Monday, February 6, 2012

What I Want from Battleship

Like a lot of people, I didn't really know what to think when it was announced that the classic board game Battleship was getting somehow made into a big time action movie. So many questions flooded my consciousness...

Would there be white and red pegs? Would they be played by major actors or rendered through the magic of CGI?

What role would the submarine and cruiser play? Would they save the aircraft carrier for the sequel?

How would the movie replicate the electronic talking enhancements? Is that what 3-D is for?

None of these questions have been answered completely (no white or red pegs in the trailer, but maybe those are R-rated elements that are being saved for the feature), but after seeing the initial spot during the Super Bowl last night, I have compiled a list of things I need to see from this movie...

Somebody needs to say "You sunk my battleship"
Again, wasn't in the trailer, but you don't buy the cow if you can get the milk for free. This needs to be the climactic money moment of the plot. Maybe in the early going a disposable human character says it in passing, but if the aliens also have a battleship--and I have to assume they do--then the big bad guy needs to say it as he's watching his dreams of world conquest go up in smoke. To do this full justice, they're really going to have to spring for a huge name voice actor like James Earl Jones or a digitally recreated Orson Welles.

I want to see white and red explosions
Ok, I understand that the FX pegs would be too costly and Chace Crawford doesn't quite have the range, but let's at least see some ivory geysers when a shot misses. And yeah, the fireworks when that battleship gets sunk better be crimson, baby!

Taylor Kitsch needs to run for a touchdown
Peter Berg is directing this sucker (which, by the way, is the reason despite all the jokes I'm making I still have faith this could actually be pretty darn good), so at some point I'm hoping the fate of the planet gets decided on the gridiron and Timmy Riggins gets to go for six. They should actually bring in Scott Porter for just that one scene to make the hand off. In fact, the entire Dillon Panthers starting lineup should be flying a fleet of fighter jets at the alien armada with Coach Taylor on headset calling the strategy. Clear eyes, full hearts, die alien scum!

The Destroyer saves the day
No, not the armor from Thor, I'm talking about the little two peg boat that can coming in for a last minute rescue. And Randy Quaid should be at the helm.

This scene needs to be recreated
Except the men should be aliens and the women are only pretending to wash dishes before delivering a beat down.


TheNewestDragon said...

I think the 2 unit boat is the patrol boat. I think destroyer and sub are both 3 pointers.

Ben Morse said...

Differs depending on what edition you're playing (I totally did research for this post, playa).

Keith said...

I was watching Chronicle, and caught the Battleship trailer. I knew what it was, but no one else did. So I sat and patiently waited for the opportunity to shout" You sunk my Battleship." But alas the trailer gave me no opportunity too. So I settled for just telling my wife. Who snorted and said "Shhhh."