Ben & Jordan Watch Bachelor Pad: Finale

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watched and blogged about Games of Thrones this past season to the thrill of perhaps a dozen.

For years Jordan has been trying to sell Ben, who has never watched an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, to watch Bachelor Pad. Despite their youthful enjoyment of reality romance classics like Temptation Island and Paradise Hotel, Ben was skeptical, but decided to go for it.

Bear wit to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Mark L. Wahlberg as they try and bring some much needed dignity to these people’s search for love/money/fame/a place to crash for a few weeks.

Bachelor Pad Episode 8: Finale

Jordan: The thing I love about Bachelor Pad is they don’t even bother with playing out the final episode at the house. They just chuck everyone into a studio audience full of housewives…the reality show equivalent of throwing them to the wolves. Already housewives are shaking their head at the mere mention of Chris. I’m anticipating lots and lots of head shakes in this finale.

Ben: And what I love is how over the past eight weeks you have continually referred to the entire viewing audience of Bachelor Pad to “housewives."

And yeah, them being in a studio right off the bat rather than at the house caught me by surprise, but I dig it. I don’t need 20 minute packing montages set to Sarah McLaughlin and the three way “We’re awesome!” slow-mo high five between Chris, Nick and Sarah while Chris Harrison collected Rachel’s tears in a bloodstone-adorned goblet in the background to end episode 7 was an appropriate sendoff for the house anyhow.

Jordan: Chris Harrison introduces everyone in a smarmy way, making it seem like one happy family…in no way hinting at the pile of drama and sadness that will greet them in this final episode. While watching The Bachelor, The Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad is fun, it’s this final episode that really does it for me every time. It’s just so, so fun to watch these people tear each other apart while Chris Harrison cackles maniacally in the background.

Ben: Thank you for coming clean about watching the other non-Bachelor Pad shows after swearing to me you didn’t before we started this. It only took two months, but I’m proud of you.

Jordan: I must mention that I love that they introduce the one guy as “SWAT”. He has no name.

Ben: To be fair, his name is Chris, and they’ve already got two of those, so since he’s not a soulless, vacuous soldier of evil with a knack for hosting or a half-asleep douche bag who can’t spell “heart,” he gets the short straw.

Jordan: The contestants watch the recaps. You can see form their wide grins and laughter that they don’t mind having their images dragged through the mud and have absolutely no shame for anything they have done. I love them.

Ben: They showed Ed through 75% of this sequence, which was absolutely the right call. It was interesting how they completely glossed over the early drama with the twins, and by “interesting” I mean they found out they were on Jersey Shore. I was surprised they were at this taping, but I guess not having them there would have just drawn more attention.

Actually, the real notable exclusion was Reid, since his weirdness and inept plotting fueled the first three or four episodes, and then they never got into his stuff with Ed later, but it’s a spoil of riches I suppose.

Jordan: We learn Kalon and Lindzi are still together. Lindzi calls Kalon “sweet”, and somehow Erica Rose is the wise one who tells Lindzi to “be careful.” Erica Rose then bravely calls Kalon out for being out on a date at a movie with another woman. My one regret this season was that we weren’t treated to more of the kooky craziness that is Erica Rose. But alas, this was such a spectacular season that even her antics were lost in the shuffle.

Ben: You have to figure Lindzi knew what she was getting with Kalon, no matter how nice he was in the week they spent together—yeah, I’m going there early and often, get ready—but who knows.

A little Erica Rose went a long way. She didn’t need to be on any longer than she was.

Jordan: Next Michael comes to speak with Chris Harrison. Michael does his likeable “I can’t believe I made it past the first or second week” shtick, and then we are treated to a montage of him ripping Rachel’s heart out of her chest. It’s like a Mortal Kombat-esque rip of the heart as he says he has no intention of dating her out of the house. Then, elsewhere in the montage he is exposed as a bit of a dark puppet master, with evil sounding music underscoring it. By the way, an angel gets its wings every time Michael says, “This is a little bit devilish,” which is very ironic.

Ben: This was a bit of a testament to how much of this show is shaped by editing, as obviously if that clip where Michael told Erica he had no intention of dating Rachel post-show had aired during the actual season, his image would have irrevocably altered, but they saved it for here.

Jordan: The montage ends and IMMEDIATELY Michael goes into damage control saying he apologizes for his actions to Erica Rose. Michael then says he didn’t want to be with Rachel and his eyebrows extend wayyyyyyyy above his head as he tries very hard to do the “Hey, guys! I’m just an honest guy over here” look. Jaclyn tears into him and the audience housewives react by shaking their head yet again, which is like getting the guillotine on this show. On a side note, “Housewife head shakes” is also the first single off of Ben and my new album.

Ben: THE BULK OF THIS AUDIENCE IS IN THEIR EARLY TWENTIES! COME BACK FROM PLEASANTVILLE!

Yeah…Michael looked pretty bad coming out of this, no two ways about it. I still think he was wonderfully entertaining and charismatic during his stint on the show, but his “nice guy” image is pretty well-shattered. I’m not saying he’s a monster, and again, there really is no telling how much editing played a role here, but at the end of the day, that clip at the wax museum where he point blank tells Rachel not to worry about falling in love with him is pretty damning. I would have had more respect for him if he had copped here to playing the game not unlike Kalon did at pretty much every opportunity, but that he tried to weasel his way out of it and still come off smelling like roses made him seem like a weasel.

That said I would still love his new album for Christmas. I will listen to it while I work out, both physically and emotionally.

Jordan: Jaclyn gets a montage, which signifies she has made it into the hallowed pantheon of popular Bachelor Pad contestants and will likely be on future seasons. After she watches, fiery Jaclyn and her ugly mug lash out at anything and everyone, especially Rachel. She is entertaining, but the sorest loser I have ever seen and there are MANY sore losers on reality shows. Thus, in conclusion, she has come a long way since her days at Ben’s sister’s high school, but “long way” probably means “less respected” now that I think about it.

Ben: We both went to that high school, mister, and I’m pretty sure she’s maintained an even keel as far as both self-respect and that she receives from her peers.

There was no more laughable bit this entire episode than Jaclyn making the absurd statement that she was the “true puppet master” of the house. Her most strategic move was continuing to sleep with Ed after he gave his masterful “For the good of our team” speech. I’m pretty sure she would be outsmarted by actual puppets. Or Muppets.

Jordan: Next is Blakeley’s montage o’ crying/freaking out. In the montage, Tony does the “what has two thumbs, an incredibly hot girl by his side, and feels like he just won Bachelor Pad? THIS GUY!” Anyone who knows me knows I have a soft spot for this incredibly stupid joke, so Tony just won me over big time. Way to go out on a high note, Tony.

Ben: As the person who introduced you to that joke, I could not be more ashamed and embarrassed. As the person who introduced me to that joke, Alex Verdaguer just had a vein in his head burst somewhere (don’t worry, he’s fine, he does CrossFit).

Jordan: Blakeley, Jaclyn, and Native American Pocahontas headdress-wearer Jamie start arguing. It’s very fun to watch, with Blakeley and Jaclyn coming off as cold bitches, while Jamie comes off as a social awkward mental patient. Chris Harrison watches them fight, rubs his hands together, and subsequently laughs over their smoldering corpses. Their hate gives him strength.

Ben: What impressed me about Jamie is the amount of effort she puts into looking terrible. She’s a very pretty girl, and an ugly dress or hideous earrings alone would not be enough to fight against nature, so she brings out the kind of gold chain head adornment the love child of Cleopatra and James Brown would say “too much” to and complements that with what appear to be rhinestone tear drop facial tattoos. That is effort.

Jordan: Blakeley starts crying about how in love with Tony she is. Chris Harrison keeps hinting at something, which makes it sound like a Tony proposal is waiting in the wings.

Ben: I liked how when Blakeley questioned why she didn’t notice Tony during the first half of the season, he did this pantomime of how he was watching her from behind fences and around corners, like the creepiest stalker who ever stalked. Superfan Donna took a break from not saying anything to think he’s a weirdo.

Jordan: They even continue talking to Blakeley after the commercial break. My wife observes, “Tony looks a lot better when he is not beet red and sweating all over himself.” This lack of sweat leads me to believe they are going to announce they are engaged even more. Tony then…pulls the rug under me by saying, “We are moving in together!” Typical Tony…underperforming at every turn.

Ben: Tony’s son breathes a sigh of relief.

Jordan: Wait…he may be proposing as I write this. Tony is once again sweating and stammering. Blakeley is wigging out. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. HE’S DOING IT! HE PROPOSED! HE DID IT! HE DID IT! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER! (sorry I default to Howard Cosell calling that famous Muhammad Ali fight whenever I get excited).

Ben: Tony’s son watches whatever was left of his childhood innocence burn on a pyre ignited by Chris Harrison.

Seriously, how lucky is this kid to not only get to watch his dad come off as a pervy loser on national television, but as bonus get a stepmom who spent the four days before her and his old man’s three day courtship pining over another guy and threatening to donkey punch multiple people in the throat? At age 13, Chris Harrison shows up to collect this kid to “fulfill his dark destiny,” just you wait.

And c’mon, man, at least Google how to spell Muhammad Ali’s name correctly!

Jordan: Now that is over with, let’s see the four remaining contestants! Nick enters, tan as Djimon Hounsou.

Ben: AMAZING REFERENCE!

Jordan: Rachel enters looking as gaunt and weathered as the tree that threw apples at Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Chris enters sneering with that familiar “I’m hot shit” expression. Sarah enters with a grin and hyper, hyper, crazy eyes. Aw, the gang hasn’t changed one bit.

Ben: You know how when they do the finales of Survivor—or at least did the two seasons I watched—it’s crazy because you get to see how all the contestants look when they’re not malnourished and living in the sun 24/7? Obviously for the most part that wasn’t the case here since Bachelor Pad lasted two weeks and they were all living in a mansion, but I swear, Chris looks like he somehow got access to a razor for the first time since the show started and ate enough to put on about five pounds of weight in his face between last week’s episode and this one.

Jordan: Rachel starts by looking at Michael, saying “there is some relationship stuff that needs to be discussed.” Chris Harrison jumps right in and says, “SAY IT!” Mark L. Wahlberg would be proud of Chris Harrison’s Satanic eagerness to create conflict. He has learned from the master.

Rachel says directly to Michael that he essentially is a cockface who slept with her and abandoned her. Michael’s eyebrows raise to the height of the Empire State Building with mock eagerness and says he is sorry but he just wasn’t in love. Nick sits there awkwardly, staring at the floor. I feel bad for him, not even getting two seconds of screen time on his own damn final episode. I want him to just team up with Chris Harrison and just take the money on an epic buddy trip to Vegas while these people argue over their petty romances.

Ben: I’d rather he team up with one of the other contestants who hasn’t gotten to say a word this entire reunion, like maybe Ryan, whose sole moment on the episode came from Jamie sneeringly noting how she didn’t want to partner with him and everybody else laughing like he wasn’t in the room.

Jordan: Rachel continues to drag Michael down, housewives in the audience shaking their heads so much their heads are just spinning like The Exorcist. Rachel breaks into tears. Nick stares his only friends in the studio, his shoelaces.

Nick then speaks! He speaks! He says he wanted to fly under the radar, and he actually needs the money so he didn’t want to get involved with any drama or anything stupid. The obvious segue way buzzwords of “drama” and “stupid” brings the attention on to Chris. Chris then uses the opportunity to apologize for all of his bad behavior on the show, the same thing chipmunk-voiced Casey did last season of Bachelor Pad (right down to the same “my father said that’s not how he raised me” line). Ugh, I can’t stand this guy…even his apologies are strategic and contrived.

Ben: Yeah, again, he could take a cue from Kalon, who lied as much as he ever did, but would admit it as soon as it was strategically safe to do so, and not apologize because it’s part of the fucking game. I get that Chris wants to win the quarter million here, but dude, even though you’re dealing with a group that would likely lose a spelling bee to a studio audience at a Barney taping, they’re not going to forget you were an utter turdbag like three weeks ago just because your dad took you out behind the woodshed.

Incidentally, there was a small part of me that hoped at this point Chris would win and then smarmily reveal his parents had been dead for years.

Jordan: It’s question time! Time to have everyone shred each other! Rachel apologizes to Jaclyn, causing one more disgusting bitter beer face out of Jaclyn (we knew there would be one). Chris then says he regrets nothing in regards to Blakeley, obviously showing his regretful speech earlier was fake. He then starts shouting at Jamie that he is sorry, getting visibly angry at her. Lastly, Chris says, “don’t vote for me…vote for Sarah” in one last horrendously pathetic attempt for votes. Rachel and Nick should kiss Chris right now for the grave he is digging himself.

Ben: I loved how superfan Paige, who got voted out the first week, tried to interject herself into the argument at one point only for Jamie and Jaclyn to shoot daggers from their eyes at her. I also liked how Bing Crosby made a cameo to compliment Chris on playing the game because he’s a deranged lunatic who sees people as chess pieces and has never experienced true emotion.

Jordan: Time to vote!

Ben: How excited was Chris Harrison to bust out that “Remember twins, as always, your vote counts as one” line? How long did it take for the twins to realize where they were?

Jordan: The final tally? 50,000 votes for Nick and Rachel, and 3 votes for Chris and Sarah from the crazy/game obsessed people in the house (Kalon, Erica Rose, and Bing Crosby). Jaclyn casts the winning vote to Rachel and Nick, and all is happy in the world. Yay! Rainbows and sunshine!

...I can’t believe it will end this way. Every season of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette end in some sort of awkwardly entertaining heartbreak or anger, and Bachelor Pad was way too atypically happy an ending last year. Nay, on the hell on earth that is Bachelor Pad, where only sadness and despair prosper, there is still hope for an entertainingly devastating ending! BWAHAHAHAH! I now realize I may have painted myself into a corner with that last sentence, setting up for a letdown if this ends happily. Shit.

The awesomely evil twist from last season comes with the “relationship test,” with the winning duo electing to either keep or share the money with each other. I am so, so hoping Nick fucks over Rachel here as it would be the coolest thing in history. I can’t imagine Rachel saying “Keep”…so I’m depending on Nick to go berserk and just swing his tan dong in the faces of everything television holds sacred. Do it, Nick. Do it. Do it!!

Ben: One, I think you’re elevating Bachelor Pad waaaaaay above its place in the annals of pop culture with that “everything television holds sacred” line. Two, how much time do you think they spent filming those cutaways of Nick and Rachel doing Thinker poses in their deliberation rooms? Three, could Jaclyn and company have been any bitchier to SWAT when he suggested Nick should keep the money and they tore into how he “doesn’t understand” because he wasn’t there long enough to form “real” relationships like they were over their two weeks?

Jordan: While the duo vote in their sound-proof booths, everyone in the cast bashes Nick, saying he has to realize he rode everyone’s coattails to get where he got. Absolutely no credit to him for actually staying drama-free and off of the cameras for his own benefit. DON’T LISTEN TO THE HEATHENS, NICK! KEEP THE MONEY! TURN TO THE DARKSIDE!

Ben: Again, Jaclyn was the loudest voice here, proving herself an even bigger sore loser and also smart as hell because she is going to be on this show for the next ten seasons if she so desires.

Jordan: Here we go. Chris Harrison, stoke the flames of evil with your mind.

Rachel reveals her card first: She chooses…SHARE! Big whoop. She smiles, pleased and smelling that sweet money coming to her. Chris Harrison is visibly displeased at the show ending this way again.

Ben: She could not have been more condescending with her “I suffered so much to get here…oh yeah, and I had a partner too” speech. She may as well have patted Nick on the head and given him a biscuit.

Jordan: Nick, take this home. TAKE IT!!!

Nick’s turn to reveal his card. Here we go.

Wait. Waitwaitwait. Something is happening. What I am seeing as I write this may stand as one of the greatest speeches in the history of television. Nick is detailing how no one in the entire game wanted to be with him. No one believed in him. They all mocked him, behind his back and to his face. Rachel, above all, didn’t ever want to be on a team with him. She kept saying she wanted be with Michael instead of him, right down to the final competition. Nick says he did this, from day one, by himself. And then….oh my GODDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!! NICK KEEPS THE MONEY! HE KEEPS THE MOTHERFUCKING MONEY! AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!! Nick says to all of the contestants that they all wanted all of the money, he just stood up and took it. GENIUS! SHEER GENIUS! Kalon and Chris even applaud and congratulate Nick, saying he deserved it. I am FLOORED. I am completely and utterly floored. The audience loves it, I love it, I am SURE Ben loves it. BEST ENDING EVER!

Ben: Indeed, this was perhaps the greatest ending to a reality TV show I have ever witnessed.

You may remember early on in this blog, I talked about how on shows like these I either pull for the nicest possible people or the worst. Once upon a time I loved the ending of Survivor season two where nice guy Colby sacrificed his chance at winning to do the right thing. This was leagues better because Nick basically gave a full-on super villain speech, but he was also 100% right about each and every point and was completely justified in his behavior and decision. The traditional paradigm would say he’s a gigantic cock for doing this to poor Rachel, but you can see how the audience fucking LOVED him for it. He basically shattered reality TV, and again, his speech was AMAZING.

Two quick non-Nick points:

First, that almost immediately after Nick announced his decision, SWAT fucking ran up to give him a hug. After the shit that Jaclyn and friends had given that dude a few minutes earlier, I felt GREAT about that.

Second, as much as Nick deserves credit for being the greatest man alive here, my absolute favorite moment of the entire season and perhaps in reality TV history came when after his spiel Jaclyn and Rachel were bitching about how he didn’t “deserve” this and fucking Kalon shot them right the hell down with the classic “None of us DESERVE anything! Do you understand what that word means? We’re lucky to have the privilege of being on this show!” PREACH ON, BROTHER KALON.

I now revise my earlier request for a Nick-Ryan buddy movie to a Nick-Kalon bad cop-worse cop show with SWAT as the rookie on the force and Ed as the drunken commish.

Jordan: Weirdly, after many Rachel tears and Chris Harrison smiling wider than any human possibly can smile, Nick just stands up and walks off of the stage before Chris Harrison is even done talking. The cast is floored, not believing what they are seeing. Rachel chases after Nick and starts screaming at him. Nick calmly stands up for himself, saying he did what any rational person in a house full of people who didn’t care if he lived or died would do…all amidst Rachel calling him pathetic. Nick then leaves, gets in a limo, and the show closes with the best line possible. Nick, smiling to the camera: “B.P.3…ANYTHING GOES!!” WOOO HOOOO! I am still FLOORED! It is 1am as I write this and I KNOW I won’t be able to sleep tonight. My adrenaline is off the charts!!!! NICK!!!! YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!

Ben: I like to imagine the police finding the park across the street from you transformed into a hot sludge fundae and being baffled as to why.

I do feel bad for Rachel. Her life is awful. She got dumped, she lost a friend, she got dumped again (more or less), she regained that friend (who is awful) then she lost a quarter (or I guess an eighth) of a million dollars. She had every right to be upset and manic. On the bright side, I would hazard she will definitely be an upcoming Bachelorette if ABC likes money.

But everything Nick did was so very right. The foundation of reality television has always been people lying, whether it’s to form alliances during the show, or to come off as characters afterward. Near as I can tell, Nick was himself all through the show, then gave convention the finger in the end, not caring how he’ll be perceived by the fans because he “turned” on these jerks he spent a couple weeks with and taking the money.

The beautiful, beautiful irony was that the fans loved him more than they ever would have had he shared the money. It brought a tear to my eye.

Jordan: The show ends in the most magnificent way possible, with a montage of people throughout the course of the show saying bad stuff behind Nick’s back, making fun of him. He showed them all. And now he is $250,000 richer. God bless him. I am so, so happy right now. Every time I watched a reality show, I would always be confused by the people on the show who felt so “connected to each other” even after only knowing each other for a week or less. Nick just showed me that if you need the money enough, you can stay focused enough to put aside public expectations for what you privately think is right. He is a strong man. A strong, sun burnt, “dying of skin cancer as I write this” man.

Ben: If I can maintain the enthusiasm, I’m going to try and put together my own “montage” of all the insults we levied Nick’s way while we were writing these.

Jordan: And thus we come to the close another chapter of Bachelor Pad, and I have to say it has been an immense pleasure writing with my best bud Mr. Benjamin Morse. The list of lessons we learned from this season are long, but the chief one I learned was this: The next time you see someone pass you on the street with an immense, painful sunburn…do not laugh at them. With the help of one Chris Harrison, that same sunburned person could one day gain the power to ensnare your soul and steal all of your money. Laugh at their sunburn and THEN push them down a manhole. Protect yourselves, people.

Ben: Only the strong survive.

This was an unexpected delight and I am forever grateful you basically forced me to watch and blog about it with you. I feel enriched. I also feel we are far more suited to writing about reality dating shows than stuff than epic drama that gets nominated for Emmys, so there’s one more lesson learned. And I would not have wanted to learn it with anybody else, pal.

Jordan: Goodnight, one and all, and see you for B.P.4!!!!

Ben & Jordan Watch Bachelor Pad: Episode 7

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watched and blogged about Games of Thrones this past season to the thrill of perhaps a dozen.

For years Jordan has been trying to sell Ben, who has never watched an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, to watch Bachelor Pad. Despite their youthful enjoyment of reality romance classics like Temptation Island and Paradise Hotel, Ben was skeptical, but decided to go for it.

Bear wit to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Mark L. Wahlberg as they try and bring some much needed dignity to these people’s search for love/money/fame/a place to crash for a few weeks.

Bachelor Pad Episode 7: “Mighty Morphin’ Power Night Ranger”

Jordan: A camera slowly descends upon a large hamlet, nestled in the California hills. It is here, that our fateful tale continues. Was it love that brought the six inside the manse together? Perhaps a lust for adventure. Or maybe…just maybe…it was the Chlamydia. Either way, the Bachelor Pad cometh once again.

Ben: I don’t think the market for an Edgar Allen Poe-themed reality dating show has ever really been tapped into. John Cusack could host and it would be a financial and critical flop.

Jordan: The show opens with Rachel whining about missing Michael and Nick’s red face causing the Mars lander to crash upon it. Thus, right where we left off.

Chris Harrison pops onscreen with a pretty blue shirt that really brings out the shine in his forehead horns. He then surprises the guests by saying ONE COUPLE WILL BE LEAVING AT THE END OF THIS COMPETITION! If I am on a reality show and want screen time, I will just have wide eyes and mouth agape at every asinine announcement...even the "welcome to bachelor pad" one.

Ben: See I would go the other direction and just yawn or roll my eyes every time a twist was announced. Even if the producers hated me, I’d still make it further than Ryan.

Jordan: Tony says he is doing this for his son, with absolutely no context or point. The stakes are bringing the best out of these one-note characters.

Ben: Wouldn’t it be great if Tony is actually child-less and “my son” is his nickname for his penis?

I obviously have very little left to say about Tony.

Competition: Hanging from a Trapeze!

Jordan: The competition starts with Ed saying, “What IS this?!” no less than 70 times, evoking virtually every scene from Lost.

Ben: Holy crap, you’re totally right! Man, the more I think about it, Bachelor Pad may hold all the answers we never got from Lost given all the parallels—think about it! Much like Kate, Chris hops from one romance to the other but really wants to blow up his house. Much like Michael, Tony is doing everything for his son and will not win anything. Much like Sun, Rachel is separated from her true love and will probably become a ruthless corporate raider. Much like Jack, Ed has a drinking problem. Much like the smoke monster, Chris Harrison is the devil.

IT ALL FINALLY MAKES SENSE! The island really was purgatory—and Bachelor Pad is hell!

Jordan: Chris Harrison says this competition is a trapeze thingy, which is equal parts brains and brawn. Unfortunately it just so happens that these two traits are Blakeley’s only weaknesses. The shocker? The winner who wins gets to pick the couple that who goes home. I am pumped.

Ben: To further explain for those of you who inexplicably don’t watch the show but read our blog—thanks!—one partner had to hang on a trapeze while the other answered questions about the show. Every time anybody got a question wrong, their partner’s trapeze lost a support, until eventually they were just hanging by a bar.

Much was made of the fact that three of the guys went on the trapeze but Rachel insisted Nick answer questions, which led to him showing off his guns and wondering why she wanted to utilized his smarts over his muscles. However, as a little dude who has observed plenty of larger fellows trying to do pull-ups over the years, I’d argue that Nick’s muscle mass would work against him in trying to hang on. I’m no scientist, people, but I know how physics works!

Jordan: First question...Who is the first girl in a bikini this season? Donna the slut! Woo, this game is going to be fun.

Which person is from the earliest season?...Aka, who is the oldest, crustiest, saddest person…Erica Rose, of course! Haha, I am very much enjoying myself watching this.

Which woman did not compete in the Falling for Love competition? Erica, the twin! Wow, I didn’t even know they had names.

Ben: Megan got this one before me. I was just flashing back to Nick immediately falling out of that heart-shaped container and congratulating myself on the physics observation I knew I’d make over a week later in this blog.

Jordan: Who was David’s partner before the switch? It's Jamie, an answer I actually remembered and yelled at the screen. I am ashamed I remembered this, much less shouted it proudly. Blakeley guesses wrong and Tony hangs for dear life…FOR HIS DEAR SON!

Ben: Remember that joke I made about Tony’s son earlier? How funny is it now! You’re all welcome.

Jordan: Who took their top off in the pool first on Bachelor Pad? Hmmm...I ask my wife “who was that blonde slut girl on the first season? Natalie?” This, of course, is the answer. Gotta love them sluts.

Anyhoo, long story short Sarah and Chris win. Sarah appears on brain-centric competitions to be
VERY smart…despite sleeping with Ed…and she carries Chris along.

Ben: Knowing the answers to Bachelor Pad trivia equals VERY smart for you? Our alma mater would be ashamed.

Jordan: Oh, by the way, this competition is NO parts brawn because it’s IMPOSSIBLE for these hung-over contestants to hang while the cameramen reset the tapes in their cameras and Chris Harrison asks when he can leave to return to fly his collection of zeppelins.

Someone Going Home! Part One!

Jordan: Chris and Sarah contemplate who to send home. Blakeley melts down hardcore. It’s hilarious and over the top, just the way it was meant to be. Tony says he is doing all of this for the betterment of mankind and will donate the money to charity if he wins. JUST KIDDING, he says he is doing it all for his good-for-nothing son. Hey, message to Tony’s son: Compete in your OWN damn competition if you want any money. I don’t care if you are 3 years old. Quit being such a freeloader. Your dad sells lumber, so he has enough to worry about without making money for your sorry ass.

Ben: This is my favorite of your rants this season to date. It also comes close to asking the relevant question of what a generation of children raised by the contestants on reality shows will perceive in regards to “real” jobs.

We don’t shy away from the heavy stuff here.

Jordan: It must be mentioned that during all of this tension Rachel reveals quite shockingly what appears to be a rockin’ bod.

Ben: Never mind my previous attempt to elevate us.

Jordan: Like, it's eye opening and head scratching. Michael was onto something that none of us saw. None of us in the world. I feel quite comfortable saying that not one person in the entire solar system could have seen this coming. Michael, kudos to you. It’s sad you had to die. By the way, I assume all of the people voted off are swiftly killed and ground into roses for next season. It’s what gives those roses such power.

Ben: I know you’re joking, but the fact that you used last season’s winner to fuel said joke and thus reminded me of the existence of Erica Rose, another season two vet, really kills its internal continuity out of the gate.

Jordan: Chris votes off Blakeley, Tony, and Tony’s son. Blakeley freaks out and cries as if her world is crashing down. I suspect that this show was all she had in the world.

On a rare serious note, it is quite sad to see people like David (Bing Crosby) and Blakeley so broken up when they leave because their actual lives are such garbage. I hope their lives improve. I really do. (Sees Blakeley kiss Tony and say she is happy to continue a relationship with him off of the show) Well, there goes that whole ‘life improving’ thing.

Ben: That limo ride was super awkward to watch as Tony sunk his hand into Blakeley’s leg like she was the prize gazelle he took home from a hunting trip where he hit nothing and Chris wounded dozens of defenseless animals to be snatched up by lesser men. There was totally a moment of realization that you could see in Blakeley’s eyes that the cameras would shut off soon and she would still be in a car with this dweeb.

Jordan: Chris Harrison shows up in a spectacular blue blazer, made out of the souls of a hundred kittens, and says it's time for the next competition. They have to all get into a car to get there. In my mind’s eye, at each step…from getting to the door, to leaving, to seeing the car, to getting into the car, to traveling…Ed stops and says dramatically, “What IS this?!”

Second Competition: Awful, Awful Singing

Jordan: Chris Harrison brings the contestants to see Night Ranger…and Ed solidifies himself as my choice to win by calling it “a dream come true.” Chris acts bored and the others stare blankly, but Ed is grinning ear to ear and seems ready to jump onstage and crowd surf. Chris Harrison tells the contestants they will all be singing “Sister Christian” and Night Ranger will be judging. I feel like if this competition doesn’t make Ben a lifelong Bachelor Pad fan, nothing will.

Ben: It was a roller coaster ride of being super excited to see Night Ranger on Bachelor Pad, feeling sad that Night Ranger was on Bachelor Pad, remembering that Night Ranger really only had one hit and haven’t been relevant since 1984 aside from on my Monster Ballads comp and thus hitting a nice plateau of contentment.

Jaclyn pretending to have any idea who the fuck Night Ranger is was an affront to all that is good.

Jordan: Chris Harrison has a comical aside where he tells Night Ranger the contestants will be terrible. I wish we saw more of these Chris Harrison moments, because between this and how evil he acts on the “After the final rose ceremonies,” you KNOW he hates each and every one of the people on this show.

Ben: Oh Jordan, it doesn’t end there, Chris Harrison hates all of humanity; he is all our negative energy given form and tasked with bringing forth Armageddon through reality TV.

Jordan: The contestants all work with voice coaches and it is obvious immediately this is going to be a train wreck. Ed and Jaclyn appear to be especially awful, which is saying something. Chris and Sarah sound like Coldplay to me, which is to say they sound whiny, off-tune, and like horseshit. They aren’t showing Nick practicing at all, which leads me to believe he is actually good and they are saving it. Rachel sounds like Tom Waits, who I guess is a singer, so they are my picks.

Ben: Megan had a similar “They’re not showing Nick, he’s going to be amazing” theory going.

When they introduced all the coaches as being from Glee, I shook my fist at the air at that show’s ability to continue ruining hair metal songs for me long after I vowed never to watch it again.

Jordan: Before the competition, the show does a funny montage of animals fleeing while everyone sings the “Sister Christian” song. At this exact moment my wife Chloe stands up and leaves the room without a sound. I am amazed the singing actually made her leave. She later informs me she left because had to use the restroom. This makes more sense, as the sound of Ed singing makes me have to pee too.

Ben: I chuckled when you called it “the Sister Christian song” like a confused old man.

Also, Chloe just got up without informing you why she was interrupting the show? The nerve!

Jordan: It’s competition time! At this point I am rooting for anyone but Chris. Last season a jackass won in that bearded guy whose name I forget, so I want someone I like to win this time around. Here we go!

Ben: Who do you still like?! Oh wait, I’m writing this thing three days after you sent me this e-mail, you can’t respond. Also, I know the answer is Ed, I’m just having fun while hoping Kalon somehow gets thrown in last minute singing “Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

Jordan: First up are Nick and Rachel. Rachel starts out the song and sounds like a balloon that is slowly having air wheeze out of it, squeaking wildly…but she's on key at least. Nick actually sounds quite good and struts about the stage like a rock star. I greatly enjoy their performance, especially since they don’t show much of Rachel’s singing. I’m guessing in that shrieking mass of fans, Michael is watching in disguise and is quietly rooting on his girl while wearing a blonde wig and lipstick.

Ben: I thought Rachel was going to be way better than she was. She did LOOK like a rock star from the 80’s though, more so than any of the others, for whatever that’s worth (nothing). I can’t even remember Nick’s voice, but he definitely ran around with the manic energy only a guy who didn’t realize he was on the show until six weeks in and now stands to win a quarter of a million dollars can.

Jordan: Ed and Jaclyn are next and in zero seconds flat forget the lyrics. Jaclyn then starts stripping and grinding like a showgirl, which marks the 500th time I wonder what her parents are thinking while watching this.

Ben: “That’s our girl!”

Jordan: Seeing Ed and Jaclyn sing is extremely stressful to watch. How the hell can Ed claim to be a fan of this song? Ed ends the song by dry humping Jaclyn then moaning loudly…perhaps for the first time this happens not in a good way with actual consequences. I never thought his go-to hump then comical moan move would ever fail to work out, assuming it always worked in situations like job interviews and best man speeches at weddings.

Ben: I was fucking LIVID that Ed claimed to be a fan and didn’t know the words. There are only a few things in this world I take seriously, and hair metal is one of them. Another is Ultimate Frisbee, if you were wondering. Between that and Jaclyn pathetically asking if they could start over then scoffing when the music didn’t stop had me booing out loud for these two to get the heave ho.

And yes, “Sister Christian” is a song one of the guys in Night Ranger wrote about his little sister growing up too fast, so I’m sure he was thrilled by this performance.

Jordan: Chris and Sarah go next and appear off tune, and forget only HALF of the lyrics, which is somehow a success. Sarah tries to rev up the crowd and just comes across as annoying while Chris calmly sings in a high-pitched voice. They strip down…copying Jaclyn’s only trademark move…and run around like little kids at Chucky Cheese. As horrific as this all is, they at least played to the audience instead of making love on stage, which gives them a leg up on Ed and Jaclyn.

Ben: Sarah never seemed less cool and together than she did here leaping around the stage like a rabid go go dancer in her hideous green spandex pants, and this is a girl whose jaw drops when Chris Harrison announces that there are sandwiches available on the patio. Chris’ nervousness and little soprano voice while trying to maintain his douchey cool guy grin was fantastic, as was the fact that the Night Ranger guys caught him reading lyrics off his hand.

Ed and Chris have both earned my wrath with their disrespect of the greatest music of all-time. Welcome to the top of my list, Nick!

Jordan: The judges give praise to Nick and Rachel. They slam Ed and Jaclyn. Lastly, they meet somewhere in the middle on Chris and Sarah, saying they were entertaining yet acted like complete idiots. Yes, folks, I can now safely realize one of my dreams and use the following sentence: “I agree on all accounts with what Night Ranger said.”

Ben: You actually have very copacetic fiscal policies as well.

Jordan: Rachel and Nick win, unsurprisingly, and now comes the hard part: Acting sad and fake crying while voting someone off.

A meteor falls from the sky, lands on a patch of dirt, and from the smoldering pile a Decepticon dramatically stands and transforms into shape of Chris Harrison. He tells the group that Nick and Rachel need to chuck out a couple. Everyone that was voted off hates Chris and Sarah, which would help Nick and Rachel win. They are the obvious choice. Nick sells Rachel with this conversation:

NICK: “What are you here for, friendships or money?”
RACHEL: (sobs hysterically)
NICK: “The money? Me too.”

Nick, you are the best. This is your finest hour. And yes, this is the only hour in the entire season you have actually been on this show.

Ben: Seriously though, Nick rocks for just being honest and saying exactly what every contestant on every reality show is thinking, rather than trying to put on a display of faux hysterics like Jaclyn or smarmily gaming like Chris. Good on you Background Guy #2.

Rose Ceremony Madness!

Jordan: The tense music swells and everyone at home is holding their breath for what is the most important moment in the entire game…factors that combine to cause Chris to cock his head and look bored. Ugh, I can’t believe this guy is going to the final two.

Ben: Really? Because you just described the consummate reality show competitor.

Jordan: Nick delivers the death blow to Ed and Jaclyn…meaning Chris and Sarah stay. Jaclyn gives the audience one final brutal bitter beer face. She crumbles even worse than Blakeley, tears and snot spewing from her face like a log flume. Jaclyn, the consummate good sport, then shoves Rachel away from her when Rachel tries to give her a hug. Next, Jaclyn continues to bash her in the limo ride home. Sigh. The limo ride is where final impressions are made, Jaclyn. You would have been wise to takes notes from Kalon. Then again, running into Ed’s limo would have only resulted in getting pregnant with Ed’s baby…and the only thing worse than sad bitter beer face is pregnant sad bitter beer face.

Ben: Also, Ed shot away from her and into his own limo faster than it took me to forget there were twins on this show.

Ned Morse, your final thoughts on Jaclyn?

“Good riddance. What an embarrassment.” –Ned Morse, Caregiver

Jordan: I just saw the preview for the finale. Holy. Shit. I can’t wait. Till next time!

Ben & Jordan Watch Bachelor Pad: Episode 6

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watched and blogged about Games of Thrones this past season to the thrill of perhaps a dozen.

For years Jordan has been trying to sell Ben, who has never watched an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, to watch Bachelor Pad. Despite their youthful enjoyment of reality romance classics like Temptation Island and Paradise Hotel, Ben was skeptical, but decided to go for it.

Bear wit to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Mark L. Wahlberg as they try and bring some much needed dignity to these people’s search for love/money/fame/a place to crash for a few weeks.

Bachelor Pad Episode 6: “Nick’s Face is Melting”

Jordan: Greetings kids. 6 weeks in and the two hours a week length of this show is starting to wear me down. But it’s a marathon, not a sprint. I do not even know what I meant to really say here when I used this cliché.

Ben: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Interestingly, as you have been worn down, I have become more comfortable with the amount of time I’m devoting a week to these monsters, possibly because since the Olympics ended I’ve been able to watch the episodes via DVR rather than OnDemand, thus granting me the ability to fast forward and lose a solid 40 minutes of commercials for Timothy Green. That or your power has become my own!

Jordan: Episode opens with Rachel hacking up cigarette butts into her hands as she cries over Michael going home. Emotions are running high. UNLEASH THE CHRIS HARRISON! C.H. slaps everyone across the face with his dong, saying, “You will be playing as couples…including being voted off as couples.” Then a hole opens and swallows Chris Harrison, returning him back to his underworld of flames.

Ben: Wow, way to swipe my material.

I thought this swerve was lame. A week after the awesome game of Stratego that was Chris getting Michael booted, they cut down on the intrigue big time. They should have to play as couples but still be able to be voted out as singles through to the end.

Jordan: Nick and Rachel are partnered up by default, even making the other lowlifes make fun of them. Everyone scrambles to come up with a plan with this new game twist, leading to many, many violins strumming tense staccato notes. This is the only way producers can combat Chris’ constant “I am so bored by all of this” look.

Ben: Ah the final episodes of a reality show, where the realization that your entire alliance can’t win sets in as the booze dries out.

Competition: Spelling Beie

Jordan: Everyone gets on a school bus (cue short bus joke)…

Ben: Short bus joke.

Jordan: …and upon arriving Chris Harrison informs them they are competing in a spelling bee. Tony says aloud that spelling is the one thing he sucks at…which one or more wax museum attendees may disagree with. Nick sits uncomfortably in his flannel shirt and sunburn, head looking as unnaturally shiny has ever.

Ben: I was sure this was Kalon’s time to shine, as you would figure something like spelling was a skill he had tutored to him by Tibetan monks whilst dangling headfirst over a bed of nails as his master criminal parents watched on, but then I realized that being named “Kalon” was probably the result of nobody in his family knowing the proper spelling for “Colin.”

Jordan: Ed and Jaclyn spell “love”, which reminds me of Ed’s misdeeds with his teammate last week. Kalon spells “heart,” which now leads me to believe the producers have made this all one intentional joke. Blakeley spelling the one thing she will never possess, “engagement ring,” confirms this.

Ben: For more on this topic, tune into this blog next time for exclusive news…IT’S A TEASER, GANG!

Jordan: After a lot of spelling and mistakes, it comes down to Ed and Jaclyn and Chris and Sarah. After Ed and Jaclyn mess up the word “Flabbergasted”, I come to the conclusion that this is easily the least interesting competition I have ever seen on Bachelor Pad. It lacks any sort of opportunity for meanness. Chris and Sarah mess up “Entrepreneur”, which then made me laugh as the camera cuts to Kalon’s smug disapproval. That and “lobotomy” are the two largest words in Kalon’s vocabulary.

Ben: This is the perfect irony-laced time to note that Jordan is finally spelling Sarah’s name correctly after over a month and a half, saving me a solid five minutes of making corrections.

Jordan: I love the fact that Ed thought “cockamamie” was “cockamay” and proudly ended his spelling with “Y- Cockamay.” With the competition dragging on, the cameramen give the signal that they are running out of available tapes to film with and they mercifully give Chris and Sarah the lowball “Serendipity” word. This still proves to be a challenge for Chris, whose strategy is pausing for 10 minutes between letters and then forgetting where he is. Regardless, Chris and Sarah win. Cameras then all simultaneously point at Blakeley crying. Approximately 9/10 of the footage on Bachelor Pad is Blakeley crying or staring at someone with the intention of ripping out their innards.

Ben: Bachelor Pad was never more obviously scripted/edited than this segment. It was clear Chris and Sarah needed to win since there would be no drama if they took off and the final six all liked each other, so they got all the easiest words and you could practically see the times where Chris Harrison yelled “cut” and ran over to hand Chris not Harrison a cue card with the proper spelling of “Hi.” This was the natural outgrowth of the “eliminated girl picks the eliminated guy” swerve they used to save Chris and Sarah last week.

At least my dad can’t take the hit for Jaclyn losing this one, that’s on the Newton public school system.

Winners Date

Jordan: Chris and Sarah go on a date. They laugh, they swim, I bang my head against a wall. I want to write anything interesting about this date and I just can’t. They bore the living hell out of me.

Ben: I’m right there with you, tall friend. This date felt like it last for beyond the full two hour length of the show. Sarah’s wide-eyed proclamations of how amazing everything around them was as they were shuttled by a train to a barn where they got to sleep (with real hay!) reminded me of every dating show parody ever, most notably Burning Love.

Jordan: Back at the house, Rachel breaks down and looks to Jaclyn for compassion. Smart move, idiot.

Ben: DAMN! Kalon just texted me to tell you that was cold.

Kidding! I’d change my number if Kalon had it…

Jordan: Jaclyn then goes to Tony and Blakeley and says Rachel should go home because she misses Michael so much. Rachel then parades around the house in black, her voice sounding more like nails on a chalkboard than ever, her face thrice as haggard as George Harrison (and he is dead). Nick pleads with her to stay in the game because he needs more time in the sun to fry his face like an ant under a magnifying glass.

Ben: Did Jaclyn, Blakeley and Rachel have their girl power “we should all be here until the end” pow wow in the midst of this? I honestly can’t remember. The Chris/Sarah date drove me to fill out insurance forms or something.

Jordan: Back on the shitty date, Chris and Sarah talk about their relationship and the revelation comes out that Chris has not had a serious relationship since he was a sophomore in high school. This is no small thing. It either means he 1) hates humanity, 2) is gay, 3) just wants to sleep with women with no emotional connection, 4) is gay. There must be some reason he kept refusing to sleep with Jamie and Blakeley and then would always “accidentally” pull his pants down and fall on a broom handle.

Ben: Jordan Geary’s opinions are his own and do not represent those of anybody involved with this blog or anybody we know or may have ever met in passing.

Jordan: Back at the house, Jaclyn tells Rachel and Blakeley she will try to vote out Kalon and Lindzi. They certainly are the most “annoyingly named” pair. I am really, really tired of correcting my spelling whenever I write Lindzi’s name.

Ben: I was tired three weeks ago of correcting your spelling, but I’m still here. Hi-yooooo!

And this was the aforementioned pow wow.

Runner Up Date

Jordan: Next, Ed and Jaclyn get to go on a date because they lost the competition. Yes, you read that right. This show makes its own rules.

Ben: They really thought that “competing as couples” thing through long and hard.

Jordan: Ed and Jaclyn fly in a plane. Jaclyn reveals she is afraid of flying, but says she is comforted by the fact Ed is with her. She fails to realize that in the event of a crash Ed would use her body to soften his fall, then use her corpse as a flotation device back to shore.

Ben: The whole time they’re flying, all I’m thinking is “That plane is way too small to have a bathroom. What if one of them needs to pee?”

What is wrong with me.

Jordan: When they land and sit to talk, Ed looks into her ugly mug with sober eyes and tells her he doesn’t want to fall in love, has feelings for someone home, and generally wants to be anywhere else in the world than where she is. Jaclyn makes her bitter beer face and is crushed she can’t spend the rest of her days with the guy who communicates with oven mitts.

Ben: “Ed is a class act. He’s the most real, genuine nice guy of anybody on the show. He would never sleep with a bunch of girls despite having a relationship back home. Or cheat on his fiancée.” – Jordan Geary up to this week (approximate translation)

Jordan: Tony and Blakeley walk and he takes her on a little impromptu date. She kisses him and he promptly sweats buckets his face gets purple with excitement. I would think he had never slept with a woman before except I believe he said he had a son. Maybe he found the child on the side of the road, or in a basket at the base of a river (like the opening sequence in Willow)?

Ben: If we were doing a Bachelor Pad drinking game, “Drink every time Tony mentions he is doing this for his son” would be the first rule I would make.

Jordan: Ed and Jaclyn continue their date. Jaclyn continues to mope about Ed not being in love with her, not quite understanding that there were no feelings behind his drunk yodeling while giving her his pickle and then forgetting her name. Yes, this is how Cinderella and Prince Charming got together, but that’s a FAIRY TALE. This is REAL LIFE.

Ben: That’s right, people, for Jordan Geary, Bachelor Pad is his basis for reality. He ends every day by giving his wife a rose and telling her she can remain in their home.

Jordan: Jaclyn snaps and says to Ed “I don’t want to look like a whore.” He snaps back “I don’t want to look like a shithead.” To win her back, Ed embarks on THE BEST SPEECH EVER. He says he wants to sleep together to “build teamwork” and that the chemistry is “very comforting.” He goes on to say “By us sleeping in the same bed, yes we are a couple,” which is enough to have Jaclyn smile and kiss him. They then walk to again have sex as Jaclyn says “We’ve bonded in more ways than one…it is what it is.” Somewhere Jaclyn’s family is watching this and wondering who the hell could have coached this sort of behavior in their little angel.

Ben: How dare you. If Ned Morse couldn’t coach this girl to block a penalty kick, he wasn’t about to try and teach her to respect herself as a woman (that’s part of the advanced Ned Morse Coaching package, not the beginners set).

Jordan: Ed and Jaclyn come back from doing it and reveal they have to give out roses. This has people groveling at their feet with a silly Godfather-esque soundtrack behind them. Long story short, they give the roses to Blakeley and Tony. This means in the shooting range Nick and Rachel are everyone’s bullseye. By this I mean Nick is as red as a bullseye. Seriously, his nose is about to fall off on my television as I write this.

Ben: Remember the good old days when we thought Nick was a sound tech who kept wandering into the shot?

Jordan: Kalon and Lindzi try to campaign to Blakeley and Tony stay, knowing they are the other couple in jeopardy of going home. Nick then swoops in to talk to them, leading a sleigh of eight reindeer behind him as he does so. Nick decides to then come to life and actually speak at the WORST MOMENT POSSIBLE, self destructing and yelling at Blakeley and Tony to keep them. In the shadows, Kalon laughs maniacally and watches Wealth TV on a hidden portable television.

Ben: And thus Nick became the insane wildcard I was hoping Rachel would become after losing Michael, making him perhaps my favorite contestant remaining.

Jordan: Rachel weeps about missing Michael, and between that and Nick sticking his foot in his mouth, I suddenly find it very hard to root for these two. Plus, someone needs to take down the Chris-Sarah juggernaut, and I think Kalon and Lindzi represent the best shot.

Ben: I had the exact opposite response! If this train wreck team can somehow pull it off, it truly spits in the face of everybody on this show who actually put any effort toward winning by conventional means, and that puts a huge smile on my face. If Kalon can’t win it by scheming, I’m cool with Nick and Rachel trying to win by being a living blooper reel.

Oh, also, my dad spoiled a moment here like three days before I saw the episode by saying “Michael is back in some fashion” and then it’s just his voice saying “Hello?” when Rachel call him. Well played, father…

Rose Ceremony

Jordan: Quick ceremony (no one is left), aaaaaandddddd…..

RACHEL AND NICK ARE STAYING! The ghost of Michael looks down upon them like Obi Wan Kenobi, smiles, and then looks out at the clouds as a single tear rolls down his cheek.

Ben: Oh man, I don’t even really like Star Wars—guess how well that goes over working in the comic book industry—and your analogy just made me laugh out loud. Good show!

Jordan: Kalon and Lindzi leave. As their limos leave, Kalon stops his limo, runs, and gets into Lindzi’s limo with her. This makes every woman simultaneously forget he is a cold-blooded killer and squeal, “Awwwwww.” He thusly sets up a brilliant spider web for any unsuspecting female to walk into for the rest of his life. Jack the Ripper stands up and does a slow clap.

Ben: Whether you have an alternative lifestyle or are merely a woman, Jordan Geary is here to offend you.

Special report from our Senior Fact-Checker Megan Morse, who immediately jumped on Google Gossip (no such site, just made it up) after this episode: Kalon and Lindzi are still together! They have been regularly sighted and photographed together around Texas and L.A. TRUE LOVE WINS OUT…or she’ll go missing within a few weeks.

Jordan: The show ends with Ed and Sarah imitating Tony and Blakeley. If Ed doesn’t get his own show after this, I will be sad and disappointed. My “Ed as the next Bachelor” campaign begins NOW!!!

And ends now, as I am too lazy to do anything.

Goodnight!

Ben & Jordan Watch Bachelor Pad: Episode 5

The bonds of brotherhood between Ben Morse and Jordan Geary were forged during their time as students at Connecticut College, where they spent four years losing at intramural sports (except softball in 2004!), forming their own fraternity because the school wouldn’t let them, making student films one professor called “unfortunate” and regularly beating their friend Dan Hartnett in Goldeneye.

Today, they live 20 minutes apart in New Jersey with their respective lovely wives, sharing passions for miniature golf, diner cuisine and the music of Motley Crue. They also both watched and blogged about Games of Thrones this past season to the thrill of perhaps a dozen.

For years Jordan has been trying to sell Ben, who has never watched an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, to watch Bachelor Pad. Despite their youthful enjoyment of reality romance classics like Temptation Island and Paradise Hotel, Ben was skeptical, but decided to go for it.

Bear wit to their wit, wisdom and frequent allusions to Mark L. Wahlberg as they try and bring some much needed dignity to these people’s search for love/money/fame/a place to crash for a few weeks.

Bachelor Pad Episode 5: “Jordan Has Stopped Titling Episodes”

Jordan: The episode opens with the group returning to the house after last week’s rose ceremony. Blakeley and her super shiny lips have their eyes set on Chris, and by “eyes” I mean “donkey punching in the throat fists.” Michael stokes the flames by pointing out to Blakeley that Chris really hates her. Nice! When not acting forlorn, I have to agree with Ben that Michael is awesome.

Ben: I’m kind of glad I didn’t watch Bachelor Pad last season so that all I know of emo Michael is your ranting and of course this.

Jordan: Lovable psycho Kalon gets confronted by unlovable jackass Chris, and suavely lies his way out of it. Conversely Ed, who has a conscience, is confronted by Chris and stutters and stammers an excuse out with the weight of his decision on his mind. To be fair, this stammering may have been from 20 off-screen Tequila Sunrises. Ed and Chris start yelling at each other, while comically the other guy who isn’t Nick (Tony?) just sits in the middle in a sad attempt at 5 seconds of screen time. Ed stalks off, saying, “This game is stupid,” a blasphemy I will only allow to my favorite character on the show.

Ben: I’m not sure Kalon so much lied his way out of anything as much as bluntly told Chris he was a loose cannon—actually using the phrase “loose cannon,” which sent his credibility with me through the roof—and of course he didn’t trust him. Chris only seemed sated by the combination of alcohol/fatigue (I can never tell with him if he’s drunk or just really tired) and impending sex with Sara.

Ed does not have a conscience. This is a man who won an internationally televised dating show and then cheated on his fiancée as publicly as possible. He just has no ability to think on his feet, so his answer to confrontation is to stutter, stammer and try to apologize. I find him entertaining too, but not nearly as endearing as you do.

Jordan: At this point I have to point out that Kalon’s bio says he is a “Luxury Brand Consultant.” I think this means he only kills people in Audis.

Ben: I’ve got nothing that can top this. Nicely done.

Competition: People Carrying Plates and Cups (Has it really come to this?)

Jordan: Blakely is born for this competition, having “worked at Hooters for 13 years.” My how she has grown, now being a prestigious “VIP cocktail waitress.” The women start and Blakeley is off to a huge lead. Chris is shown saying to the camera he is pissed she is winning. Then a second later in another clip he reiterates it. The difference between the clips? IN ONE CLIP CHRIS HAS A FULL BLACK BEARD AND IN THE NEXT HE IS COMPLETELY CLEAN SHAVEN. Yes, we all know this show is heavily edited, but this was a 5 second gap between clips that made it completely hilarious to me.

Ben: Chris Harrison obviously edited this segment with all the care and professionalism he puts into hosting the show.

Jordan: The girls are dropping cups left and right. Everyone in the cast simultaneously yells that Sara messed up and cheated and as she crosses the finish line Chris Harrison happily yells “And Sara wins the race!” This truly highlighted the obvious fact that Chris Harrison is watching Breaking Bad on a portable television while filming for this show is happening. Upon further shocking review, it is shown Sara cheated and Blakeley winds up winning. Cue clip of Chris mumbling with half closed eyes that he is upset while he sports an entire beard of bees.

Ben: I don’t think Sara really cheated, she just grabbed her plates and saucers to steady them out of habit and didn’t notice, much like Chris Harrison who was as always preoccupied with finding ways to bring Armageddon to Earth so that he can take his place in the army of darkness. To say she cheated is to imply she went into this competition with any sort of plan or forethought whatsoever.

This event really hammered home for me how much of a Stepford Wife Lindzi seems to be, as her smile never even cracked as she dropped and picked up her stuff dozens of times. Also, I don’t think she blinks. She’s perfect for Kalon!

Jordan: Time for the guys to go. Graceful Michael, the dancer, again is the heavy favorite. Somewhere as I write this David (Bing Crosby) carries cups and plates across his room and sobs that he misses Bachelor Pad.

Ben: Man, I totally forgot he got eliminated until you just mentioned it. Hey, do you think the guys at his MMA gym will kick the crap out of him more for being on Bachelor Pad or getting eliminated? Or do you think most MMA guys would be reluctant to admit they watch Bachelor Pad? Also, what are the odds Chris from week one has been fired from his SWAT squad or injured while trying to take a phone photo of himself with a terrorist?

Jordan: The guys drop their cups and plates left and right and somehow TONY WINS! TONY, TONY, TONY! Wait, this just reminded me…is fellow never-seen loser Nick still on this show? I have no idea. This question genuinely leads to a confusing conversation between me and my wife about whether we missed an episode, only to have us come to the conclusion Nick is still on the show somewhere in the background. NICK YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE! A POX ON YOUR SUNBURNED BICEPS!

Ben: In your existential Nick crisis, you neglected to mention that Tony won because Blakeley was walking alongside him the entire time “coaching” him, which irked Sara and Chris to no end. I’m pretty sure Tony won not thanks to Blakeley, but out of the terror of knowing she would donkey punch his screen time if he even flinched a centimeter the wrong way.

Jordan: Chris and company stare at Blakeley’s giant teeth grinning after the competition, and she agrees to take her teammate Tony on the date (second week in a row this happens!) Blakeley gives her extra rose to Kalon, which is great because both dates are officially centering around a pair of unhinged freaks.

Ben: Who is Nick’s partner? Does he even participate in competitions? Can anybody besides you and me see him? I’m scared…

Guy’s Date

Jordan: The producers LOVE watching Blakeley go crazy as much as I do, so they obviously do what we would all do and give the good date to Kalon for the simple pleasure of seeing Blakeley’s reaction. As they give Kalon and his date Lindzi diamonds and a sports car, the cameras crash zoom on emotional Blakely looking on with wide eyes and fake cackle. It’s a terrifying and glorious sight.

Ben: Almost—but nowhere really—near Blakeley’s madness is Lindzi’s deer-in-the-headlights blank stare as she puts on her lovely diamond earrings. I’ve seen enough Melrose Place to assume that at some point over these five weeks Kalon introduced her to the wonders of electroshock therapy like Kimberly tried to do to Peter in that story arc with the insane asylum run by Elvis Presley’s widow from Naked Gun.

Jordan: Kalon and beautiful (but still with too much makeup) Lindzi have a date on a closed down bridge. Upon further inspection, Lindzi is the perfect combo of looks, fame, and trophy wife potential for Kalon to wind up with and, one day, cheat on.

Ben: I’ve really starting to question Lindzi’s humanity/sanity, as no rational person who would run away in terror at the prospect of being anywhere near a bridge with Kalon, crew and viewing audience as witnesses or no.

Jordan: Kalon says all the right words to both the viewing audience and Lindzi, endearing him to all he hopes to eventually slay and wear their skin as a vest. Even with this, he is head and shoulders on the likeability scale over Chris. Kalon will undoubtedly ruin the lives of those around him, but at least he doesn’t mumble, sulk, and have the overly macho swagger of flannel shirt douche.

Ben: Kalon could spend an hour talking about how Kim Jong Il was an underrated filmmaker and still be more likable than Chris right now.

(You’ll never know how close I was to a probably ill-advised Hitler joke right there, but I stopped myself; you’re welcome, Internet)

Also, did I imagine it, or did Kalon start to full-on mount Lindzi on their dinner table while the cameras were still on?

Nope, didn't imagine it.

Jordan: As we come back from commercial, over the montage of people waking up we see a split second of Jaclyn and Ed waking up in what looks like an emptied out pool. The show HAS to minimize the screen time of these two if there is any way of making Tony interesting during his date.

Ben: I would hire Michael Bay to direct Tony’s date. Nothing to lose at this point.

Girl’s Date

Ben: Wait, why is Tony going to get the card? Wasn’t this Blakeley’s date? Where is the internal logic and continuity we love you for, Bachelor Pad?!

Jordan: Tony’s date involves seeing stars and keys to something. A cabin? A Camaro? A box of crayons? Whatever it is is GOING TO BE SHITTY just to see Blakeley’s expression. Ah HA! Cue the reveal that they’re keys to a crappy Jeep. The houseguests pile on by trashing Blakeley and Tony off-screen, calling her trashy and him a boring lumber salesman. This all is true. Regardless, the rest of the date takes place at a broken Winnebago in the desert and the slow process of the producers driving sanity-on-a-thread Blakeley crazy continues.

Ben: Tony is a lumber salesman? That’s truly destiny’s cruel joke, putting him so close to the awesome profession of lumberjack and then dumping him into a mundane sales position.

Nick is a lumberjack. On Tuesdays.

Jordan: Back at the house, Chris tries to snuggle up to Ed and get him to vote out Kalon. The show tries to hide the fact Ed is slurring his speech through the whole conversation. I predict this doesn’t go well for Chris as anything involving Ed during his “drink n’ yodel time” is quickly forgotten by Ed as if it never happened.

Ben: Kudos to Chris for going after Kalon though, and by recognizing since he can’t vote him out, he can be a douche and eliminate Lindzi instead. Chris really goes the extra mile on being a petty jerk, determined to do as much damage on his way out as he can, and on this show, that earns him my respect.

Jordan: The Blakeley-Tony date continues and is so hysterically awkward. Tony flirts with her with a beet-red face and about a pound of sweat dripping over his eyes. The silence between them is deafening, and you can see Blakeley regretting her expert “YouGotIt YouGotIt YouGotIt YouGotIt YouGotIt” coaching back when Tony was carrying those plates.

Ben: I fell asleep during this segment (not really, I was probably just playing Words with Friends), but did Tony bring up his son again? It was pretty funny when he brought him up back on the Rachel date and how he had to “win this for him.” Actually, it’s generally pretty funny whenever any of these gainfully-employed, well-groomed, fashionably-dressed people go on about how they “need” this money.

Jordan: Back at the house, Michael and Rachel kiss and go on a quiet date of their own. Michael has finally found true love. They will be together forever. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could mess this up. Michael, feel free to put all of your hopes on you and Rachel being together forever. Everything will be fine.

Ben: You’re a horrible man.

Jordan: On the Tony-Blakeley date, a huge shocker happens with loser Tony and Blakeley kissing and going into the trailer to presumably bump uglies. They may have not actually had sex but BOY did the show want us to think that. In retrospect I should have seen the two most emotionally needy people in the house (now that Jamie is gone) getting together. Pathetic was never so adorable.

Ben: In my mind, the minute the door to that trailer closed, Blakeley donkey punched Tony in the jugular, bitched him out for daring to think anybody who had been on screen as little as him could lay a hand on her, then went to sleep in the bed while he wept on the ceramic floor.

Jordan: Tony and Blakeley come back to the house and kiss and tell. The guests look on, which leads to a Sun burnt Nick sighting! Aw, Nick, I could never stay angry at you.

(Yes, that's the same picture of Nick I used last week...I could not find another one ANYWHERE ON THE INTERNET -Ben)

Chris says to Tony he wants the guys to vote out Lindzi to get back at Kalon. Blakeley says to Tony OH HELLLL NO and Tony nods in agreement quickly because he is not ready to lose the one person in the world who knows he exists (thus making him disappear). Ultimately, they give the rose to Jaclyn. I honestly have no idea what this accomplishes other than to anger Ben’s dad.

Ben: On the contrary, my dad informed me this week that Jaclyn is his pick to win it all. He may not have been able to teach her how to play goalie, but he provided all the guidance she needed to win a reality show based around lying, backstabbing and emotional manipulation.

Jordan: Chris Harrison clinks on a glass with a spoon, calling for attention. No sooner does he do this than Ed speaks up and says he does not see any romance with Jaclyn, bringing her to tears.

Ben: And the Jordan Geary Award for Nice Guy with a Conscience goes to…

Jordan: Obviously Chris Harrison can ruin lives by the simple act of clinking on a glass with a spoon. Then, as if this wasn’t enough proof he was Satan, Chris Harrison says EVERYONE will vote for ONE GIRL and the VOTED OUT GIRL will CHOOSE WHICH GUY GOES HOME WITH HER!!! IT’S CHAOS! I LOVE CAPS LOCK!

This. Changes. Everything. Actually, it doesn’t, but I just wanted to type that.

Ben: But it seriously did. Chris and Sara were dead locks to go home, but this forced everybody else to scramble because they couldn’t eliminate Sara without losing one of their own. It was a pretty great twist, actually.

And I don’t begrudge you wanting to type that. It’s a dream of us all.

Jordan: Michael concocts a surprisingly evil plan to vote out Erica Rose so she thinks Chris did it (and thus she takes him home with her). Even at his most evil, Michael shrugs and says, “This is devilish,” coming across as a nice guy. Wow, I never, ever want to cross this guy. He could massacre me with a chainsaw, shrug and say “That was bad of me” and America’s housewives would swoon.

Ben: It was an…interesting plan, but I will hold off explaining Michael’s fatal flaw once we see if it goes south.

Jordan: Ed tries to explain his way out of the doghouse with Jaclyn…saying the equivalent of “Look I want to BANG you, but I don’t want to LOVE you.” Jaclyn is truly an ugly crier, someone whose whole face scrunches into a bitter beer face. Ed sees this and, being sober for the first half hour of his life, OBVIOUSLY doesn’t want to bang her now.

Ben: Sensitivity at its finest!

“This was devastating. And exactly what she deserved.” – Ned Norse, warrior poet

Jordan: The votes are cast. Michael wears some sweater that looks like a magic eye test. Erica flips out. It’s Bachelor Pad at its finest. I am riveted.

Then…the unthinkable happens. Chris shows Michael’s grand plan is poop by taking Erica in to vote WITH HIM. BRILLIANT! As much as I hate the guy, I do a have to do slow golf clap on that.

Ben: It was an incredible move. Doubly brilliant in that they never explicitly stated that you couldn’t do it, though I wager they may change the rules after this.

Worth noting though is a small but crucial detail. Chris was just musing about doing this, only as a joke, but then somebody egged him on. Who?

Kalon.

Seriously, this guy has influenced EVERY vote, and this week was no exception. The beauty of it is that nobody realizes how much he’s pulling the strings. Chris was starting to catch on, but then he got played this week. It’s amazing.

Rose Ceremony

Jordan: As I stare at Ed’s maroon-colored blazer, the girls one by one get their roses from Chris Harrison. It’s down to Erica Rose and Lindzi. The music swells, aaaaand ERICA ROSE IS GOING HOME!

Ben: There was never any doubt in my mind. Michael set up the perfect plan…almost.

Jordan: She taps her lips, takes her time, and delivers the death blow: MICHAEL THY TIME HAS COME! Ben’s favorite guy is gone, now forcing him to root hardcore for Nick. This is a drastic turn of events. Even Nick's parents were likely rooting for Michael.

Ben: I am seriously at a loss as to who to root for. My head says Kalon, because I’m in awe of his evil genius, but my heart says “Dude! He’s a young Hannibal Lecter!” and my head is like “Shit, yeah.”

I’m honestly angry at Michael for going home because he brought it all on himself. His fatal flaw is that as intricate and well-thought-out as his plans are, he’s a bit of an egomaniac and inevitably makes them all about him, so thus he’s putting himself on the hook each time and not giving himself an escape hatch. If he had played the game better, he would have had the other guys in his alliance spending equal time to him trying to convince Erica that Chris was the one to blame for her ousting, but he got too wrapped up in being the leader and put all the responsibility for conning her on himself, guaranteeing that if the plan failed, she was going to pin the blame on him. In a way it’s admirable, but I don’t think that was his intention, he was just being shortsighted.

Jordan: Erica then trashes Michael on television, exposing him…but then of course pushes it WAY too far in typical crazy Erica Rose fashion by bringing up Holly from last season who broke Michael’s heart. Once in the car ride home, Erica Rose says perhaps my favorite line of the season, “People can think for themselves, they don’t need a tiny little man dictating their every move.” She is a brain dead poet.

Ben: And of course Rachel is devastated. I would love to see her turn the corner from “that girl who is blond and not brunette” to being a crazy wild card with nothing to lose out for vengeance.

More likely she gets paired with Nick next week and they both go home.

Jordan: To make this episode even better, the show concludes with Ed slurring through a conversation with an oven mitt while the house looks on.

Ben: Words can’t do justice to how brilliant this segment was.

Jordan: I don’t know how it is possible, but I already miss this show and it’s not even the end of the season.