs. America: The Battle of "Skins"

For the longest while, my workmate Robin Wildman (shout out!) told me I should watch the British television series "Skins," and as it was on Instant Netflix, I decided that with the start of the new year, I would give it a shot. By the end of the first episode, I knew I was in trouble. I seriously said out loud, "Oh man. This is going to be bad." Two days later, I finished the first two seasons. I literally went to work, came home, watched "Skins," went to bed and then woke up the next morning to repeat the process all over again. I loved it that much... which is exactly why I knew how terrible the American version was going to be.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not trying to be all super snobby "British TV is better than American TV." I mean that by its nature, "Skins" could just never work in America. I already had a few ideas why (MTV, MTV, MTV, Good lord, MTV), but the difference between American culture and British culture can be very vast. There are just certain things that work in Britain that just will not work here. Take another of my favorite British television programs, "Doctor Who." There's all that talk about making an American movie, but I really just can't see that happening.

There's just something fundamentally British about that show. If we brought "Doctor Who" over to America, one, he won't be in a police box because most Americans have no idea what that is and two, his personality would need to be completely different. The Doctor is to a very high extent a pacifist. Yes, when things get rough and people piss him him, he can become very vengeful, but his first instinct is always to try to find a non-violent way to solve the problem—and do it in the most awesomely quirky and brilliant way possible.

A character like that doesn't work in Hollywood. Americans want the action star. It's the very reason why Sherlock Holmes became one in the American films. Compare that to the Holmes found in the absolutely phenomenal British series "Sherlock," whose interpretation is much truer to the character despite taking place in present day. (Seriously, watch "Sherlock," it's amazing).

Anyway, today, while lying home sick, my medicine addled brain decided to man up and watch the pilot of the US version of "Skins."

I couldn't even finish it. I started, stopped at a certain point, took a break, tried again and failed.

What surprised me the most is that not only was it bad for the reasons I figured, but also for a few reasons I wouldn't have expected or known about had I not watched. Let's discuss, shall we?

WARNING! IF YOU INTEND TO WATCH THE VERY AWESOME TELEVISION SERIES "SKINS," STOP READING AT THIS POINT! SPOILERS ABOUND! ALSO, I APOLOGIZE, BUT THIS POST IS GOING TO BE CRAZY LONG. CONSIDER IT MAKING UP FOR MY ABSENCE.

REASON I EXPECTED: AMERICA

Here's how I would probably describe "Skins" to someone: It's a British teen drama that doesn't shy away from sex and drugs, but all that comes entirely secondary to the deeply complex characters and their relationships with one another.

Here's how I think the pitch went down when they decided to bring it over to America:

"It's a British teen drama that doesn't shy away from sex and drugs but…"

"What? Really? Hmm... Teens and sex and drugs! Yes! It's so racy and edgy!"

"Wait, no, it's not about that, it's..."

"Why are you still here?! Get this show made!"

After that, it devolved into "Teens! The sex! The drugs!" and finally just into "Teens! Teh seeexxxxx!!"

In all seriousness, this is exactly what I thought the problem would be in bringing "Skins" over to America. They would amp up the sex and drugs aspect. Gratuity is a huge thing in this country. Whenever it comes to sex and nudity, it usually gets, well, over sexualized. It's rare that someone just happens to be naked in the scene. It's usually a whole hullabaloo. "Oh my god! They're naked!" Even if someone was undressing, it's usually slowly and to some raunchy music—ESPECIALLY if the character is female.

The truth of the matter is that there's a huge difference between nudity and gratuity, but that concept gets lost far too often in American culture. I really didn't find anything in the first two seasons of "Skins" as gratuitous. The sex and drugs aspect isn't the focus of the show. The meat of the show really is about the development of the characters. And I know that many American shows can handle all that stuff properly, but add MTV into the mix, and well... you get what we ended up getting.

Here's two examples of this that really stuck out from that first episode: there's a scene at the beginning where Tea, a lesbian character in the US version (more on that later), is at cheerleading practice. At the end of the routine, the other cheerleaders lift her up… gripping her breasts in the process and she's smiling happily. You know, cause she's a lesbian. And they're feeling her up. Hopefully you can feel my eyes rolling through the text. Anyway, the second comes later when the gang arrives at a party. The hostess opens the door wearing an EXTREMELY low-cut dress and let's just say it was quite obviously very cold in that house. Little things like that are just unnecessary and only serve to further the "Hey! Teens! SEEEEXXXXX!!!"

REASONS I DIDN'T EXPECT #1: DIALOGUE

This is actually something really subtle and probably only noticeable if you've seen both versions. In the British version of "Skins" foul language is no big deal. The characters curse all the time because, let's face it, teens curse. Heck, most people curse. However, dropping f-bombs is a big no-no in America, so suddenly the dialogue must completely avoid swearing. Normally, there's nothing wrong with a show with no swearing, but when that show constantly features teen characters hurt, frustrated and angry, the dialogue becomes almost jarring and unrealistic. This is evident from the opening sequence alone, in which Tony's dad comes bursting in the room screaming at him to turn down his music. In the British version, the dad comes in yelling and cursing, furious to the point of exasperation. In the American version, he has to avoid swearing and instead replaces words with the "tamer" version and it just feels less… angry.

This happens throughout the episode. The nature of the characters have them swearing often, but since they can't do that in America, everything is tamer while still trying to retain the roughness of the dialogue. As a viewer, you listen and you start realizing it sounds very odd. "They said that, but I really know they mean this." Worse still, at a certain point, they drop the f-bomb, but of course, it's bleeped out. That's probably the worst thing they could do. That bleep absolutely pulls you out of it and reminds you "This isn't real! This is very much a TV show with TV show rules!"

It's a little change, a miniscule difference, but suddenly it doesn't feel real anymore. The dialogue doesn't feel real. The characters don't feel real. In the British version, the actors sometimes wrote their own dialogue and you feel the realism of it all. In the American one, you can tell teens didn't write it. The censors and studio did.

REASON I DIDN'T EXPECT #2: MAXXIE WHO?

This is one I didn't expect but should have seen coming. In the British version, there's a character named Maxxie Oliver, who is an openly gay male. In the American version, Maxxie doesn't exist. Instead, we get the "hot lesbian" Tea Marvelli.

Naturally.

The fact that Maxxie went from openly gay to closeted lesbian says a lot. You might be able to argue (poorly) that the change is only a stylistic choice to vary things up between the versions, but we all know the real reason. I also find it a bit...odd? disconcerting? To me, that change says, "No way will viewers be okay with an openly gay male. But a lesbian? Yeah! Girl on girl is hot!"

The worst part of the change is that Maxxie is a fantastic character. Brilliantly acted and brilliantly portrayed. There's an storyline between Maxxie and his best friend Anwar (played by freaking Dev Patel!) where Anwar reveals that his religion and Maxxie's sexuality come into direct conflict with one another, which leads to a big rift between the two. There's actually a fantastic line where Anwar, trying to convince Maxxie that maybe he's not gay, asks him, "Have you ever tried being with a girl?" and Maxxie counters with the line, "Have you ever tried being with a guy?" It's a great exchange that directly confronts some of the issues homosexuals face. And that exchange CANNOT happen in the American version because Maxxie does not exist.

Really, the entire storyline between Maxxie and Anwar plays out phenomenally well and teaches a lot about friendship and acceptance. It's one thing if that exchange won't happen, but the loss of that storyline is downright tragic. Again, you can argue that they wanted to change things up, do something different. So, going on that, I looked up what happens to the character of Tea.

She ends up starting an affair with Tony, who is, in fact, a guy. So the lesbian character starts having an affair with a male because, you know, that whole exchange I talked about earlier, well, maybe that WAS the case and just sleeping with the opposite gender a bit can test it all out! To be fair, in the British version, Maxxie did fool around with Tony for literally a minute, and that did cause strife between Tony and his girlfriend Michelle just like with the American version. But Maxxie and Tony messing around briefly in the British version makes sense because Maxxie is, you know, GAY.

REASON I DIDN'T EXPECT #3: THE CASSIE CONUNDRUM

Okay, this last reason is a bit unfair.

I cannot express in words exactly how much I love the character of Cassie Ainsworth. She is, without question, one of my favorite female characters in all of fiction. I tend to like girls that are either crazy or sadistic (yes, I have problems), and from her very first line of dialogue, I knew Cassie was going to be my favorite character in the show. By the end of the second episode, she already skyrocketed to my all-time favorites list. The only other character that's ever happened with was Azula from "Avatar: The Last Airbender." She actually didn't even need a line of dialogue.

Anyway, Cassie is a wonderfully written character and her relationship with Sid was definitely the highlight of the series for me and had me at the edge of my seat every step of the way. But as well-written as she was, Cassie's greatness is really attributed to actress Hannah Murray.

From Cassie's signature "Wow" to the way she moves to the nearly unnoticeable differences between her fake vs. real smiles to even her eyes, Murray added little, subtle nuances that really brought the character to life. This is all very immediately evident from her appearance in Episode 1 and all of Episode 2 (which focuses specifically on Cassie). And Episode 5 when Sid returns home to find her waiting and she flips out is an absolutely amazingly done scene and ranks as one of the best in the series.

All this considered there was NO WAY IN HELL the American version of Cassie was going to live up to the British version. And, well, she didn't, but it was more than that.

In the first episode, there was nothing identifiable about Cadie (American Cassie) as being crazy. Just the fact that the characters said she was. Which, hey, show don't tell. That's, like, a pretty well known rule in storytelling. She really just seemed like everyone else, except someone said she likes knives. That's it. And I don't blame the actress. There was nothing in her dialogue that distinguished her. She was just... there. And, honestly, I would have been fine if they took the character in another direction. In fact, I would have encouraged it. But if you're going to state a character as crazy, you should probably write her a little crazy. Or at the very least different from any other regular character.

So, there it is. I know this came out sort of like a bash-fest against the American show, but it all comes from a very passionate love of the British version, which I really do encourage people to check out. I normally don't find myself a fan of the teen drama, what with the "Gossip Girls" and "One Tree Hills," but the first two seasons of "Skins" is not only teen drama at its finest, but some of the best character-driven storytelling I've seen in a long time. So, hey, America, take some notes and rock it out the next time around.